Gil Grissom quotes from CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

I just realized that you and I have a very healthy relationship.

Grissom

We do?

When we have a problem, I don't paint Greg in latex and stick a straw up his nose.

Grissom

Good. He'd probably like it.

You're supposed to say something revealing back to me.

Grissom

Okay. I never told anyone this, Catherine......

[screen fades to black]

S2 E8 Slaves of Las Vegas

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Grissom

To get to the evidence, we may destroy the evidence.

Do you get these haiku's out of a book, or do they just come to you?

Grissom

Every time you find a body, you have to choose a path. And when you take that path, grasshopper, you risk destroying the evidence.

We grab a trough and some fine-mesh screens and pretend like we're panning for gold, Master.

S2 E8 Slaves of Las Vegas

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Grissom

A Harvard professor conducted an experiment. Asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game - count the number of times the ball was passed.

Brass

Yeah? Groundbreaking.

Grissom

During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterward, the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "what gorilla?"

Brass

That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

S2 E9 And Then There Were None

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Grissom

Whoa. Careful. Livestock. [Holds up his jar of roaches] Hissing roaches from Madagascar.

Sorry.

Grissom

These babies run two and a half miles an hour.

I don't doubt that for a minute.

Grissom

Fifth annual entomological convention in Duluth. Cockroach racing finals.

[Grissom pushes the door to his office open and walks in. Catherine follows]

You're roach racing.

Grissom

Actually, I'm giving a tutorial on preserving mass crime scenes. The sideshow is racing this guys.

Ah.

Grissom

I mean, to have a chance to run against legendary roaches like Cocky Balboa, The Drain Lover, Priscilla, Queen of the Gutters. It's huge.

What do you feed those guys?

Grissom

Dog food.

And who's...supervising night shift?

Grissom

You are.

Me? I am on the red-eye to Reno. The Braun Family is opening a new casino. I am Sam's date.

Grissom

That's tonight?

I told you once, memo'd you twice. [she sighs. Grissom is distracted by the roaches in the container]

Grissom

Man, these guys are primed.

[leaving]: Better get somebody.

S2 E10 Ellie

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The job is fine. It's the other stuff -- the personalities.

Grissom

I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.

Is that Einstein?

Grissom

Linus.

Charlie Brown. Figures.

S2 E10 Ellie

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The average American hotel room is covered with stains invisible to the naked eye.

Grissom

Yeah, but they're not all biological. Some are soda stains, food stains, whiskey stains, you know.

No matter how clean or expensive the room seems that's why I always travel with nonoxinol nine.

Grissom

You sound like you're making a commercial.

S2 E11 Organ Grinder

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Grissom

Okay, let's run this. Amanda was tired of being number two, so she calls up Mrs. Logan to discuss her affair with her husband. But Mrs. Logan doesn't just discuss it she throws down the gauntlet.

Amanda broke the only rule. Don't call the missus.

Now he really has a problem.

Two problems. His wife is going to leave him, take half his money and he was going to jail.

You got to admit, his solution was ingenious.

Grissom

Most killers take their time planning a murder. He took his time covering it up. Forty-eight hours to be precise. So Logan cleans up the crime scene and calls his lawyer. Asks him to help him with his little charade. I mean, what better way to protect your assets than to pay a kidnapper who's already on retainer?

Everything from that point on was calculated.

Grissom

Blood on his hands...he's the last customer of the day at the bank. Acting suspiciously...

...driving recklessly.

He knew he'd get hauled in to the cops.

You bet your ass. He didn't leave those sunglasses behind by accident. His cell phone rang on cue. The call's for me. He practically forced that money into his lawyer's hands.

Grissom

Out of one pocket, into the other. I especially liked the little show he did for us in the coroner's lab. Trying to find out how much we knew.

Why make the map? Why lead Catherine to the body?

Grissom

Because without the body Logan would always be under suspicion.

If not by the police, by his wife.

So, he left these wine glasses for you to find.

Sure, we wanted us to suspect the wife. That's why he used her SUV to transport the body. And he let me mark the money because he knew that eventually his lawyer would touch it.

Why though? The money was in a suitcase.

A million dollars. Pretty tempting.

Grissom

I saw the locker and I saw Logan's briefcase. It was too big to fit inside. His lawyer had to remove the cash by hand.

How could he possibly know that Catherine was going to mark the money?

He didn't. He probably thought the bank marked it.

Besides, there's always fingerprints.

So I did everything in my power to help him.

S2 E14 The Finger

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[A bug crawls out of the man's shirt]

Oh look, one of your friends.

Grissom

It's a carpet beetle, it shouldn't be here.

Vic seem more like a hard-wood floor kinda guy to you?

S2 E15 Burden of Proof

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[Sara and Cath are in the hallway walking into the breakroom]

Wow, you got to go to the body farm?

Yeah.

I've always wanted to go there. What was it like?

Quiet.

[Now in the breakroom]

I hear Grissom goes there all the time. Like even on his nights off.

[Walking over to the fridge] Why does that not surprise me? [He opens the fridge and sighs] Man, something stinks in here again. [He grabs his lunch out of the fridge]

What, bad milk? Cottage-cheese bad?

Worse. It's all over my sandwich. Smell that. [He hands her his sandwich, she reacts to the smell. She then kneels down to look in the fridge and sees a container on the top shelf]

Yeah. He's got one of his experiments in there.

You're kidding me?

Catherine Blood or bugs?

It's not bugs.

Oh, that's so not cool. That's a community fridge.

Man, someone has got to talk to Grissom about this.

Grissom

[Walking in]: Talk to me about what?

You leaving your experiments in our refrigerator.

Grissom

Well, the lab fridge was full. I put in last night.

Well...

Grissom

I'm going to test for horizontal motion on bloodstains. Vis-a-vis surface textures. [Nick looks annoyed. Catherine takes a sip of her coffee and discretely tries to ignore the smell. Grissom is clueless as he takes out the container of blood from the fridge and opens it] Hey, any of you guys got any linoleum at home? [Catherine catches a smell of the open container and this time, she discretely pinches her nose trying to avoid the smell. Sara is quiet]

[sits down still annoyed at being ignored] That blood is rank, man.

Grissom I know. That's why the Red Cross gives it to us 'cause it's past its expiration date. [Grissom puts it back in the fridge and talks to Catherine about the case a little then leaves]

Way to go, Nick. You really told him.

I told him...he just didn't hear it.

S2 E15 Burden of Proof

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Grissom

I'm working a case!