A character in Bottom
Richie
Bottom · 180 quotes
Most-quoted character in Bottom: in 151 of its 180 quotes
Most scenes with: Eddie (124), Spudgun (6), Hedgehog (4)
Where's the bar?
There's no bar!
WHAT!? No bar!? What the fuck happened there!? Wh...Wh-what the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there!? What! The! Fuck! Happened there!? What the fuck fuck fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck fuck fuck fucking happened there!? Fuck!!
Language!
English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!
Now...what other options have we got left? Let's just try and explore our parameters.
You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit, there's no corners to hide in!
Eddie! Just a little bit. Just a little touchy touchy, it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch... fucking homo! Okay look, look look look look, forget that...why don't we just try and get out through the holes we came in by?
I don't think my mother would be too pleased.
Before you go say something nice.
Breasts!
No.
Lager!
No, something else.
I'm sorry Rich, but breasts and lager are the only nice things I know.
Come on Eddie, think of the money!
Money?! Are... Are you getting paid?
No. No, no, no, I don't get paid. It's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?
I knew I should have fixed those brakes.
What did you say?
I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.
That's the one. He's getting far too old to play me with any conviction.
Who's that awful actor who plays you?
Oh I know he's got a girl's name, is it Julie Goodyear? It's not that ginger haired cunt is it?
Who? Chris Evans?
Yeah.
No, it can't be. Anyway it's not you, it's him! You are a very good little character.
So let me get this right, so we aren't in some dark, godless void on the outer edges of human misery?
No no, we're in Nottingham.
It's the same thing!
It's not our fault we've got such shitty actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.
I thought you did.
It was one of my great improvisations.
I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.
Yeah, it's not as bad, (corpsing) not as bad as... Oh, fuck!
[Audience cheers.]
It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?
What were you doing during the interval?
Go on, slidle over to the front and... sidle (laughs) slidle over to the front...
You want me slidle over to the front?
I often write while I'm on stage. It's a great new word I've invented "slidle".
Is it me?...
Eddie [Interrupting Richie]: Yes (Audience laughs)
Is it me?...
Yes, it is (Audience applauds)
Bad Eddie... (Pauses and starts again) Is it me-OR...
Richie (being asked questions for a pointless questionnaire): Action!
Weight!
Richie (enraged): Weight?! What are you implying? I live on Sweetex! I'm still wearing the same pair of trousers I was when I was 17!
Only because you've sewn the living room curtains into the waistband.
I could still pass for 17!
Stones! Now wait!
No. I refuse to answer! This is an outrage!
No! Wait there, while I get another pen! This one's fucked!
Well, I didn't do it! Do I look like a biro molester?!
Richie, have you seen my felt tip?
Richie (frantically): No, Eddie, no, I've never seen your felt tip. No, I've only seen you naked once. I fell straight into a coma and had to go to therapy for six years. Every time I think of you naked, I've had to close my eyes when I walk past a butcher's window. I shall never eat tripe again!
And... weight.
Richie (sighs): Put 'trim, alluring, snake-hipped...' Just describe me as you see me!
Alright, 'fat'.
You can't put that!
You're right. 'Very fat'.
Richie (trying to sway Eddie): Come on, Eddie... we've known each other for years!
Ohhhhhhhh, allllllllllllright. 'Very fat twat'.
Richie (annoyed): Let's just move on, shall we?
Alright, question 2: why won't you tell me how fat you are?
It doesn't say that!
Eddie (shows him the questionnaire): It does actually, look.
Oh, so it does. Ok, next question!
Why does everyone think you're a cunt?
(Richie buries his face in his hands)
They have... really hammered the nail on the head there! Why does everybody think I'm a cunt? It's a question that's always intrigued me! I'll have to speak to my people and get back to you on that! Ahem! (Realises) Eddie, why do you think I'm a cunt?
Richie [after hurting his hand hitting Eddie's testicles]: You bastard! That's my wanking hand!
Uh-uh; wanking finger.
Uh, uh uh; wanking fingernail.
Bloody hell! We are shooting back in time, faster than Posh Spice slaps on the fake tan!
Bloody hell!
That's fast!
Richie (as Rick from The Young Ones): Oh, really great and bwrilliant, Vyvyan! (Throws up a peace sign) Thatcher! Thatcher!
[Eddie clears his throat and pretends to do his hair in Vyvyan's style].
Eddie (as Vyvyan): Have you got a video? Virgin! Virgin! You complete and utter bastard, Neil! (Gives a two fingered salute.)
... You er... you haven't changed your material very much really, have you, Eddie?
(Laughing) Stick with what works, that's my motto.
Are you insane?!
No... I'm in fucking agony!
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