(on the phone) Can you come here right away?
(on phone) No, I don't care how much it costs.
Now I don't care who you're talking to. (hangs up)
John, that was the exterminator! I want that thing out of here!
Margaret, it's just a rat! Why do you hate it so much, anyway?
Because, when I was a child, my father bought me a little dog--
Oh, please, please. Is this going to be that urban legend story where the dog turns out to be a rat?
No. This is my sixth birthday party where my dog was EATEN by a rat!
... Beats pin the tail on the donkey, I guess...
I know, it's a horrible mistake. I can only imagine what you've been through, you know, but the good news is you're fine.
The hell I am! I've been living the last two weeks like I only got two weeks left to live! If I'm not dying, I'm a dead man!
Mr. Garland, I understand--
No, you don't understand. When I left your office that day, I was devastated. But then I figured if I've only got a short time to live, well, I'm going to go out in style. The first thing I did was quit my job, told my boss to go straight to hell. What'd I have to lose? You told me I was dying.
I-I understand, but that's still just a job, you know? So you burned a bridge.
No. I burned his new BMW.
Because you told me I was dying!
Couldn't you pay him back?
No, I can't. I spent all my money on champagne, limos and lap dances.
I got a lot of lap dances.
So, you spent all your money, and you lost your job, but all those things are fixable.
No. I haven't finished yet. After that, I maxed out my credit cards, cursed out my wife, and sent a photo copy of my ass to the IRS.
Look, I'll try to help you. I'll call the lab. They made a mistake once--
There's a chance I might not make it?!
I promise I will exhaust ever possibility, but I'm only human, you know? In the end, you may have to come to grip with the fact that... you're gonna live.
RK Regina "Reggie" Kostas
There. Cat. I'm using the C at the end of your word, Jake.
RK Regina "Reggie" Kostas
Xebec.
I still say that's not a word.
Bob, I told you. It's a antiquated tri-masted Mediterranean sailing vessel.
RK Regina "Reggie" Kostas
All right, smartass. It's your turn.
Read 'em and weep. J-U-G-G-S. Juggs!
RK Regina "Reggie" Kostas
Not a word.
Yes, it is! Jake's news stand! Magazines, top shelf!
Forget about it, Bob. It's a proper noun. Besides, we already let you have melons, boobs, and Hooters.
(A man starts screaming in the bathroom)
You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I'm beginning to think that Linda was right about all that astrology crap.
Oh, that's nonsense. Strange things don't happen to you because of the planets or numerology or any of that junk. If your faith in the Lord was as strong as mine, you'd know that. You lead a good life, you'd go to Heaven. If you don't, you suffer the consequences.
DL Devilish-Looking Man
Excuse me.
(takes one look at him) Oh, sweet Jesus. Um, are you a new patient?
DL Devilish-Looking Man
Yes, I am.
DL Devilish-Looking Man
I'm known by many names... Jim, James, Jimbo.
(to Becker) You take him, I'll get the rat.
RK Regina "Reggie" Kostas
That's right, Bob. Jake's pretended to be blind all these years so he beat you at Scrabble.
RK Regina "Reggie" Kostas
What, you think we're taking advantage of him?
No, I think he's taking advantage of you. He played in the National Championships like, three different times.
Well, now technically, it's not hustling unless you were dumb enough to play for money.
I thought it was a sure thing! He's blind! I mean, the man's been throwing fish food in his toilet for the last five years!
So, did you get the test results? Am I really dying?!
Mr. Garland, sometimes, no matter how hard we try--
(disappointed) I'm gonna live?
I was going to go along with that astrology crap, but then I looked it up. Mercury doesn't go into retrograde for another three months.
Wow, that must mean that all the weird stuff that happened here today was nothing but a bunch of unrelated coincidences.
Yeah, you got a better explanation?
Well, if you add up the month, the day and the year, that adds up to 26. You add the two and the six, that's eight. Divide that by four, that's two, which is the number of people here in this room. Coincidence? I don't think so.
Aw, Margaret, will you let go of that rat thing?
(poking the ceiling with a broom) I can't, John. He's up there. I know he is.
All right, get down. Get down. If it'll make you feel better, I'll go take a look.
(Becker climbs a ladder to look above the ceiling panels)
(A huge rat shadow suddenly passes by him) Oh. Sweet Jesus.
[After Chris turns down Bob's offer of a date]
RK Regina "Reggie" Kostas
Yeah, she was just letting you down easy.
That's what I mean! Usually, I just get a kick in the groin and a face-full of pepper spray!
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