I know right from wrong, occasionally I choose, well a lot, I choose to ignore that knowledge. Like, when I gave Todd a roofie and left him at the Purple Helmet. Or when I called Claire and pretended to be her dead father. Those things were definitively wrong. But they were wrong by choice, dude. This time, I didn't do anything wrong, except use drugs to do my job and make an extremely violent video game. And that's not a crime, dude! That's America!
S2 E2My Pal Jody
S2 E3Psychological Problems
?"Shrink"
Let's try some word association: Cat.
Garfield.
?"Shrink"
Dolphins.
Intelligent.
?"Shrink"
Shoes.
Intelligent again! 3 for 3!
?"Shrink"
Marriage.
Murder...
?"Shrink"
Swimming pools.
Water murder.
?"Shrink"
Orphanage.
Arson.
I know this one: it's a reggae band of ants, and bad news, the drummer, he sucks.
S2 E4Dave Gets Boobs
Dave, girlfriends let you see their boobs for free, I've been told.
Dude, that's the oldest lie in the book!
There's a book?
Yes, Jerry, it's called the Book of Lies! The first chapter is, if you get a girlfriend, you get to see her boobs for free.
Wait, you don't?
Hell no, dude! Girlfriends make you pay an emotional cost! You may not have to fork over money, but you gotta ask them questions like, "Um, how are you?" and "What are you doing?" and "Does this hurt?" and "Did you forget to take your pill?" and stuff like that. It's horrible!
I don't know, Dave, I think it sounds kinda nice.
Dream sequence of Jerry with Mary
Hi honey, I'm home!
Where's my dinner, bitch?
Ow! Ow, stop it! Stop it, you're a monster!
Dream sequence ends
Oh man, even my dreams hate me.
Of course they do! You're a dick and you should start sucking cock. On the other hand, I am a problem solver, and I'm gonna solve this problem so I never have to pay for boobs again. But I'm gonna need some help!
S2 E10Benny's Birthday
If I had a sister, I'd bang the hell outta her. And I've spilt enough blood to know it's thicker than water. Now I have to go drop off an orphan in the woods. And that ain't a poop joke.
Yo dad, when I was little you used to say you shoulda had me adopted.
And now I'm finally glad nobody wanted you, 'cause you're a gosh darn genius! We gots to get Benny adopted!
Did ya hear that? My dad thinks I'm a genus! A group of organisms that share a common characteristic! What's up?!
S2 E11The Great Recession
Wait a minute. The solution to our problem is all around us. The mall! This place is filled with employment opportunities.
Show us your tits or get the fuck off the stage!
Drinking yourself to death is expensive!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Code Monkeys pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.