China, IL quotes

The Dean

Steve, these government dudes think you're a terrorist!

Steve

My life has been putty in his hands! I won't take his putty in my mouth!

Pony

Steve, he could be crapping in all our mouths right now, and we wouldn't know it.

Steve

The Dean is—cool.

Baby Cakes

So cool he could kill or love anyone, and we gotta have a perfect in our pack of regulars or we'd all be lost.

Pony

Frank, you are such an attention whore!

Frank

The same can be said for Jesus, and look where it got him: queen of heaven.

School made that baby; school deal with it! Amen!

Baby Cakes

Listen up: I started out as a baby on this campus, too, and I'm now me. That baby is flesh and blood—that's got to have value, or else nothing does.

Baby Cakes

I bet heaven's a ghost town.

Pony

Duh. That's the point, right?

Baby Cakes

No, I mean like no one's good enough to be there. Just Jesus playing fetch with Old Yeller.

Frank

You can't fake gay sex, okay? Hips won't lie.

The Dean

Steve, tenure is the highest promotion a professor can receive. You are now unfireable—and almost rich.

Pony

I wish I could get tenure and be almost rich.

Pony

The Americans didn't need more land, but the natural resources were like—the gravy on potatoes.

It's finally clear! If potatoes are covered in gravy, then I'll kill anyone to get 'em!

Pony

And that is exactly what the early Americans did: we killed everybody!

Frank

Oh my God. She's—Amadeus-y.

Kenny

[Preparing a song] Here's one that sucks in parts, and I hope your dates will do the same.

Baby Cakes

So Mattie is—

Leonard

Your sister, son.

Baby Cakes

Aw, man.

Leonard

That's why I didn't want you together. Believe me, I understand the inertia of star-crossed love—but fucking your sister is just gross.

Only two things matter to me: loyalty and huffing paint.

Steve

Jen, okay look. I'm just not that into you, all right?

Steve, sometimes I get the feeling that you're just not that into me.

Pony

It does kinda suck that we students failed all our classes. I mean, listen to them down there.

Baby Cakes

Nah, they sound happy.

[Lighting a cat on fire] We're not happy! [Throws burning cat at office]