Code Monkeys · Season 1
Dave... What are you doing?!
My computer is frozen. If you hit the computer exactly the right way...it unfreezes. [resumes humping his computer]
Did it work?
[orgasms] Yeah, sorta. Phew.
Dave, we gotta finish this game. You know, 'cause we're game programmers.
Fine, I'll change my pants later.
And when are you gonna get this dead donkey out of here?
He is not dead, he is sleeping.
Listen, I don't know anything about video games, but I heard you two were my star programmers. So I am hellbent on having you boys continue to do what's really important.
Making sweet-ass video games and getting messed up on hooch? Yeah!
No, you goofy-looking cow turd, making me money! I love money. I've got a blowup doll made of money that I make sweet love to every night.
That's messed up.
My love of money has helped me succeed in women's coats, novelty items, and now video games! There are three things Big T don't much cotton to: bats, turtles, and people who fuck with my money!
Hey boys, it's me, Clarence. It's your best friend in the world, who happens to be gay. Oooo!
Whoa! And whatever the hell that thing was.
That's four.
Shut up Dave!
So if you boys fuck up, then we got ourselves a little problema. Looking forward to working with you two gentlemen. Excuse me, boys, those bats is good eating. YEEHAW!
I got syphilis from a turtle once... not from a Mexican whore.
E.T., I love you.
Oh, I love you too.
[at a strip club] I love you, whores! And I love you, sluts!
[nude] How long was I out?
Well, about two hours after finishing your game, Floating Space Rocks, you took a celebratory hit on the Dega Bong and passed out.
Must have been that new weed I developed. [sits in Jerry's chair]
Get your stupid ass out of my chair!
Well, why is my penis green?
I can answer that, too. At about 2 A.M., high out of your mind, you painted it so that it would look like, and I quote, "a sexual serpent capable of spitting its venom everywhere."
Damn it. I knew I was a genius.
You mess with Diamond, you gonna get cut!
Well, if it isn't the team that brought us the Ishtar of video games!
Ha ha ha ha, that's funny, because Ishtar was a big failure!
Not to worry, ladies. We stole the truckload of games. All 100,000 of them. High-fives all around, and then Mary, and uh...Clare, I'm gonna need a BJ from the both of you.
Truckload? 100,000? That was JUST the first batch, you jack-holes! We shipped over four million of those things! It's the biggest video game shipment IN HISTORY!
Maybe the kids won't notice that it sucks. I mean, they're just kids, right?
Hey, I just saw the first screening of E.T. I'm not one for emotions or anything but, that little alien changed the way I... [starts crying, then stops] What's that turd?
That is Dave and Jerry's E.T. game.
[loses hearts as he talks] You...how could you?! You don't know anything about E.T.! You don't love E.T.! You didn't even see the movie, did you?!
No, I didn't. And I know you're all mad at me because I screwed up the game. But you know what I did do? I went to a strip club. You know what that means? That means that I saw naked women. And they shook their asses THIS close to my face. For money. Sure, I could have gone to that movie, but then I wouldn't have seen all those naked women. At the strip club. With the boobs. In my face. Now ask yourselves, can you blame me? And besides, isn't that what you would have wanted me to do?
Grrrr...
Yeah, we gotta stop that truck before it drops all those games off. We'll take my car!
Dave, you don't have a car.
[Walks into office to see Jerry punching a wall]
Whoa, what the fuck are you doing? How many of those Pixy Stix did you have?
That's not your concern, my friend. Your concern is arming with enough knowledge about E.T. so I can create the world's greatest game, with extreme prejudice!
Your hands are bleeding, dude!
YOU WILL TAKE ME TO THE CONFERENCE ROOM RIGHT NOW, AND YOU WILL TELL ME ABOUT E.T.! [kicks Dave out of the room]
I know. You're probably pissed at Jerry.
Pissed?! You boys took my car, I'd be less pissed if you fed me my own ass on a ciabatta!
The future...is Stonervision.
Stonervision? Dave, people'll think we're dealing.
That's phase two, compadré.
We could probably swing it if you let us roll it in with our student loans.
And I could probably cut off your head and bring it to your mothers so they could kiss their babies' asses. Okay?
How are you gonna make our mothers kiss our own asses if you bring them our heads?
I did not know they were cooking meth in the back of that bondage club!
Stop it! You're under arrest for tax evasion.
Whew, talk about dodging bullets.
BEND ME OVER, KISS MY ASS, AND HANDWASH MY PRIVATES!
It's like someone stole of my babies. Except that baby is made of money instead of useless baby meat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Code Monkeys pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
