Richie quotes from Bottom

You thorough and total wank biscuit!

Marooned! Maroooned! Marooooooooned! Oh, God I wish I had a thesaurus.

Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to fuck myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.

[Thinking Eddies has a woman hidden in the bathroom]: Ah...ah...ah ha. Have you got a woman in here? A woman in here?! That's against house rules. we agreed, you're not allowed any women in here unless you get one for me at the same time, so we can really "do" it. Like in my favorite video: "Noddy goes Lap-Dancing".

Just think, Eddie: if we go even further back in time, we could do some really old material! Just think: I might get erections again!

Eddie.... Eddie, come here! Come. Bloody. Here. (Eddie slowly walks towards Richie) I am going to swear at you! Don't be so sexy! DON'T! I'm going to swear at you, i'm jolly angry! Eddie, you.... BERK! You... FLIPPING NUISANCE! You stupid... effing... BUGGER! You bloody.... BUGGERING BASTARD BREAST-FACED BOLLOCK! YOU ARSEING... KNOBHEAD.... TIT-FACED.... FUCKING..... TWAT!

Oh, fuck the monologue! I'll go for a nasty!

And as we always say at the Guest House Paradiso: Have fun, don't go in the water if you know what's good for you, and try not to get shit on the sheets.

Oh, nadgers. What kind do you want?

Rubber ones.

Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's tickler, and there's ultrasensitive.

Ripped? Who's going to want a ripped condom?

Must be for people who want to get pregnant. Well I don't think ultrasensitive is our style, do you? The tickler it is. Oh, nadgers. What colour?

What have they got?

There's black, gold, Union Jack and leopard skin. Which do you think's the most romantic?

Well Union Jack, obviously!

Right, a union jack tickler it is. Oh, nadgers. What flavour?

Flavour?!

Yeah, there's chocolate, strawberry, marmite and cheese and onion.

Well everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they?

Of course they do. A cheese and onion union jack tickler it is. Bagsy me first go with it.

No no, get two.

Wild man!

Let's just be economical with the truth. Erm, something buck... yeah, hot young buck.

What about badger?

No, no, I'm more a sort of...

HEDGEHOG!

No, fox. That's good. No, that is good!

What about Stoat!

Foxy Stoat? Yeah. It’s got a ring it to it! Foxy stoat seeks...

Pig!

Foxy Stoat Seeks Pig! (gasps) SHUT UP, EDDIE!

Minky, musky, sly ole foxy stoaty stoat..

What on EARTH are you eating?

Lard.

You are eating... lard?

Yeah well I'm hungry, but I'm too drunk to cook.

I've just had a fantastic idea.

Well?

What?

What's the fantastic idea?

To drink that! I'm only joking! Why not put an ad in the lonely hearts column?

Yeah!

Yeah, yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description."

Alright, I'm coming! Alright, alright! Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales? (Opens the door and slightly strikes the Gasman) Right, that's enough of that! That's my electricity, you know. I'm not the Aga Khan! Cripes! It's the gasman!

Hello, I was wondering if I could just read your meter.

HELLO MISTER GASMAN!

Yes, hello.

[Poking his head out into the landing] You what?

HELLO MISTER GASMAN!! [stops looking at Eddie and points his eye directly in front of him]

Yes, hello again. I wonder if could just read.....

Mister who?

GASMAN! GASMAN! GASMAN!

DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE WHO LOOKS AFTER YOU? COULD I SEE THEM BECAUSE I NEED TO READ YOUR METER!

Who is it, darling?

IT'S THE GASMAN!

Yes I think we've established that.

Well don't leave him out in the cold, dreamboat. Show him in.

You're not going anywhere, mate. ....mate? Eddie! You've killed him!

[*drops frying pan*] I never touched him.

Yeah, but the frying pan did and you were touching that at the time.

Bollocks, you killed him, he was dead before he hit the ground!

Then why'd you keep hitting him with the frying pan?!

For fun!

Oh God! What are we going to do?!

About 25 years, I think.

Bloody Nora!

Shut up!

They're having it off!

I'll be right over!