Gil Grissom quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Do you think forensic shows are just teaching the criminals how to get away with crimes?

Grissom

Everyone learns from science. It all depends on how you use the knowledge.

Al Robbins

It could be a hallucinogen, in some native cultures shamans use peyote to call forth visions.

Grissom

Al, when someone sells love potions and magic spells, the only visions they see are dollar signs.

Catherine

Hey Gil, uh, if you're swamped I can always cancel my vacation plans.

Grissom

We got it covered.

Catherine

Good, because I wasn't really that serious.

Grissom

I need to talk to you.

Greg

You heard about the strip club?

Grissom

I hear about everything, Greg.

Greg

That ear surgery paid off.

Let me see if I understand this correctly. You let one of the members of your team drive his personal vehicle to a crime scene investigation, and even though there was a perfectly good crime scene vehicle there that personal car was crammed with every bit of evidence collected at a major murder investigation because two of you were maxed out on overtime. (Sara smirks and looks towards Greg who looks at the ground) And then the driver of said car, instead of securing that evidence in the lab, gave priority to his need for runny eggs, and the aforementioned vehicle was stolen from the parking lot filled with police cars. (Brass raises his eyebrows) Is there anything I missed?

Grissom

Just this: Even if we recover the vehicle, the chain of custody has been broken, so all the evidence has been compromised. No judge will allow any of it to be admitted into court. Oh, and also, we released the crime scene, so it too has been compromised, leaving us nothing to go back for.

Thank you for clearing up the situation. (leaves)

Brass

It could have been worse. (shows Undersheriff McKeen leaving in his car, knocking down all the construction cones and speeding off)

For the past six months she made my life hell and so I told anyone that would listen that she should die a fiery death so now everyone is gonna think that I killed her.

Grissom

Would you like to be more specific?

Okay, well when we got engaged, um...she ran into the backyard and she screamed "Why God, why me?" Okay. She wore white today. She... She invited Adam's very, very, attractive, very um...single ex-girlfriend. When she found out that I had registered for sporting goods she went behind my back and changed the registry to housewears. Saying that I better learn how to cook. Okay, I'm a vegetarian and she demanded roast beef. Um...and then, then there's the toast. The toast.

Grissom

Are you trying to make me think that you didn't kill her?

I would never do that to Adam. I honestly don't know how such an amazing man came from...from...that.

Grissom

That's a tight schedule. She would have barely had time to go to the bathroom.

I don't sell bridal diapers for nothin'.

Greg

He was kiddin' about the diapers, right?

Hodges

You know, you and me, we're not the marrying kind. The intricacies of our nature can never be understood by just one woman.

Grissom

Would you close the door please? [Hodges goes over and closes the door.] From the other side.

Grissom

Did you know the original role of the bridesmaid was to act as a human shield against the bride's enemies?

Sara

Women would dress similar to the bride in an effort to confuse and outsmart evil spirits that might try to overtake her on her wedding day.

Nick

Wow, for somebody who's anti-wedding you sure know a lot about it.

Sara

I'm not anti-wedding, I'm just anti-stupid. You know, people who do things for the sake of tradition with no clue as to why...

Doc Robbins

Gil, have you ever been even close to getting married?

Grissom

Once, when I was younger. Her name was Nicole Daley. I asked her to marry me. We were classmates. She liked bugs too. I gave her my grandmother's ring, but my mother made me get it back. [Doc Robbins nods] Second grade.

Grissom

I think I found a toupee, our vic may be bald.

Nick

Thanks that will help me distinguish it from the other severed heads I find out here.

Greg

Just between you and me, does he always wear a suit [talking about Brass]? Like, when you guys go to dinner, the movies...or whatever it is you do when you hang out? 'Cuz I gotta tell you, the thought of him in a sweater really freaks me out.

Grissom

[smiles] We don't hang out, Greg.

Greg

No kidding? [shrugs shoulders] I just assumed.

Grissom

I don't know, most people want to die in their sleep, I suppose, never know that it's happening. Like a crime scene: surprise, you're dead. I'd prefer to know in advance that I was gonna die, like to be diagnosed with cancer, actually have some time to prepare; go back to the rain-forest one more time; re-read Moby Dick; possibly enter an international chess tournament; at least, have enough time to say goodbye to the people I love.

Sara

I'm not ready to say goodbye.

Grissom

I got you a veggie burger.

Sara

Thanks.

Warrick

: What about me?

Grissom

I didn't know you were here. Soy, sorry. (Sara smirks)

Warrick

Where's the love?

Sara

I hear we're out of suspects.

Grissom

Not necessarily, could be anyone in town. Or anyone out of town for that matter. That's a lot of suspects.