Tom McNair quotes from Being Human

Tom

Always be kind and polite and have the materials to build a bomb.

Tom

There's a new player in town. And he's got the skills, and the looks, and the motivation, and the skills. He's got the whole package.

McNair

Do you know what you're doing?

Nina

I'm a nurse. We need to get him to the hospital.

McNair

I can stitch that back up at the truck. Come on, Tom. You can walk.

Nina

What, in the tetanus mobile? Are you kidding?

McNair

You know what I don't understand? Is what a clean and kind girl like you is doing with a vampire.

Annie

How did you know?!

McNair

I see things. Live the life we do, pays to know who's safe and who's a threat.

Annie

Look. My first boyfriend took naked photos of me while I was asleep and put them on the internet. My second boyfriend got drunk and asked my mum for a threesome. My third boyfriend pushed me down the stairs and killed me. So I think a vampire's pretty much...marriage material, given my track record.

McNair

Maybe they are your pack.

Tom

I think they've got their own pack. No - Limehead in Cornwall's where I want to go.

McNair

You can take the truck. I'll be all right.

Tom

We still need to find a distributor cap. Plus you need to teach me how to drive.

Tom

I ain't done nowt!

Annie

You haven't done anything!

Tom

Exactly!

Annie

No, Tom, I'm not agreeing with you. Your grammar is appalling.

Hal

Kill me. Seriously, kill me now. You can tell Annie I attacked you, or something.

Tom

Maybe later, if you work really hard.

Urgh, no offence, but, like, I'm into guys that are just a little bit more edgy. You know, a little bit more darkness about them. [Hal and Tom both laugh] Are you laughing at me? You'd better not be laughing at me!

Tom

No, we weren't, honestly.

Hal

Sorry, it's just, um, a private joke, you see. We're actually both quite dark in our own little ways.

Tom

Yeah, but he's darker than me, I'm only dark occasionally.

Annie

[Frustrated with Tom and Hal ignoring her] Annie! How was your day? Oh, thank you. Thank you for asking, because it was a bit weird. I got stalked by a vampire in the park and then I pushed my sex memories into another vampire's sad little vampire brain. Ooh, that is weird Annie. Yes, I know. Thank you for asking.

Tom

Is there something you'd like to tell us, Annie?

Hal

I used to ride a horse once.

What? What's that got to do with it?

Hal

[Babbling] I had a sword. I was respected. Better than that, I was feared. Peasants had their backs flayed for looking at me funny.

Tom

You alright Hal?

Hal

It was brutal, but it worked. We had order, we had respect, and now, we have this.

Tom

OK, then, mate. Let's go in the back and have a bit of a chat, shall we? Come on.

Hal

And I had a shield. A red one!

Tom

What we watching?

Hal

I don't know. Something about conmen.

Tom

Anything else on?

Hal

Please, don't do that, little baby. Help! Anyone!

Tom

Annie's made a rota.

Hal

I already have a rota.

Tom

7am, I feed the baby. 8am, You walk the baby. There's a task for every hour and it's colour coded.

Hal

Little pictures of nappies and bottles. And Glitter.

Hal

She's planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives.

Tom

We must destroy this.

You look after the baby on your own do you?

Tom

Umm...

Annie

Hal! Get down here now!

Are you the baby's sole carer?

Tom

Nope. It's not just me.

There's the baby's mother?

Tom

Sort of, yeah.

Is everything all right here? Because you seem rather odd.

Hal

What do you mean by that?

[sees Hal] Who are you?

Hal

[Uncomfortable] I'm, um...

Annie

Say it.

Hal

I'm his...boyfriend.

Tom

Yeah, me and him, we've...

Hal

When you said rather odd, what were you implying?

That's he's a halfwit.

Hal

Then it is time to declare your intentions! First, write her a poem. Then speak to her father.

Tom

Annie said I should just get drunk and try and to snog her.

Hal

It's all so brutish these days! I preferred the dowry system.

I've never been kissed.

Annie

What?

When I was alive.

Annie

[disbelieving] Really? Never, ever? In your whole life?

Allison

It's not that unbelievable.

Tom

I could imagine actually.

Hal

We've all had dry spells.