Richie quotes from Bottom

So, ah, what did you do then?

Well, I'd rather not talk about it.

Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you, eh?

Quite the opposite, actually.

What, you sucked water in through your eyes?

No. I took Harrison's Point single-handed.

Oooh. That can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?

I don't know, this is all a load of bollocks.

You'll have to excuse Eddie, his mind's sort of blanked it out.

What, 'cos it's so horrible?

No, he's just got that sort of mind.

Right, quick, into the lavs! (toilets)

Richie, no! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make 500 quid that fast... you'll be lucky to get 10p a go!

Have you ever read The Joy of Sex?

No, I don't read things like that.

Well that's okay, we can just look at the pictures!

My Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say?

What?

"AAAH! Bloody hell! Germans! Thousands of 'em! There all going shoot me! AAAAH! Mummy, I want to go home! AAAAHHH! AAHHH! AAHHH!."

(While slapping Eddie): Eddie, Shut up! Just shut up! Shut up!

Right now look, there's only five hours until lunch, I've got to get my sprouts on. Don't want them all crunchy.

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.

Oh, will you stop whinging Eddie! Nobody likes sprouts!

Then why are we having them then!?

Because it's Christmas!!

Now, Eddie. Crackers?

Yes. But it's never stopped me so far!

No, I mean have you got the crackers?

No, it's just the way my trousers hang.

Eddie, enough of the crackers jokes. I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull.

Well I've got one of those, but I'm not gonna stick it on the table!

Half past eight and aaalllsss crap!

Look, I have just got to get into my kitchen! Here's a can of spray snow, you make everything look Christmassy. I'll go and scrub my sprouts.

I thought you were gonna do some cooking?

Spudgun

I think his nappy needs changing.

What?

Yeah, go on Richie. I mean, you're his... mother.

Ah, come on, guys! This is the twentieth century, it's not fair!

Spudgun

But we are not worthy, oh holy one.

Yeah, yeah that's right, oh chosen thing.

Right, oh one... what he said.

What do you mean, "what he said"? I thought you were supposed to be a wise man!

Spudgun

Merry Christmas everyone.

Yes, Merry Christmas one and all! [Spudgun and Richie gulp their drinks down; Eddie throws his over his shoulder.]

What, is it Christmas? Today? Oh, Merry Christmas then. That must be why that woman gave me that after-shave this morning.

What woman?

Oh, you know, that old woman who keeps hanging around the place. You know Eddie, what's her name; my wife. Andrea. No no, Avril, that's it. No, what am I thinking of, Susan! That's the one!

What was that film where they ate each other?

Deep Throat, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah. (beat) That was great!

Hang on... this is Wimbledon Common isn't it?

Yes.

Hey, I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble.

Eddie, Wombles don't exist.

Oh, yes they do! I've seen them on the telly!

Eddie, would it scar you for life if I told you that they were just puppets?

Yes, it would.

Good. EDDIE, THEY WERE JUST PUPPETS!

I think there's something outside.

Well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.

You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie.

Well, I've had half a bottle of scotch, whaddya expect?

Well yes, I can see your point.

It's this new skirt, it rucks up very easily.

Hey, Richie! You know that Stork Margarine competition we entered?

Yeah!

We didn't win it.

What?! Well, who did?

Slip Digby.

Slip Digby? The organist?

That's not what they called him in court.

What was the winning caption?

"I like Stork Margarine because I've only got one leg".

(pause) Not bad

Clever, clever bastard.