David Hodges quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Grissom

(After Hodges imagines Brass shooting Bobby Dawson six times) What do you got against Bobby Dawson?

Hodges

Nothing.

Wendy

Anytime a dog is impounded in a criminal case, its DNA is collected and profiled. It's just like CODIS.

Hodges

DODIS.

Wendy

Anyway most of the cases in the database are gang-related. But I figured, well, it's worth a shot.

Hodges

Well, that'll look good on the old Grissom point meter.

Wendy

It's protocol.

Hodges

I'm just saying, be careful. No one likes a kiss-ass.

Hodges

(talking about cotton fiber) I need another piece for comparison.

Catherine

Forget how to use the scissors? (pushes them to him) Put your fingers in the holes and squeeze.

Hodges

(smirks) Yes ma-am.

Hodges

(after Nick coughs) You know, in China people wear masks when they're sick. It's considered impolite to infect your co-workers.

Nick

Maybe you should go work in China.

Hodges

Maybe you should wear a mask.

Hodges

It's hard to believe that anybody could do something like this to such a beautiful little girl.

Catherine

So, if she had been plain or homely, it'd be easy for you to accept?

Hodges

No, but, maybe it's just me, that when something like this happens to a kid with a face like that, it just seems a little more tragic.

Catherine

Maybe that will work in our favor. (Catherine walks out)

Hodges

Did I just piss her off?

Grissom

Yeah, but she was heading that way when she came in.

Wendy

Okay. This one has a tag. And now... (hands hair follicular tag to Hodges) ... tag, you're it.

Hodges

Is that what passes for DNA humor around here? Never thought I'd miss Sanders.

Hodges

You're a geeky, nerdy guy trapped in a woman's body

Wendy

So are you.

Grissom

Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.

Hodges

Winston Churchill.

Grissom

Ian Fleming.

Hodges

I should know that I'm a huge James Bond fan.

Greg

What aren't you a fan of?

Hodges

In an interview in the San Francisco Chronicle, October 31, 1996, if I recall correctly, one Professor Gilbert Grissom revealed that as a boy he collected dead animals he found in his Marina Del Ray neighborhood and performed necropsies on them.

Grissom

Hodges, I want you to stop stalking me.

Hodges

Anytime you need a sniffer to detect it, my nose has the cyanide gene.

Grissom

What type of gene turned your nose brown? (referring to the squirrel he just necropsied) Go ahead. You can sew him up. (gets up and leaves)

Hodges

Will do. And I'll notify next of kin, too. (chuckles, then grimaces at the open body cavity of the squirrel)

Wendy

That time of the month, huh? I know, picking out the right feminine product can be so hard.

Hodges

You're gonna mock me or help me?

Wendy

I have to choose?

Hodges

I can't get this to work!

Wendy

Well that's probably 'cause you don't have the right equipment. ... You don't, do you?

Hodges

Haha, you're lucky you're cute. Annabelle Fundt was dosing her tampons with vodka.

Wendy

Does that even work?

Hodges

Kinda, even at their most absorbent, tampons only hold about 19 grams of fluid or about 20 milliliters.

Wendy

Well, that's enough for aunt flow but that is not going to get an alcoholic drunk.

Hodges

Who's Aunt flow? (Wendy gives him a look) Oh! All right, maybe she was just doing it to take the edge off but what I can't figure out is how she managed it because every time I throw one in here, it turns into Spongebob Squarepants.

Wendy

You don't take it out of the applicator first. Gimme! (Hodges gives her a tampon) Watch and learn. (she makes it clear how it works) There, that's why they call it an applicator.

Hodges

I always wondered how that worked.

Wendy

All men do.

Hodges

Bud didn't marry Annabelle. He married Natasha pretending to be Annabelle.

Catherine

Well, one thing's for sure. Neither one of them is pretending to be dead.

Hodges

I said that I saw Warrick sitting alone in Grissom's office in the dark.

Nick

So what?

Hodges

He got a phone call and he got really pissed at the person that he was talking to.

Nick

So what?

Hodges

Then he was found an hour later in a pool of Gedda's blood.

Nick

Hey, you don't know what happened in there.

Hodges

Look, Nick, all I did was tell the truth as I saw it. That's what we're supposed to do, right?

Hodges

Oh, hey! Gil! So I scored two tickets to this Alec Knight lecture. He's of course, you know, challenging the Russian claim that the Romonov remains found at Yekaterinburg are authentic. [Grissom looks slightly confused] Open bar.

Grissom

Are you asking me out?

Hodges

Is that a yes?

Hodges

My shoes are ruined. Why didn't you tell me to wear boots? Or better yet, hire some more CSIs.

Catherine

Trust me, you were my last choice.

Hodges

Thank you.