Johnny Burns quotes from Deadwood

Johnny Burns

[Dan comes out to the bar groggy and starts drinking Johnny's coffee] You go on ahead and drink that, it's about my third damn cup. I'm Jangle-nerved already. Let me go on and get shaky-handed, pop my foot on the floor like I'm a-listen' to banjo music!

Johnny

You say it weren't an ass fuck, I believe you.

Men like Mr. Seth Bullock there raise the camp up.

Johnny

Yeah, the fella to be put in that box might argue with you, Reverend.

Ah, Mr. Bullock did not draw first. And I, point to his commissioning me to build the departed a coffin and, and see to his Christian burial.

Al Swearengen

The direction of my thoughts--with the sustained fucking stupidity that you're exhibiting, I hesitate to voice them--is that you might want to train for Phil's former position.

Johnny

Al... I have hoped for this conversation ever since you give me that Indian head to hide.

Johnny

[coming down the stairs] Hey, Al. Any reason I can't share with Dan the, uh, proceedings of the talk me and you just had about me, uh, takin' over for Persimmon Phil?

Al Swearengen

Yeah, keep Dan in the dark.

Dan

Hey, Johnny.

Johnny

Dan.

Dan

What's new?

Al Swearengen

Jesus Christ!

Johnny Burns

Either Al got God or Dolly just stuck her thumb back up his ass.

Al Swearengen

Now, I'm halfway thinking this exaggerates the condition rather than alleviate it. If I might should query the doc, but then that cocksucker will only ask after gleets. Oh my God! Take it out. Take it out! Remove your fucking thumb! Why, if I was moving forward to get away from you, would you have fucking pursued me? When I stopped, pressed on yourself, to drive your thumb into my intestine?

Sorry.

Al Swearengen

Is it a river of blood, or what the fuck's pouring out of it now?

Nothing.

Al Swearengen

Huh. Close the ass-flap. The entire area of my fucking asshole is now one gigantic fucking throb. I have no idea what's transpiring in there.

Johnny Burns

He's coming, he's detained. Getting dressed.

Calamity Jane

Ain't it always a trial picking out the best gown best conceals you fucking pissed yourself.

Al Swearengen

Summon from Farnum that cunt with the long Kraut moniker.

Johnny Burns

E.B. ain't been over for coffee.

Al Swearengen

Should I ask if Farnum's come for coffee before I get you to summon that cunt? [To the disembodied 'Chief'] Dead and without a body, you strill outstrip him for intelligence.

Johnny Burns

What's Al doing?

Dan Dority

Like I fuckin' know.

Silas Adams

If we was trailing water, we might get took for ducklings.

Johnny

If it's gettin' to go wrong, Dan, you just drop flat.

Dan

What the fuck did you just say?

Johnny

Drop flat if it's going wrong, and I'll blow his fucking head off

Dan

You do and it'll be the last goddamn thing you do on this fucking earth. Going wrong is not the end of fucking things, Johnny. Fuck no! I have come back from plenty of shit that looked like it was going wrong.

Johnny

I wish you'd look in on Dan, boss. Not for being poorly as... down.

Al Swearengen

Johnny... some shit's best walked through alone.

Johnny

Dan's killed people before. You have too. But neither've been solitary after

Al Swearengen

A fair fight, something Dan and I have always struggled to avoid, is different. You see the light go out in their eyes. It's just you left, and death.

Johnny Burns

Referring to Jen, who was murdered in place of Trixie] Did she suffer?

Al Swearengen

I was gentle as I was able, and that's the last we'll fuckin' speak of it. [Johnny wanders off] Wants me to tell him somethin' pretty.