Primetime wants you on during sweeps. They want you to eat Diane Sawyer.
S3 E4Fine Young Cannibal
You know the old joke, Alan? Man shows up at the Pearly Gates, sees this guy in a pin stripe suit, and a briefcase, a cigar, prancing about. He says to Saint Peter, 'who's that guy?' Saint Peter says 'ahhh, that's just God. Thinks he's Denny Crane.'
Denny, what would you do if you actually met God one day?
I'd probably take him fishing.
Indeed.
He'd probably want to wrestle me for Shirley.
Indeed again.
The dwarf fainted.
S3 E5Whose God Is It Anyway?
[closing statement] Ugh, please. It's a dumb freedom. An employee's behavior reflects on their employer, for God's sakes. In this case, we're talking about a business, a law firm, where clients look for good judgment, sound and sane counsel. This guy's running around talking about how humans evolved from a big clam after galactic warlords invaded our volcanoes. He's a nut-job. And I don't know about you, but I'm getting a little tired of this whole "freedom of religion" thing. I mean, when did religion get such a good name anyway? Be it the Crusades, the Reformation Genocides, the troubles in Northern Ireland, Middle East, mass slaughters in the name of Allah, as well as the obligatory reciprocal retribution. Hundreds of millions of people have died in religious conflicts. Hitler did his business in the name of his Creator. 9/11 was an act of religious extremism. It is, in fact, our greatest threat today -- a Holy Jihad. And if we're not ready to strip religion of its sacred cow status, why don't we at least scale back a bit on the constitutional dogma exalting it as all get-out?
SHSally Heep
Your Honor, I'd love to know what this has to with my client being fired.
Your client was fired because he entered into an at-will employment contract, he acted like a complete loon, and now he tries to cloak himself in a constitutional amendment that is as overplayed as it is misapplied. Everyone should get to believe in God. Pray to his God, worship his God -- of course. But to impose him on others, to victimize others in his name -- the Founding Fathers of this country set out to prevent persecution, not to license it. And for Jerry Espenson, struggling with his law practice to make ends meet, don't tell me he's not being victimized when one of his lawyers bounces around telling clients and other attorneys that according to his most recent electro-psycho-meter reading, he's getting closer to immortality, at which point he'll be able to leave his body and talk to zebras! At a certain point we have to say, "Enough with this 'freedom of religion' crap!" Yuck! Yuck! Yuck! [goes back to his seat] Yes, I know. I'll get letters.
DKDouglas Karnes
Christians believe that Jesus will come again. Are they all nuts?
Most.
S3 E6The Verdict
What are you looking for? Serious relationship?
Don't be silly... I'm already involved with you.
You're damn right!
S3 E8Lincoln
Are you okay?
It's just that ever since Daniel died, I... All I can think about is...
Yeah.
Sex. [Shirley looks startled] I walk down the street anything I pass in pants...I wanna have sex!
Oh.
I'm not kidding, Shirley. I wanna screw anybody and everybody. Denny Crane is looking good to me right now.
I must admit that the idea of a mother-daughter ménage à twaddle.
I think you mean trois.
Denny. Seen Shirley?
Why?
She was gonna meet me.
Why?
We had some business to discuss.
What sort of business?
The kind that wasn't yours, actually.
I told Alan, I'm telling you. Stay away from Shirley.
RRenee
She loved me.
Well, you made her laugh.
RRenee
I'm funny.
Are you telling me this handwritten will is valid?
SShelby
Completely. It turns out Ms. Winger is also a lawyer.
RRenee
The plot thickens.
When you came here I made one request, Jeffrey. One simple request, "Don't step on toes." Silly me for not adding, "Don't punch jaws."
Bit of a weak stream you got going there. Get your prostate checked?
BBrad
What did you say to me?
Never mind.
BBrad
So what? You're gonna make fun of my flow now?
I'm sorry. It just seems a little lackluster. I would think a Marine would be a little more 'Hup To'. You gonna hit me, Brad?
BBrad
Oh, you'd just love that, wouldn't you? For me to sink to your level.
[to Claire] You said I'd like him. He's an attention-starved wacko fairy. He couldn't kill anyone.
I heard that! I'm getting tired of you, Large Marge. You remind me of Mr. Dirty Mouth. That's what you do.
Excuse me. [drags Alan away] I just wanted to tell you that what you said to me last night was truly...disgusting.
Hm. And I assure you, Denise, I'm a man of my word.
Denise, you've always struck me as a woman who secretly longs to be debased. It's an awfully big job. But I feel I'm just the man to... do it.
Don't stop. I'm curious to see just how low you'll go.
All the way down. Again. And again. I see the filthy, naughty girl deep inside you, Denise, longing to get out. Now, if you're so unwilling to let her out, perhaps I should go in after her. I brought my snorkel.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Boston Legal pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.