Richie quotes from Bottom

What sort of bloke?

Well, he was wearing a scuba-diving outfit, and had a pronounced French accent. I think he may have been a Frogman.

A what?

I'm afraid you heard correctly the first time. A Frogman. [to audience] Fuck off, you paid.

Aahh, paradise isn't it, Eddie? Beaches, palm trees, bam-BOO. Palm trees, beaches, bam-BOO. Sand, trees, bam-BOO... God, I'm bored. Bored, bloody bored.

We had a wank in the interval. That's what the interval is for. And I bet you had one too, didn't you? 'Cos you look like a wanker!

I think my theory holds water.

And what theory is that?

That our diet has got something to do with what we eat.

I thought it was your pants that had something to do with what you'd eat.

Well, you were the one who sawed the captain in half.

HE was a volunteer.

No, no, HE was trying to stop the show.

Well anyway, the trick worked brilliantly! We sawed him in half!

Yeah, I think the essence of the trick is in the joining back together.

Details, details. It's in the sawing where the real essence lies, and we accomplished that with panache.

No we didn't, we were hacking away at him for hours!

Oh, I'm gone, man, solid gone.

Eddie, will you stop this Disney shite? We're going to get sued to buggery quite apart from eaten to fuck!

Well it just goes to show there's no escape for us that way is there eddie? if we even think to take on the dangers of the-m-mighty pacific (pause and the audience cheer) Fish are fucking frisky tonight! if we even think of taking on the mighty pacific, we'd almost...(audience murmurs) I haven't finished yet! we'd almost certainly trip over a few little bits of wire... (waits for audiences response which is dismal)

Yeeeees...or get a papercut

Oh, Eddie!

And whenever you can't remember you go "OH, EDDIE!"

Oh, Eddie.

(turns to face Richie) Yes?

(panicking) oooooohhhh Eddie...oh, god...(relisation hits him)

(cutting off the audience) He probably hasn't got the right one.

......Fuck!

Behold the mighty Albatross! See it soar, watch it swoop...

Yes. Watch it circle, watch it loop-the-loop, watch it get the fucking prop man sacked!

That's lucky, that is!

What that you weren't standing here?

Well, I'm glad I can amuse you all in my own humble little way. Welcome to sophisticated fucking Bristol. (puts on a Bristol accent) "Ooh, it was fuckin' great, fuckin' seagull shat on 'is 'ead an' we all fuckin' pissed ourselves!"

Hello?

Hello!

No not you!

Maybe I wasn't replying to you.

So then, there really is someone else here?

Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Who is it?

Its me! Hello!

Look out Eddie, Ainsley Harriot is coming down here and he's strapping on a condom!

Quick, Get out of my way! I don't want to be in Ready Steady Fuck!

Where did you get them from?

I made them from a pair of washing up gloves. They are marigolds, and they were a little snug to get into. I also haven't been able to get the bastards off for three days. Also the thumb is stuck up my arse!

What was that thing he used to say?

Get off, Get off I'm not a sexual animal?

No, not that one the other thing?

Oi Richie get me another drink you overweight twat!

That's the one.

Is Dave attacking that Seagull?

Either that or he's shagging it.

No the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.

Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!

Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?

Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.

Eddie, think back what's the last thing you remember?

Oh I know this, it was you, it was you telling me to "Think back what's the last thing you remember?", it's all coming back to me.