Steve quotes from China, IL

Steve

My life has been putty in his hands! I won't take his putty in my mouth!

Pony

Steve, he could be crapping in all our mouths right now, and we wouldn't know it.

Steve

The Dean is—cool.

Baby Cakes

So cool he could kill or love anyone, and we gotta have a perfect in our pack of regulars or we'd all be lost.

Steve

Jen, okay look. I'm just not that into you, all right?

Steve, sometimes I get the feeling that you're just not that into me.

Baby Cakes

The ball's dropping!

Ten.

Nine.

Leonard

Eight.

Seven.

Baby Cakes

Green.

Five.

The Dean

Four.

Meh.

Steve

Two.

Frank

I can't let my other self die!

Baby Cakes

Come on, guys; don't be turds out of water!

Flip Flop

Ah, yeah! Twin fight! Twins hate being twins, yo.

Steve

No, this is not about us looking alike; I am TOTALLY COOL with that.

We are completely different.

Steve

Yeah, we are different. You ain't the boss; I am. You're gonna teach my curriculum, and while you're at it, you're gonna change your clothes.

Flip Flop

Oh, I called it! It's about the twin stuff!

Steve

Hey, new guy, I think you look more like Carabas there than you do me.

Fuck off; I'm way hotter!

I look nothing like him! I am special!

No one is like me!

Steve

Yes! Last of the Mohicans!

Frank

Denying it just makes it more obvious.

Steve

Just like denying you'll never be a Person of Anyone's Day is obviously sad.

Steve

Baby Cakes, sometimes when a man has feeling for a woman—

Baby Cakes

I don't understand!

Steve is the new Eve; make him feel shitty for it! Now gimme that! [Snatches the Haardvark and speaks through it] Schnoopies done plugged that, bee-yotch! LOL!

Steve

All right, everybody, let's just chill.

Steve

You gotta admit, last night was kind of funny.

Frank

No I won't admit it! What you did to me was—bad people stuff.

Pony

You know, he told me that he jacked off six times yesterday. Why do I need to know that?

Matt

Why do I need to know that?

Flip Flop

'Sup, brother?

Steve

No, don't say "brother," all right? That's just gross.

Pony

Kim's dead.

Steve

Oh my God, how?

Pony

Gummy bear.

Baby Cakes

Well, that one's on me, I guess.