Eddie quotes from Bottom

Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold".

Harold?

Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog!

Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we!

No, we didn't. That's why we had to eat his dog.

What about "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"?

We haven't got a donkey.

Well, "Pin the Tail on the Chicken"

We haven't got a tail.

Oh. Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Chicken"?

We haven't got a chicken.

(Annoyed) Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Fridge".

Or a pin.

(Angrier) "Sellotape a Sausage to the Fridge"!

We haven't got a sausage!

(shouting) "Put a Bit of Sellotape on the Fridge"!

(Beat) It's not much of a game, is it?

Who won?

Ha ha ha ha. Eddie, it matters not who won or lost, but how you play the game.

Oh, you mean I won? Ha! Ha-ha. [wets his finger, draws a figure 1 in the air, waves his hands in the air]

Yes, I suppose so, yeah, I mean if it's so important to you, yes. Yes, you did win. I mean for Heaven's sake, Eddie, it's only a game! [walking away, to himself] Shit, shit, VD, VD, VD!

Molière! Molière! Oh, he could bash out a tune or two. [To a tune from The Four Seasons] Tum-tum tiddly-tum tum-tum-tum, tum – and the other twiddly bits. He was Scottish you know.

Who, Vivaldi?

No Eddie, I'm talking about composers. Honestly, it's football, football, football with you, isn't it?

Right, let me get this sorted out. Now the bent vicar stands next to the queen. And the queen goes in every direction.

That's right.

[looking disgusted] And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights taking prawns? And apparently, if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen!

Eddie, do you want to be skinned alive and buggered?

(Pointing handgun at Richie) I'd like to see you try!

Eddie, how did you get this drunk on one pound seventy-five?

There's a sale on at the chemists. Old Spice... 25p a bottle.

I think there's someone in the drawing-room.

The what-room?

The drawing-room.

I don't think I've been in there. What, you mean we've got a room just for drawing in?

You're so common, aren't you? What do you call it, the snug or the saloon or something?

Oh, the lounge!

That's it! Yes, the laaunge! There's someone down in the laaunge!

She left me on the doorstep, just me, the carry-cot, and this old revolver. Oh, and a little note that said, "Please look after my baby. I can't be bothered." She was a wonderful mother.

How do you know?

I saw the article in the Police Gazette.

So, ah, what did you do then?

Well, I'd rather not talk about it.

Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you, eh?

Quite the opposite, actually.

What, you sucked water in through your eyes?

No. I took Harrison's Point single-handed.

Oooh. That can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?

I don't know, this is all a load of bollocks.

Right, how much for this carved wooden leg?

Now, there's a nice bit of objet d'art! Must be worth at least two and a half grand.

Oh!

I'll give you one pound fifty for it.

Let's haggle.

All right, a quid.

No, let's haggle upwards.

All right, 50p!

Blimey, they don't call you "Harry the Bastard" for nothing, do they?

No, they call me Ted!

Five hundred quid, on the nose, on Sad Ken if you please.

Certainly. Would you like to pay tax?

Of course I wouldn't. What a ridiculous question!

Right, quick, into the lavs! (toilets)

Richie, no! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make 500 quid that fast... you'll be lucky to get 10p a go!

My Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say?

What?

"AAAH! Bloody hell! Germans! Thousands of 'em! There all going shoot me! AAAAH! Mummy, I want to go home! AAAAHHH! AAHHH! AAHHH!."

(While slapping Eddie): Eddie, Shut up! Just shut up! Shut up!

Right now look, there's only five hours until lunch, I've got to get my sprouts on. Don't want them all crunchy.

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.

Oh, will you stop whinging Eddie! Nobody likes sprouts!

Then why are we having them then!?

Because it's Christmas!!