Calamity Jane quotes from Deadwood

Calamity Jane

Everyday takes figuring out all over again how to fucking live.

Calamity Jane

I drink what I'm able. If that comes to much, that's the day's affair and the liquor's.

Calamity Jane

Is it true? Indians killin' white people?

Dan

That's the sewer mouth that follows Hickok around.

Calamity Jane

Why are we standin' here?

Ridin' out tomorrow, daybreak.

Calamity Jane

Oh, really? Tomorrow. What's your fuckin' rush?! I'm goin' now. Even without Bill. Even without Charlie. I know the road to Spearfish. And I don't drink where I'm the only fuckin' one with balls!

Al Swearengen

You don't want to interfere with me.

Calamity Jane

You think I'm scared of you?

Al Swearengen

Sure you are. And if I take a knife to you you'll be scared worse and a long time dying.

Doc Cochran

I take it you've been out on a hoot?

Calamity Jane

I've been drunk awhile; correct. What the fuck is that to you?

Doc Cochran

The question was well meant. Like if you was a farmer, I'd ask ya how the farming was going.

Calamity Jane

I'm calling on the widow and the little one in her care, and if I was you I wouldn't try to stop me.

E.B.

Be brief!

Calamity Jane

Be fucked!

E.B.

Her gutter mouth, and the widow in an opium stupor: a conversation for the ages.

Doc Cochran

Jane, for me the female breast long ago lost mystery or allure. Open your goddamn blouse.

Calamity Jane

I'll keep my fucking eyes shut, but I'll know every fucking move you make.

Al Swearengen

[Receiving a blowjob] Even this, now gives me no pleasure.

Seth Bullock

[From outside] Swearengen! Be down in five minutes with my gun and badge!

Calamity Jane

Start down now, you limey cocksucker! Allow for getting stuck from crawling out from under the bed.

Al Swearengen

That Bullock is a fucking strategist, ain't he? Sets terms to publicly humiliate me, and my penalty if I don't comply is he walks into the bar downstairs and takes fifteen bullets in the chest. And that ain't no hooplehead, you know. Bullock, he's one of those special fucking cases, you don't know what in fucks going on in their mind, and he's big with Montana. Big. I heard that today. Because the news earlier from Yankton and the fucking commissioners wasn't adequately confusing. Not to mention the fucking telegraph coming in and four whores that I don't know who the fuck they work for.

Seth Bullock

[From outside] Three minutes!

Al Swearengen

Shut the fuck up! I suppose I do fucking understand. So fucking confused and disgusted and wanting it to end and looking for the blessing of a quick way out. Sets himself to a higher fucking standard than our natures, and he wants execution 'cause he's failed.

Seth Bullock

One minute!

Charlie Utter

What the fuck happened to two?

Al Swearengen

Talk about one person, fucking up another person's entire fucking day. [Goes outside to the balcony, points at Bullock] Wait.

Johnny Burns

He's coming, he's detained. Getting dressed.

Calamity Jane

Ain't it always a trial picking out the best gown best conceals you fucking pissed yourself.

Al Swearengen

I regret the delay, I was sequestered. Have been, one thing and another, since last we met. I also apologize for the stink.

Calamity Jane

Welcome change from your usual odor of skunk!

Al Swearengen

I offer these, and I hope you'll wear them a good long fucking time in this fucking camp, whose ever fucking thumb we're under. And where it come to me just a few moments ago that the Reverend Smith, may he rest his soul, he was found on the road, apparently murdered by heathens just some months ago. What he said on the subject of you: 'Mr. Bullock raises a camp up' and I hope he'll reside with us and improve our general fucking atmosphere for a good long fucking time, even with all the personal complications and fucking disasters that we all fucking have, and where, running away solves absolutely fucking nothing.

I'll not have vile affections, or uncleaness, on these premises. Find my specific meaning at Romans 1:24-6.

Calamity Jane

[drawing over Shaughnessy's biblical quote placard] Fuck yourself, with a fist-punch up your ass, today at the present moment! [punches Shaughnessy in the gut]