Ray Langston quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Ray

Can we call Dr. Barnard for a consult?

Robbins

Passed away in '98. Loved chili dogs, but his arteries didn't.

Ray

According to the SMD's, Wilkes traveled 3.2 miles from his last engine stop. Now, how do you drive that far, that wasted and still stay on the road?

Nick

Individual tolerances vary, just ask Keith Richards.

Alright, look guys, I got a press conference in an hour and I'd rather not say something that I'll have to backtrack later on. Did Wilkes intentionally kill Olivia Hamilton?

Ray

I doubt it.

Catherine

Maybe you should cancel the press conference.

Ray

Yeah. [reads the letter] They cleared me.

Nick

Good. Kill or be killed, Ray. It's a terrible situation to be in, man, don't let it bother 'ya.

Ray

It hasn't been bothering me. And that's what's been bothering me.

Ray

See, Craig, you and I have something in common: We both have father's who killed people.

Your father was a serial killer?

Ray

No, he was a soldier in the Korean War. He even got a Bronze Star for his work.

That's different.

Ray

No it's not. See, after the war was over, my father continued to fight, every once in a while he would go out to a bar, not so much to drink, but to pick fights. I remember one day, he came home he was very excited. He had a black eye and a fat lip, and was bragging about how he had knocked somebody out. Said he hit the man so hard the paramedics had to peel him off the floor, said it was the most fun he had ever had.

Ray Langston

What's the angriest you've ever been?

Nick Stokes

I've been mad enough to kill somebody. Didn't do it. What about you?

Ray Langston

High threshold. Short fuse.

David Phillips

Me, too. In high school, I vented my frustrations by devising elaborate tortures for my classmates. In comic book form, of course.

Nick Stokes

Well, whether the killer woke up this morning intending to beat this guy to death or not, right now, he's a new man with a new plan. And a big, fat secret.

Ray Langston

Secrets are hard to keep.

Catherine

Finn took action in the line of duty. Johnson was trying to help a kid at risk.

Nick

So where's the bad guy in this?

Ray

You tell me.

Ray

I was teaching at WLVU when Coach Miller won his second conference title. And everybody loved him, treated him like a god.

Catherine

Even gods have enemies.

Nick

So, you catch a guy burglarizing your store. You wanna teach him a lesson, I get it. You beat him, you stab him, you shoot him. But do you have to rape him?

Ray

Greek warriors in ancient times would sodomize their enemies after a battle, to humiliate them, take their manhood...

Nick

Yeah, yeah. I understand the concept of humiliation: rape isn't about sex, it's about violence. But this is a little excessive, don't you think?

Ray

Well... for some men... violence is their sex.

Nick

Time for a toast. You know, bowling is a family sport. I'd like to raise a glass to our CSI family. Cheers. [They all drink] But unfortunately, it's time to give the family a little ass-whoppin'. [They all laugh]

Hodges

Oh, really?!

Catherine

All of us?

Ray

Be careful, Nick, don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash.

Ooh!

Al Robbins

He's talking to you, isn't he?

Ray Langston

Yes. Sometimes I wish they would tell me more.

Al Robbins

Sometimes I wish they'd just shut up.

Nick Stokes

You know, Ray, for somebody who doesn't like golf, you certainly seem to know an awful lot about it.

Ray Langston

It's not that I don't like golf. It's just that you have to focus your mind, practically every fiber of your being on a small white ball that you wanna hit just the right way, and then when you hit it, the feeling is exhilarating. And so you chase the small white ball all day, so that you can hit it exactly the same way. You chase that feeling. Kinda like cocaine. Not exactly the best hobby for an obsessive personality.

Nick Stokes

Yeah, people like that are better suited for a job in criminalistics, huh?

Ray

I've seen access denied, but access restricted?

Sara

Denied is get lost. Restricted, that's like a fence you want to climb over.

Ray

Can you tell us what you did after you had been ejected for the second time?

I hooked up with another buyer. Paid him to buy up Brenda's whole table. He dropped off the merchandise around 11... and I blissed out in my room for the rest of the night.

Nick

Holed up in your hotel room with a bunch of women's panties is not an alibi.

If you'd ever tried it, you'd know it was.

Robbins

My uncle was obsessed with the smell of chocolate chip cookies. One day, my aunt came home and found him with his head in the oven. Thought he was committing suicide. She realised at that instant, the secret to a happy marriage: fresh baked cookies every day.

Ray

You're really kind of freaky, doc.

Robbins

Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment.