[We cut to hallway outside the throne room where Edmund's mother, Queen Gertrude, is talking with Countess Celia]
CCCountess Celia
You must be so looking forward to the king's return, Your Majesty.
CCCountess Celia
"No", milady? But think, he will come to your chamber and make mad, passionate love to you!
Yes, I wish he wouldn't do that. Very difficult to sleep with that kind of thing going on. Being used all night long like the outside of a sausage roll.
CCCountess Celia
Still, there's the Saint Leonard's Day celebrations to look forward to. The jesters, the jugglers...
The great brown ox, steaming and smoldering all night long.
CCCountess Celia
Oh yes, the feast!
Sorry? No, I was thinking of something else.
CCCountess Celia
I do hope they've got the Morris dancers. I love them!
CCCountess Celia
Oh yes, the eunuchs! I wish I owned one.
[We cut to Edmund's bedroom where Baldrick is in a dress and wig, twirling around in front of Percy, who nodded. Then Edmund enters in anger]
I'm gonna kill him, and I'm gonna kill him now!
That stinking Scottish weasel!
Because he's a thieving stinking Scottish weasel, that's why! [goes to get a knife]
In the Great Hall and in the bladder! [begins to sharpen a knife]
But if you do it in front of everybody, won't they suspect something?
Ah, yes, a drawback. Yes...Perhaps we need something a little more cunning.
Yes, perhaps, but I think I may have a more cunning one.
Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord.
Yes, but not cunning enough, I imagine.
Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord.
Well, pretty damn cunning. How cunning do you think I mean?
Well, mine's quite cunning, My Lord.
[fed up] Alright, then, let's hear it! Let's hear what's so damn cunning!
Right, well, first of all, you get him to come with you–
[sarcastically] Oh yes, very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come with me and then-then stab him, perhaps. How cunning can you get?
No, My Lord. You get this enormous great cannon–
[as though the idea is ridiculous] Oh, I see, I take him outside, get him to stick his head down a cannon and then blow it off.
[simultaneously] Blow it off! Yeah!
Oh, yes, Baldrick, that's [thinks about it] ...that's a wonderful idea. [looking at the paper] No. I think I have a plan that will give us a little more...entertainment. [laughs]
[Then they hear a noise outside. Edmund looks out the window, and saw McAngus leaving. Then he leaves his room to follow him]
[Edmund goes outside, and finds a woman riding a horse, sidesaddle. He bows to her, then grabs her feet and pushes her off the mount. He then follows McAngus, who is out for a hunt. Edmund sneaks up behind, but gets caught in one of McAngus' animal snare traps]
Dougal McAngus: [without looking] Can I help you?
Um, no, no. I'm fine, thank you.
[Long pause]
I'm not in your way over here, am I?
Oh, there is just, er, one thing. Um...I was wondering if you could do me a little favor.
[finally stands up and turns to Edmund] Uh-huh?
Erm, I was wondering if you'd like to help with the celebrations tonight.
How? By stayin' away, do you mean?
[Edmund chuckles a bit, but then starts to scream as McAngus raises an axe. McAngus chops Edmund's bindings; Edmund falls to the forest floor, and remains lying there, trying to look casual]
Erm, well, the thing is: um, we were hoping to present a mystery play by one of our leading Thespianic troupes, erm, but, unfortunately, one of their number is ill, erm, and I thought you'd be the perfect person to [standing up] ...to take his place.
Well, I warn you; [swipes down at the ground, killing a badger] I'm no actor.
Well, there shouldn't be much acting required. [McAngus tosses the badger's corpse aside] Erm, it's an ancient Egyptian piece, er, called "The Death of the Scotsman".
I'll have a crack at it. [throws a knife at a creature, which screams]
You...You could play the Scotsman, if you like, who...who dies at the end of the play.
Oh! Acting dead! Now that I can do. [walks off]
Yes, well, as I say: there...there may not be much acting required. [grins evilly to himself, then walks off]
[off-screen] Oh, and er, mind the weasel pit.
[Later, McAngus shows the letters to Edmund, who laughs triumphantly]
Good, excellent! It's certainly my mother's handwriting. When did you say these were written?
The year my brother was born... [laughs] Baldrick, get in here! [Baldrick enters] Baldrick, get out there and tell everyone that the rest of the entertainments have been cancelled.
