Speed quotes from CSI: Miami

Eric

Hey, there's no way you're getting out of processing this hotel room with me.

Why would I try to do that? I love hotel rooms. Body fluids everywhere.

Got some porn here...

Eric

Get out of here. A girl that hot? Guy had to be a Viagra case.

So the suspect is probably over forty.

Sir, can you read the yellow tape there? It says 'Crime Scene.'

Hey, I got a permit to be here.

Ohhhhh, you've got a permit!

Yeah, that's right. From Parks and Rec.

[Getting out cellphone] Well, I'm going to let you tell that to the parents of the girl who got murdered here last night.

Woah, wait a minute--

I'm going to let you tell them that we can't process this crime scene because you have a permit for a party.

You misunderstood me.

Then I'm going to arrest your cheap, tequila-pushing ass, and have you spend the night in lockup, with all the drunk-and-disorderlies, and you can smell the vomit of the fraternity boys.

You know what, man, maybe I should just ah, wait, until you're finished.

That's a capital idea, Ted.

Eric

Two disposable cameras. More pictures...

More porn!

Eric

I won't be taking this to one-hour photo!

Where were you? I called you three times.

Eric

Had my phone on vibrate, I was, uh...a little busy.

Yeah?

Eric

Didn't want to be interrupted.

Busy with the left hand?

Eric

Funny.

Are you a religious man?

Horatio

After a fashion.

Eric

The Emergency Room is not the Medical Examiner!

You got Tourette's or something, man?

Well, that's different.

Calleigh

Someone's been doing yoga.

You guys have a stapler?

Calleigh

No, but you are the third one to ask in the last 10 minutes. Do you want us to burn you a copy?

Calleigh

So I guess the kidnapper was driving a red sports car. It's not exactly subtle...

Neither is murder.

Club where people come when the door guy turns you down everywhere else.

Eric

So this is your hangout, Speed.

You know, did you ever think about taking up stand-up comedy or something like that? Because you're really very funny.

Calleigh

Angelo's got nice taste in cars.

Hard to go wrong when you spend 80 grand.

Eric

According to the vic, this cowboy came through the front door, guns blazing.

I wonder if he tied up his horse.

Calleigh

Yeah, but you know, I was thinking. If he hadn't have stolen from the mob, then he never would have become a beach bum in Florida, and then he never would have got picked up by the hurricane. Then if he hadn't got picked up by the hurricane, he would have never hit Burton's car, and if it wasn't for hitting Burton's car, Burton would have gotten away with murder.

Eric

[smiling] Leave it to you, Calleigh, to find something good to come out of a hurricane.

Calleigh

[smiling] They do alleviate global warming.

[to Eric] She's way too cheerful.

[Carrying two heavy boxes.] You were supposed to meet me at the truck...

Eric

I figured you could use the exercise. It's good for you.

Thank you.

Delko

Got a category-2 hurricane and we get sent out to a traffic incident. What's up with Dispatch?

They're slammed with thousands of calls, so we take them one at a time till order's been restored.

Delko

I'd hate to see what a category-4 looks like.

So would Dispatch.