[Richie telling Eddie their breakfast options]
Eddie, I bring good news and bad. there is some yoghurt, but if you want to eat you're gonna have to shave it first. Er, theres also a sausage, but it appears to have already been digested...twice. and theres also a rather unpleasant and completely useless piece of human excrement in there, but i think it might just be Graham Taylor.
[Audience laughs and applauses]
So, what's it to be for breakfast this morning, me old buster?
Eddie(from toilet): I'll have a curry.
No, you bloody well won't! The last one you had has a half-life of five hundred years! We should have your rectum sealed in concrete and dumped in the north sea. now hurry up and eat your breakfast before Saddam Hussein gets a whiff of your bot and tries to dump you on the Kurds!
[Richie slams the prop door. It opens by itself. The audience laugh. He tries it again. It opens again. A couple of audience members cheer, causing Richie to whisper "Fuck off!" to the audience]
(breaking character, aside to door) Now you listen to me buster, you're just a door. I'm Rik fucking Mayall! CLOSE!
[Slams the door. It stays shut.]
[about the semtex] Where on Earth did you get it?
Car Boot sale. Got it off these two blokes Michael O'Hooligan and Patricia O'Violence. And their friend was there Pat O'Cake.
[Audience laughs as Eddie tries not to laugh.]
[Eddie is still trying not to laugh, the audience cheer.]
That's the one! God, I love that gag.
What a sad, lonely life you must lead.
Right, on with the plot, Eddie.
[Eddie with his revolver walks up to the parrot in its cage]
I know what you're thinking, Parrot. You're thinking "How many shots did I fire, back there in Act 2 Scene 1?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement of Richie forgetting most of his fucking lines, I've kind of forgotten myself. So, Parrot, do you feel lucky? Come on, make my day!
PParrot
You fired six you big fat bastard!
[Eddie fires six rounds, shooting the parrot to pieces]
[Richie brings in a wheelbarrow containing spare Semtex]
(calling) Semtex! Ah...it's a heck of a smidgen, Eddie. Almost dislocated me shoulder twice wheeling it down the corrid-- [Richie unwinds the electric cable and quickly realizes that it was horribly tangled] Who fucked up with this bloody thing!? BASTARDS!!! I'm on the fucking television as well!
Right, that's it. I'm getting me beret and dark glasses on and getting on a ferry to Belgium.
[Eddie mockingly turns away from the audience]
No, no, no!! It's alright, it's alright. The cunts didn't notice!
I don't believe it! We've won the Lottery!
[returns through the window] We've what?
Oh you're back are you? Oh yes, one sniff of ginger and your knickers are around your ankles.
Still talking bollocks, that's my twat.
[pats Richie on the back]
Is it? What's it doing on my back? It'll make it all sticky!
Did I hear you say "We've won the Lottery"?
Yes-yes! We've bloody-blimey, trousery-bra-ry, won the ruddy, flipping, nippley Lottery!
The "Hammersmith Bugle" Lottery?
Yeah! Go on; phone them up, check the numbers! Oh God, I can't believe it, we've won the Lottery! [Eddie walks off to the phone and makes the call whilst Richie continues...] I wonder how much it is this week. [masturbates the ceiling post] Eighteen million? Twenty million? [realises what he is doing and stops] Shit! What will I do? What will I do?! I've got it: I'm going to employ a prositute. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do-oo it! I don't believe it; my wildest dream come true!
A-ha! [hangs up the phone]
Well Eddie, what's the rollover Jackpot figure for this week?
ONE BLODDY PPppppp... pound?
Yes, you see the flaw in our fiendish masterplan was that being the only people who read, or have ever read, the Hammersmith Bugle, we were of course the only people who bought a fucking Lottery ticket(!)
...ish. Yeah, you see after admin costs and a "donation to charity", we actually come out with 5p. And we've just spent 10p on the phonecall finding that out.
So having won, we're now 5 pence down on the deal?
That's correct, yes. Well done.
Well, it's a result Eddie!
Yes! Yes! Yes, it's... it's a crap result!
What were the charges again?
Attempted asphyxiation of the population of West London, detonating 400lbs of Semtex in contravention of the Anti-Terrorist act. Attempted regicide, Arson, causing an affray and... wiggling our todgers at the Queen.
So, its a first offense. I mean talk about Draconian!
I can't, I dunno what it means.
(Richie taunts an apparently unconscious Eddie)
Poor, Eddie - raped to death! Raped to death and then cast aside like some soggy tissue... Good! I hope they ruddy well hurt you up the garden path area, you little shit! You little monkey prick!... Bat shit features! No, I've got a really sweary one... Michael Portillo...(Eddie suddenly and unexpectedly punches Richie in the groin) AAAARRRRGGGH! My knob! MY KNOB! I THINK IT SNAPPED!
Hey, my Great Uncle was in the Great War.
What do mean 'Great War', there aren't any great wars, they were all frightful.
Alright then he was in the crap war!
Wow! The crap war! Far out! Which side was he on?
Well it depended on which direction he was facing at the time y'know. Had a little bit of a drink problem. He took out a machine-gun nest single-handly you know!
Yeah...But they made him bring it back, he was trying to flog it to the Germans
Hey, wasn't he the last bloke shot before the Armistice?
Yes, that's right. Just firing off a few rounds in celebration but... stupid twat had his gun the wrong way round. Oh, they don't make 'em like Great Uncle Susan any more.
That's marvellous stuff Eddie, but... what the fuck's it got to do with anything?
Yes, I know it's gas. I'm not a complete tosser.
Well, I am a complete tosser, yes, but what d'you mean?
Yes. Brambles. So, one bush or two?
God, it's just sex-sex-sex with you, isn't it?
What do you mean, I was just asking you to repeat the question!
No you weren't! You were accusing me of accusing you of having three pubic thatches!!
Just now you very well know, Lord Haw Haw! Honestly, I work my aching fingers to the bone to pep up your diet, and insert some jazz into your food!
(Deliberately) I beg your pardon!
No, no! I just didn't hear what you said very well.
Not true. Not true at all! You were accusing me of deliberately masturbating into your breakfast!
(Eddie looks agape, as Richie descends into paranoia)
Why are you doing this? Why? Wh-hy? Wh-h-h-hy? You're trying to send me mad, aren't you? Yes! You're trying to send me round the twist. Your're trying to make me lose the plot.
Oh, we've got a plot this year, have we? (audience laughs)
Very much so, young man. (starts corpsing) it's just-well-not-very well-fuck.
