Richie quotes from Bottom

What was your name again?

Spudgun

Spudgun.

Spudgun? Why do they call you Spudgun?

Spudgun

Give me a potato and I'll show you why.

No Richie, you don't want to see that.

Well, why do they call you hedgehog?

Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why.

What was it Shakespeare used to say?

Err...‏ “Hello my dear, I’m a playwright you know. Go on, give us a snog.”

No, no…

Uh, “Where’s my quill! Bloody hell, I bought five yesterday! Where do they all go?”

No, really, what was it he used to say?

“What do you mean, it’s crap! There’s eight bodies at the end and he gets to shag his Mum!”

Right, well, ah, let’s have a look at your forms then, shall we? All right. Oh, I see – you want someone homely, with cooking skills, fun to be with… and a whazzo pair of jugs?

That’s right.

But obviously we’re flexible.

Ah, but not about the jugs.

No, we have to be firm on the jugs.

And the jugs have to be very firm.

(pointing to the television) Can you see alright?

(confused) No, that’s why I wear glasses.

I have excellent eyesight. Which is remarkable when you think about it.

I really think this is the one, Eddie. Even on the telephone there was an immediate sexual tension.

What, you mean you felt horny and she felt tense?

Oh, shut up Eddie.

Err right. "Ironmonger", six letters. Oh, got it! "Harold".

Harold?

Yeah, well he's an ironmonger, isn't he? Harold the Ironmonger, remember? We ate his dog!

Oh right, we bloody won that bet, didn't we!

No, we didn't. That's why we had to eat his dog.

What about "Pin the Tail on the Donkey"?

We haven't got a donkey.

Well, "Pin the Tail on the Chicken"

We haven't got a tail.

Oh. Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Chicken"?

We haven't got a chicken.

(Annoyed) Well, "Pin the Sausage on the Fridge".

Or a pin.

(Angrier) "Sellotape a Sausage to the Fridge"!

We haven't got a sausage!

(shouting) "Put a Bit of Sellotape on the Fridge"!

(Beat) It's not much of a game, is it?

Who won?

Ha ha ha ha. Eddie, it matters not who won or lost, but how you play the game.

Oh, you mean I won? Ha! Ha-ha. [wets his finger, draws a figure 1 in the air, waves his hands in the air]

Yes, I suppose so, yeah, I mean if it's so important to you, yes. Yes, you did win. I mean for Heaven's sake, Eddie, it's only a game! [walking away, to himself] Shit, shit, VD, VD, VD!

Molière! Molière! Oh, he could bash out a tune or two. [To a tune from The Four Seasons] Tum-tum tiddly-tum tum-tum-tum, tum – and the other twiddly bits. He was Scottish you know.

Who, Vivaldi?

No Eddie, I'm talking about composers. Honestly, it's football, football, football with you, isn't it?

Right, let me get this sorted out. Now the bent vicar stands next to the queen. And the queen goes in every direction.

That's right.

[looking disgusted] And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights taking prawns? And apparently, if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen!

Eddie, do you want to be skinned alive and buggered?

(Pointing handgun at Richie) I'd like to see you try!

Eddie, how did you get this drunk on one pound seventy-five?

There's a sale on at the chemists. Old Spice... 25p a bottle.

I think there's someone in the drawing-room.

The what-room?

The drawing-room.

I don't think I've been in there. What, you mean we've got a room just for drawing in?

You're so common, aren't you? What do you call it, the snug or the saloon or something?

Oh, the lounge!

That's it! Yes, the laaunge! There's someone down in the laaunge!

She left me on the doorstep, just me, the carry-cot, and this old revolver. Oh, and a little note that said, "Please look after my baby. I can't be bothered." She was a wonderful mother.

How do you know?

I saw the article in the Police Gazette.

Yeah, I was in Two Para.

What, you went twice?

What regiment was you in then?

Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?

No, what outfit was you in?

Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage!