Tell me, Bishop, supposing I was to say something like "I'm a close friend of the Queen's, and I think she would be very interested to hear about you and Molly and the wimple, so why don't we just call it quits, eh, Fatso?"
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
I would say, firstly, the Queen would not believe you, and secondly, [pulls out a poker, its end glowing red hot] you'll regret calling me 'Fatso' later today!
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
I will have my money by Evensong tonight, or...YOUR BOTTOM WILL WISH IT HAD NEVER BEEN BORN!!!
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
The time has come, Blackadder!
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
The Black Monks will have their money, or I will have my fun.
You enjoy your work, don't you?
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
Bits of it, yes.
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
Yes. [starts massaging Blackadder's shoulders] You see, I am a colossal pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me. Animal, vegetable or mineral, I'll do anything to anything.
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
Have you got the money?
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
Good, I hate it when people pay up. Say your prayers, Blackadder [pulls out his red-hot poker] IT'S POKER TIME!!!
Fine. Are you ever concerned that people might find you out?
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
No, no. I kill, I maim, I fornicate, but as far as my flock is concerned, my only vice is a little tipple before Evensong. [Baldrick offers him a goblet of wine] Oh, thank you. [drinks from the offered goblet and then turns back to Blackadder] Bend over, Blackadder! This where you get... [chokes and clutches at his throat] Drugged! By God...!
No, by Baldrick, actually, but the effect is much the same.
[On the painting Blackadder had made to blackmail the Bishop of Bath and Wells]
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
By the horns of Beelzebub, how did you get me into that position?!
It's beautifully framed, don't you think? Which is ironic, really, because that's exactly what's happened to you.
BBBishop of Bath and Wells
You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the church?!
No, I could never get used to the underwear. What I could use, though, is, say, eleven-hundred pounds to buy back my house, four thousand pounds to cover some sundry expenses, ten shillings for the two doors and thruppence for a celebratory slap-up binge at Mrs Miggins' Pie Shop.
Blackadder · 193 quotes