"Why"? Because I told you to, you silly little rat!
No, why have they been cancelled, My Lord?
Oh, I see. Well, tell them I have a very important announcement to make. [laughs]
Does that mean I have to take the dress off?
Oh, get out, get out, get out! Out, out, out, out!
[As Baldrick left, McAngus reaches between Baldrick's legs from behind]
You know, if you played your cards right, you could become King.
Ah, sooner than you think, maybe. The last time I saw your father, he'd just charged into Constantinople when they shut the gates on him.
Aye. Ten thousand of the Turks were there armed with scimitars, and your father with a small knife for peelin' fruit.
[Edmund can barely contain himself, covering his mouth as he giggles]
[We dissolve to room outside the throne room. King is looking out the window, bored]
We're all terribly pleased you're back, Father.
I'm not. I miss the smell of blood in my nostrils, and the queen's 'got a headache'.
Oh dear. But we do have a fascinating week ahead. In fact, the Archbishop of York has asked me if you'd care to join his formation Italian dance class, and I really ought to give him an answer.
Do you want me to be honest or tactful?
Has the little hooligan McAngus left?
No, Edmund's giving him a last look round the castle now.
[We cut to outside at the top of the castle, and Edmund shows McAngus the view from an archer's battlement, then turns away]
...While this... [shows McAngus a cannon]
[We cut back to the King and Harry]
[to Harry] Well, I'll be sorry to see him go.
[We cut back to the roof]
[with his head down the mouth of the cannon] Och, very interestin'. [Edmund moves to behind the cannon]
[Back inside]
[to his father] Yes, and so will Edmund. They've become firm friends.
[Then a very loud sound is heard from outside]
Father! Harry! There's been rather a messy accident. You must come quickly!
Oh my God! I shall need my plunger! [rushs out, followed by the King]
[Edmund jumps for joy as the end credits start]
England, November, 1487. The battle between the church and the crown continues to rage, and the Duke of Winchester, the greatest landowner in England, is dying.
[The Duke of Winchester is on his deathbed, and both King Richard IV and Godfrey, the Archbishop of Canterbury, are by his side with ready-made wills]
DWDuke of Winchester
Dying, my lords? Am I dying?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Never.
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Yet, my son, to pass away the idle hours until your recovery- [the Duke moans in pain] Let us imagine you yourself were to pass away. To whom would you leave your lands?
DWDuke of Winchester
Yes. To my beloved king.
AGArchbishop Godfrey
May your filthy soul be prepared for Hell, my son.
DWDuke of Winchester
Hell?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Yes, Hell, where Satan belches fire and enormous devils break wind night and day. Hell, where your mind is never free from the torments of remorse, and your bottom never free from the pricking of little forks.
DWDuke of Winchester
No! Spare me the little forks!
[confused] What is this nonsense?
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Hell, where the softest parts of your nether regions are everybody else's favorite lunch.
DWDuke of Winchester
Oh, Christ! [to King Richard] Forgive me, Sire. I must change my will and leave my land to the Church.
AGArchbishop Godfrey
Blessed be thy stainless soul.
[to Duke] Ah, you will change your mind later. I know it.
[With a final, weak moan, the Duke dies]
AGArchbishop Godfrey
[smugly] I think not.
[King Richard IV, enraged, looks around and sees one of his men standing in the room, wearing a helmet with a spike coming out the top]
[Opening theme]
[That night, Edmund, Percy and Baldrick sit before a fire]
Who do you think will take over?
Oh, I don't know. It'll be one of the bishop fellows, I should imagine. They tend to go for religious types.
Rumor has it, my lord, that the King wants to choose Prince Harry.
[not paying much attention to Baldrick] Oh really?
[driving home the point] Prince Harry, Archbishop, my lord...?
[perked up] Good lord! Prince Harry, Archbishop! And we all know what happens to Archbishops, don't we?
Yes! They go to Canterbury.
No no no no no no no! [makes a quacking noise as he runs his finger across his throat]
Oh yes! [makes the same sound and gesture; he and Edmund laugh]
Are you sure about your source, Baldrick?
Yeah, it was Jane Smart. You know, she was the one who told me about the Duchess of Kent and the chocolate chastity belt.
Oh yes! She's quite reliable! Well! With Harry gone, [all three do throat-cutting finger gestures; Edmund stands, they do too] the Black Adder will be...
