E.B. Farnum quotes from Deadwood

E.B.

What's he ever done for me? Except let him terrify me every goddamned day of his life 'til the idea of bowel regularity is a forlorn fuckin' hope.

E.B. Farnum

Al, if you're not dead and already moldering, I send news to revive you. A fish to rival the fabled Leviathan has swum into our waters. Get well soon and we'll land the cocksucker together. Your friend, E.B.

E.B. Farnum

August commencement to my administration, standing stymied outside a saloon door, next to a degenerate tit licker!

E.B.

It is no disloyalty to be a realist, Richardson. We are mortal. One hopes for the best. One perseveres. One re-evaluates constantly. One is an asshole if one doesn't. Loyalty expanded is not loyalty betrayed. I contemplate no disloyalty to Al Swearengen. I feel exposed. I don't like being weak, and I know that I am. I yearn to rely on a stronger will. I fear what I'm capable of in its absence. Whereas you, Richardson, know nothing of yourself. Are you shitting or going blind? Or on foot or horseback? You vile fucking lump!

E.B.

Miserable, haughty cunt. Putting me beyond my depth.

E.B. Farnum

The bald contempt of it. Why not come out five abreast? Cavorting and taunting, "E.B was left out! E.B was left out!" Cocksuckers! Cunt-lickers! I'll make you filthy gestures. Public service was never my primary career. Two come this way...

Farnum

Puberty may bring you to understand what we take for mother-love is really murderous hatred and a desire for revenge.

Calamity Jane

I'm calling on the widow and the little one in her care, and if I was you I wouldn't try to stop me.

E.B.

Be brief!

Calamity Jane

Be fucked!

E.B.

Her gutter mouth, and the widow in an opium stupor: a conversation for the ages.

Al Swearengen

Woman lives in your fucking hotel, but you can't find pretext for pressing the offer on her claim?

E.B. Farnum

I can't outflank Trixie, Al. The whore guards that widow like a mother hen.

Al Swearengen

She's dosed her with opium, priming her for your approach.

E.B. Farnum

Be that as it may...

Al Swearengen

E.B., put that offer in your pocket, you knock on the widow's door.

E.B. Farnum

But Trixie'll answer.

Al Swearengen

Trixie answers you tell her that I want to talk to her. Trixie leaves, you gain entry, broach the sale. Can you circumnavigate the child or must I map that for you too?

E.B. Farnum

[Mutters under his breath]

Al Swearengen

What?

E.B. Farnum

Nothing.

Al Swearengen

[On hearing a knock at the door] Come on in, Doc, him and me are finished. Anyway, don't play that shit where you make me drag your words outta you. Declare, or shut the fuck up.

Al Swearengen

That widow ain't high.

E.B. Farnum

Maybe waiting till after the service

Al Swearengen

When she'd want to get good and loaded is before the fucking service, against all the fucking carrying on. What do you think?

E.B. Farnum

Makes sense.

Al Swearengen

Meaning all that whore's been telling me the last ten fucking days, about seeing the widow taking the dope, your own fucking assurances, you verify that she's loaded personally, you're both full of shit.

E.B. Farnum

I checked in on the woman daily. If I was fooled, perhaps I've chosen simplemindedness, Al, over realizing a certain friend has used me as an instrument of purposes he concealed.

Al Swearengen

Say what you're gonna say or prepare for eternal fucking silence.

E.B. Farnum

I don't believe you commissioned me to make an offer on the widow's claim to keep the regulators off you, Al. I think someone found something out there you want.

Al Swearengen

Assume you ain't been privy to the ins and outs of that matter for the sake of fucking conversation, huh? I mean, was I asleep, E.B., when you and me declared undying loyalty and full faith mutual disclosure, about every fucking detail of every fucking move we were ever going to make together?

E.B. Farnum

You used me as a pawn, Al.

Al Swearengen

And you fucked up the game is the central fucking present issue. We agreed on 2,000, you want a fucking percentage instead?

E.B. Farnum

Is that such an inconceivable proposition?

E.B.

Anything the mayor should know?

Al Swearengen

The name of another tailor.

Al Swearengen

As damp as your hands are, why do you continuously lick your fuckin' thumb?

E.B.

Habit, I suppose.

Al Swearengen

Could you learn the habit of lickin' a fuckin' stump?

E.B. Farnum

Cavalry in camp, Doc. May I number you in the reception committee?

Doc Cochran

Fuck the cavalry and the committee that receives 'em.

E.B. Farnum

Some ancient Italian maxim fits our situation, whose particulars escape me.

Francis Wolcott

Is the gist that I'm shit outta luck?

Farnum

Did they speak that way then?

Al Swearengen

Request of the widow Garret E.B. that I may be allowed to call upon her.

E.B. Farnum

Today? Shall I tell her time is of the essence?

Al Swearengen

When ain't it?

E.B. Farnum

I'll aim for early afternoon

Al Swearengen

Stop walking with me E.B..

E.B. Farnum

Yes, of course. And if she pries and pokes and prods me to elicit your intentions?

Al Swearengen

Tell her I wouldn't say.

E.B. Farnum

And if she asks me why you wouldn't?

Al Swearengen

Say you're a pain in my balls that can't desist from inquiry till told to shut his fucking mouth and act on the task he was asked to fucking do!