Doctor Johnson quotes from Blackadder

So, Doctor Johnson, sit ye down. Now, this book of yours, what's it about?

It is a book about the English language, sir.

I see. And the hero's name is what?

There's no hero.

No hero? Lucky I reminded you, then. Uh, call him George. 'George' is a nice name for a hero. Now, what about heroines?

There is no heroine, sir, unless it is our mother tongue.

The mother's the heroine? Nice twist. So, how far have we got? Old Mother Tongue is in love with George the Hero. Now, what about murders? Mother Tongue doesn't get murdered, does she?

No, she doesn't. No one gets murdered, or married, or in a tricky situation over a pound note!

Now, Doctor Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, but even I know a book's got to have a plot.

Not this one, sir. It is a book that tells you what English words mean.

I know what English words mean. I speak English. You must be a bit of a thicko.

Perhaps you would rather not be patron of my book if you can see no value in it whatsoever, sir.

Well, perhaps so, sir! Because it seems to me that my being patron of this complete cowpat of a book will set to seal, once and for all, my reputation as an utter turnip head!

It is a reputation well-deserved, sir! Farewell!

Ho, sir, bring out the dictionary at once!

Bring it out, sir, or in my passion, I shall kill everyone by giving them syphilis!

Bring it out, sir, and also any opium plants you have in there with you!

Bring it out, sir, or we shall break down the door!

Ah, good morning, Dr. Johnson, Lord Byron-

Where is my dictionary?

And what dictionary would this be?

[outraged] The one that has taken me eighteen hours of every day for the past ten years! My mother died, I hardly noticed. My father cut off his head and fried it in garlic in the hopes of attracting my attention; I scarcely looked up from my work! My wife brought armies of lovers to the house, who worked in droves so that she might bring up a huge family of bastards! I cared not!

[cornered] Am I to assume that my elaborate bluff has not worked?

Dictionary!

Right, well, the truth is - now, don't get cross, don't over-react - the truth is: we burnt it.

Then you die!

[enters with the same dictionary] Morning, everyone. Ah, Doctor Johnson. You know, this dictionary really is a cracking good read!

[relieved] My dictionary... [to Blackadder] But you said you burnt it!

Um...

I think it's a splendid book, and I look forward to patronizing it enormously!

Oh, thank you, sir. Well, I think I'm man enough to sacrifice the pleasure of killing to maintain the general good humour. There is to be no murder today, gentlemen. [they grumble] But retire to Mrs. Miggins'! I shall join you there later for a roister you shan't forget!

Hurrah! [leave]

So, tell me, what words particularly interested you?

Oh, nothing. Anything, really.

I see you've underlined a few. "Bloomers"? "Bottom"? "Burp"? [reads through the pages] "Fart"? "Fiddle"? "Fornicate"? Sir, I hope you are not using the first English dictionary to look up rude words!

I wouldn't be too hopeful. That's what all the others will be used for.

Baldrick

[to Blackadder] Sir, can I look up 'turnip'?

'Turnip' isn't a rude word, Baldrick.

Baldrick

It is if you sit on one.

[reading Baldrick's 'novel'] "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called-" Sausage? Sausage?! Oh, blast your eyes! [crumples it up, throws it to the ground and storms out]

Baldrick

Oh, I didn't think it was that bad.

[checks the dictionary] I think you'll find he left 'sausage' out of his dictionary, Baldrick. [checks again] Oh, and 'aardvark'.