PBPercy and Baldrick
King!...Next.
Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far. Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremonies.
[bows] Certainly, my lord. Hat, my lord?
...And codpiece, my lord?
Well, let's go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy! [laughs ridiculously]
[We cut to the court where Edmund wears a ridiculous metal helmet, an enormous protruding black codpiece, and pointed black boots with little chains going from the calves to the toes]
Have you heard any more good rumors, Baldrick?
Not really, my lord. Apparently Lord Wilders is keeping a sheep in his bedroom, but nothing on the appointment, no.
[Edmund looked over at some clergymen and smiled. They stared at his codpiece, almost in fright. The Queen arrived]
[disgusted] What are you doing dressed like this, Edmund?
Well, this enormous nonsense here! [taps his codpiece with a boing sound effect, and walks away. Harry sees this and shakes his head. Then fanfare begins]
[to his friends] Fingers crossed...
Members of the Court and, uh, Clergy: I have, at last, after careful consultation with the Lord God; His Son, Jesus Christ; and His Insubstantial Friend, the Holy Ghost, decided upon the next Archbishop. [there is a murmuring among those gathered] May he last longer in his post than his predecessors.
[to his friends] Fat chance!
I appoint, to the Holy See of Canterbury, my own son... [Baldrick and Percy are very excited; Edmund points toward Harry]...Edwin, Duke of Edinburgh! [Edmund is terrified] Archbishop, we salute thee.
[Everyone kneels before Edmund, except Percy]
[shakes hands with Edmund] Congratulations, my lord!
[Edmund shakes him free before Percy kneels. The clergymen, kneeling, are face-to-codpiece with Edmund. He put his hands over it, but it's too large to conceal. He takes one of the clergymen's hats and hangs it on the codpiece. He then turns around and nearly hit Baldrick in the face with the codpiece]
[We cut to the main hall where the King is playing arm wrestling with Harry]
Keep going, keep going. Use both hands! [Harry does so] Very good, very good... [Harry loses] Well done, well done, Harry. [there's a knock at the door] Enter!
[enters, bowing repeatedly, and continuing throughout the scene] Your Majesty.
Um, there were just a couple of points, um, about my appointment, um, before things really firmed up.
Oh, fine. [backs up several paces] And, er, secondly-
Don't be mistaken about this appointment, Edward. I've always despised you!
Well, you are my father. I mean, you're biased.
You, compared to your beloved brother, Harry, are as excrement compared to cream!
Oh, my lord, you flatter me!
So now, my boy, when I've at last found a use for you, don't try to get out of it!
Oh no, no, no, no, no! I just thought someone else, someone equally weak-willed and feeble-
Of course not. Or perhaps someone who believed in God-
No, no, no! If I needed someone who believed in God, I'd have chosen Harry! Not an embarrassing little weed like you.
Oh, well, I think that's everything cleared up. Goodness, it must be almost time for evensong. Must be going.
[calmly] Egbert... [Edmund tries to pretend not to hear] Come here. [Edmund does so. He bows repeatedly, and begin to kiss Richard's hand, until he grabs him] A word of advice: if you cross me now, or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites.
I don't think that's a very good idea.
Well, I shall make myself available for all eventualities. Thank you so much. [steps backwards, bowing repeatedly, and bumps into a set of drawers. Then he adjusts his movements, and he backs out into an open hallway. He turns] Flee!
[We dissolve to outside the castle where Edmund is getting ready for his escape. He stands at the back of a large cart]
We've got the thumbscrews, the foot-crusher, the nose-hooks, those long rods you [he moves his fist as though he's holding a rod vertically] ram around, er...Oh! Where's the dwarf?
DDwarf
[a cloth moves as he pushes from behind it] Here, my lord.
[The King, Harry and a warrior appear in the doorway]
[stepping forward slowly] Umm, yes...
[smiles] Good, good! Harry here will accompany you. I would hate to see you murdered before your investiture. Chiswick! Fresh horses! [he and the warrior leave]
[comes from around the cart] My lord, if we're going to catch the boat to France, you'll have to hurry.
[confused] Um, boat to France?
Um, you off to France, Percy?
[confused] I thought we all were.
No, no, uh, Harry and I are off to Canterbury, aren't we, Harry?
[understands] Oh, I see. You've changed your plan.
