Uh-uh, my name is... Deirdre Barlow.
(pointing to Richie) And his.
Well, Deirdres, Skullcrusher is very, very angry with you.
Should we send him some flowers?
No, I'm afraid it's beyond flowers. [Richie gulps] Basically, he says that unless you stop printing, and come up with five grand by closing time tonight, he's gonna come around and crush your skulls.
And... that's why they call him the Skullcrusher...
Exactly! So, until tonight, gentlemen.
I think I'd better go to the lavvy.
[Richie and Eddie are trying to steal a car]
How do you actually drive a car?
Well, you reach under the dashboard, grab those two wires and jam them together 'til the engine fires up...
...then, you drink another can of Special Brew, stick a brick on the accelerator and aim it at the post office!
Well, I'm just going to turn this key and see what happens...
[Richie starts the car and hits the accelerator pedal, only to reverse through the front window of the local off-licence. Eddie starts grabbing cans of lager off the shelves]
Hey, look, Richie! Special offer!
MMarcel
Look! It's Ted Rogers in a dress!
Yeah, don't try that old "Hey, look, it's Ted Rogers in a dress" routine on me, Buster! Come on over here and get some good old-fashioned British violence!
MMarcel
But it is Ted Rogers in a wedding dress! With a big seven-foot Neanderthal figure.
That's not Ted Rogers! That's that bird from the abbatoir, that's getting married to "Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones.
[Richie and Eddie gasp in horror]
RERichie & Eddie
"Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones?!
TO"Cannonball" Taffy O'Jones
(from off-screen) That's right, you ignorant English wankers!
[A pair of cricket balls hit Richie and Eddie on their foreheads, knocking them out]
[Returning from a spot of looting during the annual Hammersmith riot]
Yeah, well i was being run over by the riot squad!
Well, two wrongs dont make a right, young man. Just because you're being run over doesn't mean you have to smash a television set! I could have been watching Sophie Grigson peeling a banana (Mimics peeling a banana), or washing a cucumber (Mimics washing a cucumber), or anything!
I know. To the wrong bloke!
Still, at least we got the duck.
(Holds up a rubber duck)
Yeah, it's made out of plastic!
Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery is the use of a plastic duck?
It floats in the bath. [Puts duck in Richie's face] Hello!
[exasperated] Why the duck?!
It came free with the telly.
Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why didn't you get a free telly with the telly?!
Well, then it would sink in the bath!
That's it. I'm going to write to my MP!
(emphatically) Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
(wailing) She's not, she's not!
[Eddie removes his glasses. Richie pokes him in the eye]
Spectacles back on! [Eddie puts his glasses back on] Now calm down about Tony Blair.
[After an incident involving a blow-up doll named Monica and some superglue, Richie has, apparently, lost his penis.]
Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!
[Richie has been unable to say his lines because he has the giggles.]
[laughs] Sit down Eddie... I've got some sad and tragic news [laughs]. I've got some sad and tragic news. [laughs]
You don't look very upset about it. You looked a lot sadder than that in rehearsals. [to audience] It made me cry.
LOOK SIT DOWN! I've decided to kill myself, Eddie... because I'm so tragically in debt.
Fucking Hell! A line from the play!
(Crowd cheers and Richie laughs again.)
Just SHUT UP and watch the play, right? (points to Eddie) You, leave me alone: we're never gonna get out of South-fucking-hampton.
Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?
Well that's an unusual philosophical stance.
Yeah, I think I put my trousers on too quickly just now. But stick to the point, Eddie, I thought we were talking philosophy?
Well, we were, but your philosophy is bollocks!
BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!
So let's do what we always do!
Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?
[Huge applause from the audience]
Alan Rickman eat your heart out! [towards Richie] And cue.
[Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?
[Laughs to himself] Yeah, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's good to be home!
[Another huge applause]
Oh, Eddie, Eddie, you were born in Southampton? WOW! Why did you ever leave?
That was a bit below the belt. [thinks of a comeback] Because... I found the railway station!
[Another huge applause]
[towards the audience] Stop fucking clapping! [imitates them] Bastards! [towards someone in the front of the upper circle] Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!
That's no way to talk to my mother [towards the audience] Sorry Mum.
[Having told Eddie he intends to commit suicide, to Eddie's delighted response]
Eddie, I understand you're trying to put a brave face on, but don't you think that that particular face was just a little bit too fucking brave?!
