Mitchell quotes from Being Human

Mitchell

But you saved us!

Lauren

[Pleading] So save me.

Annie

Oh, this is ridiculous!

Mitchell

You're lucky. Most people don't get a chance to say goodbye.

Annie

I know, but... fucking hell!

George

You might want to have different last words.

Annie

[Saying her farewells to Mitchell] Don't kill anyone!

Mitchell

Good tip.

Annie

Write that down.

Annie

What happens next, Mitchell?

George

Yeah, is it over? Are we safe now?

Mitchell

Maybe Herrick was right, maybe some else will pick up where he left off.

Annie

Okay, shut up! I'm gonna tell you. I have applied for a job.

George

As what?

Annie

Well, it's something that I've always fancied.

George

Marrying Colin Firth isn't, strictly speaking, a job.

Annie

They're advertising for bar staff at the New Found Out.

Mitchell

The pub? That's the job you've always fancied? Jesus, aim for the stars.

George

It's not about you any more, so there's nothing left for you to do. You're like a piece of um...deadly furniture.

Mitchell

Did you just call me deadly furniture?

Mitchell

Look, are you okay?

Lucy

I was a house officer at the Whittington in London. I had a boyfriend, a goldfish, a flat with a garden. When it was someone's birthday at work we'd have wine in mugs and eat Twix fingers and, do you know what? It was lovely. But because I am an idiot and because it was a promotion, I gave it all up and me and my goldfish moved here, where the doctors have an acronym for unattractive female patients; IWEJF - 'I wouldn't even jizz in her face'. And last night, I got home and my goldfish was gone - no body, no note, nothing. So no, I'm really not okay.

Mitchell

Do you have a cat? Because chances are, that's what ate the goldfish.

Lucy

I don't, but if I did I think I would have made that connection.

Mitchell

A cat must have got in somehow.

Lucy

Yeah, actually, could you just sort of piss off for a bit? [Pushes him out through the door. Mitchell pauses for a moment, then goes back in, annoyed]

Mitchell

As my best friend so kindly pointed out to me this morning, I don't have a girlfriend, all my family are dead and I mop up puke and pee and shit for five quid an hour. So, much as I sympathise, if we're comparing isolation and disappointment I think I win. [turns to go]

Lucy

I'm Lucy.

Mitchell

Mitchell.

Lucy

I keep screwing up, Mitchell.

Mitchell

Then you're in good company.

Mitchell

Someone's been sick in the shop. Some days it's all about the poo but today everyone's...being...sick.

Lucy

So, that was weird.

Mitchell

I don't know how to talk to you. I know I came on too strong the other day but now...Oh my god, I've become my flatmate.

Lucy

Okay, look, the replacement goldfish you gave me--

Mitchell

Trevor.

Lucy

I love him. We have such a laugh. He was the perfect gesture. And...and that's the speed I'm comfortable with, not forever, but just until I get my head... [Sighs.] Trevor was genius.

Mitchell

So...what do we do now? Do I buy you another goldfish?

Lucy

No, no, see you've gone weird again. How about a coffee?

Mitchell

Let me go. I've changed my mind.

That's tough.

Mitchell

I'm not ready.

I remember saying that when I was tied to the chair.

Mitchell

Just let me out, let me go out onto the street and we can start tomorrow.

We've already started Mitchell.

Mitchell

Dan! Let me out! Let me out you queer or I'll rip your throat out! Rargh!

Apologise.

Mitchell

Piss off!!

Mitchell, please apologise.

Mitchell

(hangs his head) I'm sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry.

Are you OK?

Yes, just leave us.

Mitchell

How long is this gonna take?

Depends, maybe six months.

Mitchell

Why are you doing this?

Because it's what you'd do for me.

Mitchell

One of the times I tried to properly quit drinking blood, I was living with this vampire, Carl. And he helped me. He's been clean for, what-- I don't know-- twenty years now--

George

You...um, sorry. You lived with someone...before me?

Mitchell

...What? Yeah, lots of people.

George

But--Who?!

Mitchell

...Vampires? People-people, I don't know!

George

Peo--oh, well, that's it.

Mitchell

Oh, god. Don't get all--

George

What? What?

Mitchell

You! Don't get all you about this. Of course I've lived with other people. You think I've spent the past hundred years waiting for you and your...three different kinds of upholstery cleaner to show up?!

Mitchell

Fifty years and still the same car?

Ivan

Been keeping her in storage, you know what it's like. If it goes, has a good body and you like being inside it, why get rid of it? It's a recipe for a happy marriage, too.

Ivan

You think this ends tonight? [laughs] This is just the beginning. Today it's Carl, tomorrow it's someone else. It's like I said, you're sliding into chaos and there's no safety net now. They've been in hiding since Herrick died but they're gonna get hungry soon, then you're going to be waking up to headlines about vampires.

Mitchell

If we did declare ourselves, but not the way Herrick wanted, but if we could just stop hiding.

Ivan

What, are you imagining some kind of peaceful co-existence? It'd be chaos! Worldwide panic. Good news for religion, mind, especially Christianity. There'd be standing room only in the churches all of a sudden. And as soon as they knew about vampires, they'd know about werewolves, they'd know about ghosts. They'd be next. And when humanity had finally finished with us, it would turn on itself. First the other religions, massively in the minority now, then the homosexuals, the disabled...do you want to know what the future looks like? Enforced worship in churches a mile high, and every country surrounded by a coral reef of bones. But fuck it, maybe it should happen - there's nothing on TV at the moment.

George

You don't buy any food. You never hoover. I don't think you even know what a pair of Marigolds is!

Mitchell

I don't do Marigolds.

Annie

We need to talk. So, George, you start.

George

[to Mitchell] Are you okay?

Mitchell

I've been better. You?

George

Likewise.

Mitchell

We should just go out one night and just get hammered.

George

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Annie

That's it? That's how you share?

George

What more is there to say?

Mitchell

Yeah, he's feeling a bit down, which is pretty understandable and I'm kind of stressed. We don't need to turn this into an episode of Oprah.

George

Exactly! File it under 'have discussed'.

Mitchell

George do you wanna watch The Real Hustle?

George

Oh I would really like that Mitchell. [to Annie] Women - think you're such authorities, like the way you deal with emotion is the only way.

Mitchell

It's not on!

George

Er, yeah it is. It's on at 10:30.

Mitchell

No, they moved it.

George

They what?! No, you're kidding me?!

Mitchell

Oh I don't believe it!

George

No, I was looking forward to that.

Mitchell

10:30 Thursdays. That's 'Real Hustle' time. A fucking child knows that!

George

Could I just not have one good thing in my life...?

Mitchell

...It just drives me insane when they move things around...

George

...Don't I deserve it? Don't I deserve one bloody crumb of happiness?

Mitchell

...This is so...what, so we're supposed to check every week! Like we don't have anything else to do! Is it our responsibility? Why's it down to us?!

George

I saw a preview. They were going to do a con about cashpoints.

Mitchell

Really? [George nods] I would have loved that. You bastards! Argh!! [Mitchell flings the TV schedule at the television and walks into the kitchen as George sobs, Mitchell walks back wearing Marigolds] There, I'll do the washing-up! Is everyone happy now?!

George

There must be some other reason for chatting you up, like access to drugs.

Mitchell

She's a doctor! She can steal her own drugs.

George

Ah, so she's on drugs. That makes perfect sense.

Mitchell

You see, it's pep talks like this I'm really going to miss.