No, no, not really. The only change is if you could go and put your face in some manure, and the keep a reasonable distance. That'll be fine. Harry...?
[Later, Harry and Edmund are riding on the horses]
...And another thing that bothers me, Your Grace: suppose my right hand offends me, and I cut it off, well, what if my left hand offends me as well? I mean, what do I cut it off with?
Er, yes, yes, that is a knotty one...
[They ride on, the cart is being pulled by Baldrick and Percy. Percy's face is covered with manure. They pass by a pair of peasants]
P1Peasant 1
Here; who was that?
P2Peasant 2
I don't know. But that tall fellow, he had a face full of manure.
P1Peasant 1
Now that's what I call style.
[Canterbury...Edmund's investiture; presiding is Herbert, the temporary Archbishop of Canterbury]
HHerbert
Do you, Edmund, Duke of Edinburgh, believe in God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Ghost?
[looks around; the King mouths "Yes!" to him] Um, yes.
HHerbert
I then name thee Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of all England. [places the hat on Edmund's head]
[Edmund sneezes as a result of the incense, and blows his nose into his robe. He walks down the aisle, swinging the incense holder far too hard, knocking over the people standing along the aisle, until finally it slips from his hand and flies across the church]
His investiture over, Archbishop Edmund the Unwilling swiftly adopted the ways of the cloth. But ever the shadow of his father's threat hung over him, until, at last, one day...
[Edmund and Baldrick are walking outside]
Tell me, Brother Baldrick, exactly what did God do to the Sodomites?
I don't know, My Lord, but I can't imagine it was worse than what they used to do to each other.
[Suddenly, an armored man delivers a scroll to Edmund]
Oh my God, this is it! Baldrick, go and get my Lord Bishop of Ramsgate!
Get Percy! Get Percy! [sees the spikes on the man's helmet] My life is hanging by a thread!
[He, Percy and Baldrick set out on horseback]
[Two knights on horseback rides down a lane, past the same peasants from before]
P1Peasant 1
Looks like the kind of pair who would kill the Archbishop of Canterbury to me.
[In castle dining room, the Queen is eating at one end of a long table, and looks up as she hears her husband's voice as he and Harry spar]
DIE, YOU TURKISH DOG!!! [the King forces Harry to the table] YOU TURKISH PIG!!!
[realizes] Oh, yes, of course. Sorry, Harry. You're improving.
Yes, well, thank you, Father. [turns to Queen] Good night, Mother. [leaves]
He's gaining on me. He's gaining on me! [goes to the other end of the long table]
Oh, well, well, very well. [picks up a piece of meat, smells it, then calls out] Chiswick, fresh horse! [tosses the meat over his shoulder]
And how are his dear little sheep?
[A couple of men bring in a huge platter with half a horse's body with legs, cooked, on it]
Well, the ones at Canterbury, his flock that he was talking about.
[tears off a whole leg from the horse; rolls his eyes and mutters at his wife's comment] Oh my god...
[Two knights ride up to the castle]
I can't understand it; Edmund doesn't even like religion.
[chewing the horse leg] That's impossible; he's the Archbishop of Canterbury!
Yes, and the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a naughty little boy, whose bottom I had to smack for relieving himself in the font.
[using his sword to pick and take some bread from the table] But that was a long time ago.
[The King then laughs and spats out some food. Meanwhile, the knights have ridden into the castle]
[stands, approaching the Queen] Well, the boy's turned out well. [as a toast] A long and healthy life to him! [smacks his giant cup against the Queen's wine goblet, which breaks. He drinks and goes back to his seat] I thank God that in my lifetime never again shall I have to say, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[Two knights finally park their horses]
Oh, it's something that my ancestor Henry II once said when he having trouble with Thomas á Becket. He was sitting at a table like this with two drunken knights, and he yelled out, "Who will rid me of this turbulent priest?"
[The two knights make their way inside]
Queen Gertrude: [confused] Er, what?
[in his sotto voce] God, save us. [the knights finally make it to the doorway of the dining room as he shouts] I said, "WHO WILL RID ME OF THIS TURBULENT PRIEST?"
[The knights look at each other]
The Archbishop of Canterbury, of course!
[The knights look at each other again with confusion, nod, and leave]
Well, they went straight off and killed him, of course!
[The knights leave the castle]
