Piper Halliwell quotes from Charmed

Phoebe

Yeah well, why Me?

Piper

Cause he's not my type.

Piper

You know, if I hadn't taken over Paige's room, this never would've happened. This is all my fault.

Phoebe

Okay, you two really need to get a room.

Piper

Yeah.

Piper

Where's Wyatt?

Chris

He's in the living room.

Phoebe

What about Grams?

Leo

She... didn't make it. (The basement door opens. Grams walks out, coughing.)

Grams

Nonsense. You can't damage an old war horse like me. I'm already dead.

Paige

Okay, she's French. Bad karma. Napoleon?

Piper

Probably not.

Paige

Okay, what about Marie Antoinette, Queen Isabella, the she-wolf of France?

Paige

Okay, let's see. Speaks French, hates the country, more than willing to strip in public. Oh my God, I saw something in here. :(Reading from a book) Famous females spies: Mata Hari.

Piper

Wasn't she one of the bond girls?

Phoebe

The whole biological clock thing, it's very real and it's echoing: tick, tick, tick, tick...

Piper

Okay, neurotic people, can we get back to my neurosis right now, please?

Phoebe

Sure, which one were we talking about?

Piper

The one where I'm a rotten mother who's raising an antisocial child.

Phoebe

Okay, you know what? I think we should help the magic school, because we can't just keep that head on our foyer table, you know? What is it, a centre-piece?.

Piper

What's going on?

Phoebe

Maybe, maybe you should sit down, for a second.

Piper

Oh! That doesn't sound good.

Phoebe

No, no. No, It's good, it's good. I mean, you know it's not bad. It's a really, it's a really good thing. It's not a bad thing. I think it's a really good thing, Don't you think??

Paige

Yeah! I mean, it depends, you know.

Piper

Unhu! that sounds worse.

Paige

No, it's just complicated.

Paige

Chris.. is your son.

Phoebe

Wyatt's brother. Look I know this is huge...

Piper

No, It's not huge, because it's not possible. It's crazy!'Cause I'm not pregnant!

Oh, yeah!

Phoebe

No, I'm not. I mean, how could that happen!? I mean, I know how that could happen! But, it...... Oh! What am I going to do?

Phoebe

Maybe you should talk to Leo about it?

Piper

No! I can't!

Phoebe

Why?

Piper

Well, because, because, because I can't!

Chris

Is this a bad time?

Victor

Oh my god, you're pregnant!

Piper

Yeah, it looks that way, huh?

Victor

When did this happen?

Piper

Oh, well, you know, I've been meaning to call you but, you know... Leo's the father.

Victor

Leo? I thought you guys split up.

Piper

We did.

Victor

Well, then how... I don't understand.

Piper

Well, He was dying and I was crying... It's all very complicated

Chris

Hey, look, I need your help. I think I've got scabs in my tail. (Piper and Paige stare surprised)

Piper

Oh! Well, I have some hydrogen peroxide in my bathroom.

Chris

No! scabbers demons.

Piper

It's a boy. Chris, actually.

Victor

Chris? Why'd you choose that name?

Piper

I don't know, and he won't tell me. He's very secretive about the future. He's actually the reason I asked you to come. See, um, he hates me and he doesn't want to talk to me and I need you to find out why.

Victor

I don't understand your wiccan ways, but I'll try. (He leans towards Piper's stomach) Hello, Chris. Chris. Hello, Chris. Can you hear me?

Chris

Is someone calling me?

Piper

Yeah, sweetie, could you come here for a sec?

Victor

Geez, he can come out? (Chris walks in)

Chris

Can we air this out, 'cause I gotta... Grandpa! (Chris goes over to Victor and hugs him while Victor is stunned)

Piper

Chris, is that what you've been living with knowing that something happens to me? I see, well does it happen soon?

Chris

I can't tell you that, it could change the future in even worse ways.

Piper

Right, but isn't that why you came here in the first place, to make the future better? How do you know that you haven't already changed mine?

Victor

She's got a point.

Piper

Well, whatever it is it obviously doen't happen until after you're born so save it. Got it?

Chris

I got it, mom. (Piper smiles)

Paige

So are you happy?

Piper

'Bout what?

Paige

About what the doctor said: it's gonna be a healthy baby.

Piper

Of course it's a healthy baby, I've seen him 22 and walking around.

Paige

Well you never know, something could've gone wrong!

Piper

Oh, stop being such a worry wart, you're starting to sound like...(Chris orbs in.) Chris! What are you doing here?

Paige

This better not be about demons, 'cause I am on my lunch break!

Chris

No, no. I just wanted to check how it went with the doctor.

Piper

Well. You'll be happy to know that you're a boy!

Chris

Funny. That's not what I meant.

Paige

(looking at ultrasound.) I don't see it...

Piper

Oh, see it's this little thing over here...

Chris

(snatches ultrasound away.) Hey! Excuse me, do you mind? (pauses, looks at ultrasound and squints.)

Chris

Wait, you had a force field with Wyatt but not with me?

Piper

Well I didn't have one, he had one. It was all his doing.

Chris

From the womb? He had powers from the womb? That's unbelieveable, it's not like I don't have an inferiority complex with him already. Thank you!

Piper

(to Paige) Did you find that demon yet?

Paige

Yes, actually I did. It's the Spider Demon. An evil creature that emerges from its hidden lair every hundred years to capture and feed off the most powerful magical being it can dtect, in this case, that would be you. (looks at Piper)

Chris

And me.

Chris

Sorta.

Piper

You must be so proud.