A character in China, IL
Voiced by Greta Gerwig
China, IL · 62 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in China, IL: in 15 of its 62 quotes
Most scenes with: Baby Cakes (6), Frank (3), Steve (3)
[A garbage truck deals with garbage as Pony tries to talk.]
PonyYou got to trust me. When I was at her house, [Getting louder] I saw a room with [Getting louder] a lock on it, and I bet [Yelling] Kim has been trapped in there! [Yells at the garbageman] Shut the hell up!
My life has been putty in his hands! I won't take his putty in my mouth!
PonySteve, he could be crapping in all our mouths right now, and we wouldn't know it.
PonyFrank, you are such an attention whore!
The same can be said for Jesus, and look where it got him: queen of heaven.
I bet heaven's a ghost town.
PonyDuh. That's the point, right?
No, I mean like no one's good enough to be there. Just Jesus playing fetch with Old Yeller.
Steve, tenure is the highest promotion a professor can receive. You are now unfireable—and almost rich.
PonyI wish I could get tenure and be almost rich.
PonyThe Americans didn't need more land, but the natural resources were like—the gravy on potatoes.
[The class gasp.]
It's finally clear! If potatoes are covered in gravy, then I'll kill anyone to get 'em!
PonyAnd that is exactly what the early Americans did: we killed everybody!
[The class begin cheering.]
Oh my God. She's—Amadeus-y.
PonyIt does kinda suck that we students failed all our classes. I mean, listen to them down there.
Nah, they sound happy.
[Outside, the students are rioting.]
[Lighting a cat on fire] We're not happy! [Throws burning cat at office]
Pony[Learning that she has sixty years before she will resemble Sammy] So this means I'll look good until I'm eighty.
Oh you got it backwards. I finally started looking good at eighty.
I think I know what's going on here. You waddled your fat cat American ass down here, thinking that Mexico was as dirty and cheap as Selena Gomez.
PonyI didn't—waddle.
Miss, this is a university. It costs thousands of dollars, not dozens.
Pony[Unsure of Frank's whereabouts] This is all Steve's fault. You know, he tricked me into showing a porno in class. He said that it was the Dean's, but that's just crazy.
Uh huh. Yeah, he's always telling me crazy stuff too, like, "Get me out of this dungeon you built in your basement," and, "I'm not a wizard," so yeah. I feel ya.
PonyYou know, he told me that he jacked off six times yesterday. Why do I need to know that?
Why do I need to know that?
[Enter Steve.]
'Sup, brother?
No, don't say "brother," all right? That's just gross.
I have been hanging out quite a lot with my friends Transfer Billy and Stacy Megan. Yeah, and it's great.
PonyIt's a lie is what it is.
You're a bush is what you is—are.
B.C. is just a repressed, full-on anchovy-eater, like I was before.
PonyIt makes sense. If he wants anchovies, me must have the anchovy gene, right?
His love for pepperoni—it's all been a lie.
Then I'm the greatest liar ever.
Pony[Attacking the Easter Bunny] You die!
Please stop!
PonyFuck you! Fuck you! I will fucking kill you! [Screaming and tearing up] This world sucks—Easter Bunnies and dead husbands! Die, you fucking Easter Bunny! Die like my dead husband; die like Johnny! I was relieved when Johnny died; I got married to him way too quick! I felt guilty for feeling like this for so long! [Pony pauses as she ceases her attacks.] I do miss him, though.
[Having witnessed the beating] Oh, she's a Chris Brown.
PonyNo, I'm a brown widow.
PonyKim's dead.
Oh my God, how?
PonyGummy bear.
Well, that one's on me, I guess.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's China, IL pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
