Ever tell you about my Star Trek script?
Star Trek script?
Yeah! I gotta write it down is all. The Enterprise is five parsecs out of Rigel XII. Nothing's going on, Neutral Zone is quiet, the crew is bored, so they put on a pie-eating contest. The whole crew's in the galley. They're eating tulaberry pies–
Tulaberry?
Tulaberries. From Gamma Quadrant, yo.
That's Voyager, dude!
Okay, blueberries, then! They're eating blueberry pies...
Better.
...as fast as the replicator can churn 'em out. [imitates replicator noise] Burdalurdalurp-pssst! Burdalurdalurp-pssst! Finally, it's down to just three: Kirk, Spock, and Chekov. Okay, Spock always wins these things.
How is Spock gonna beat Kirk, yo? Spock's like a toothbrush! Look at Kirk! He's got room to spare!
Spock has total Vulcan control over his digestion! You wanna hear this or not?
Yeah, yeah, go.
Okay, finally–Kirk, he can't take it anymore. He yorks. Now it's just down to Chekov and Spock. But Chekov, y'see, he's got a whole fat stack of quatloos riding on this. And he has figured out a way to win. He's got Scotty back in the transporter room locked in on Chekov's stomach. Every time Chekov eats a pie, Scotty beams it right out of him.
Where is he sending them, the toilet?
Space.
Uugghh!
There's blueberries just floating out there frozen–because it's in space–and Chekov is just shoveling them into his mouth, and–and Spock is like, "I can't believe this Russian is defeating me!" Meanwhile, Scotty's in the transporter room fiddling with levers when Lieutenant Uhura comes in and she's got, y'know, her big pointies, and Scotty's fingers are all sweaty.
No!
Chekov screams, he sprays blood out of his mouth...
Ohhhh!
...Scotty beamed his guts into space!
No way!
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