You know, a while ago when Coolio said "I see myself in the pistol smoke", he stole that from Snoop Doggy Dogg.
Alice Cooper, Lost in America
“C”
In this episode: Smart Beavis (69), Smart Butt-head (65), Butthead (3), Johnny Cash (1)
ACAlice Cooper
I can't get a girl 'cause I ain't got a car.
Yeah!
Yeah yeah, really!
AAlice
I can't get a car 'cause I ain't got a job.
Yeah, really!
Yeah.
Me neither.
Me neither.
AAlice
I can't get a job 'cause I ain't got a car.
Yeah!
Yeah, really.
Life sucks.
AAlice
So I'm looking for a girl with a job and a car.
Whoa! Find a girl with a job and a car. That's a good idea.
Oh yeah. This guy's really smart!
Yeah. It's like he figures out what his problems are, and then he figures out what to do with it.
AAlice
I can't go to school 'cause I ain't got a gun.
Preach on, brother Cooper.
Mmhmm, I know that's right.
AAlice
I ain't got a gun 'cause I ain't got a job.
Mmmhmm, I heard that.
AAlice
I ain't got a job 'cause I can't go to school
That sucks.
AAlice
So I'm looking for a girl with a gun and a job. And a house, with cable.
He doesn't get cable?
What a dumbass. If you don't have cable, you might as well, um...go to school or something.
He can't go to school, remember? He doesn't have a job or a girl or a car or cable.
He doesn't have cable? No way. I thought all rock stars had cable and stuff.
Corrosion of Conformity, Clean My Wounds
One Adam Five, One Adam Five, we have a wild man in a cemetery, repeat, a wild man in a cemetery!
Perpetrator was last seen running around like some kind of butt monkey! Please, uhh...apprehend and stuff.
And uh, kick his ass! Yeah, kick him in the nads.
All these videos nowadays, it's like, they have this one really weird dude in 'em.
Yeah, yeah, it's like, all of them have this one really weird guy running around. Except for this video.
Uhh, Beavis, I was talking about this video. They got that dude with the damn tattoo and the bald head.
Yeah, but he's not that weird. There's dudes like that everywhere.
I know, and they're all weird.
Oh.
It's like, everybody knows that, y'know, like, death and, like, the graveyard and all that stuff is pretty cool and everything, but it's like, they need to show it in a new way or something.
Yeah, really. it's like, y'know, it's pretty cool that they decided to do a video in a graveyard, y'know, with like, a little crazy dude running around, but it's like, I've already seen it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Exactly! It's like, I mean, I don't have all the answers, y'know, it's like I probably couldn't do a better job myself, but y'know, I just gotta say, y'know, frankly, um, uh...it's been done! Heh, heh, Frankly.
Frank.
Frank? Oh yeah. Frank.
The Cramps, Ultra Twist
NNarrator
And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
I think this is Tales From the Crypt! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
You're a prevert, Beavis.
Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [imitating the Crypt Keeper] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
That's enough, Beavis.
Hey, those are like those sunglasses your grandma wears, Beavis.
Yeah, it's like, [imitating an old lady] "I'm going out to get some medicine and a carton of smokes. Beavis, honey, go get your grandma her sunglasses, okay?" [coughs]
Yeah. And then you're like, "Get 'em yourself, buttmunch!"
Yeah, really. Get 'em yourself!
Whoa, Butt-head! Butt-head, look at that up there! You can see something, look!
Yeah. There's a lot of butt wigglin' and butt snappin' and like, people sticking their butts out.
Yeah, yeah. This is what we need!
And then it's like, this guy's goin' around stickin' his butt out goin': "Jam it in and screw i-uuuuuuuuut! Do the ultra twee-uuuusssssst!"
Boy, this is some nasty stuff.
These guys understand the importance of a good butt.
Crowbar, All I Had (I Gave)
Whoa! This dude looks like that assistant football coach.
Yeah. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY, BOY!!!! NOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!"
Yeah. "WHAT KIND OF A MAN ARE YOOOOOUUUUUU?"
"YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF GIRLS OUT THERE!!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OVER THERE AND SHAKE IT OFF AND GIVE UP RIGHT NOW?!"
How many fat dudes are there in this band?
Um, uhhhhhhhh, well, there's at least, um, two.
Yeah. They need to get a big, fat drummer.
Yeah, really. And like, just a couple big, fat dudes dancing around would be cool too.
He's having trouble defecating.
KWKirk Windstein
OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (OOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!)
Uh, not anymore.
He just took a dump!
Crowbar, Existence Is Punishment
Whoa, it's Crowbar!
Oh yeah. They're always taking a dump.
KWKirk Windstein
I give my heart and soul to you!
Whoa! He said he gave his heart and soul to some chick.
That must have been like...at least 50 pounds of meat.
This music is slow and fat.
Yeah. This is the kind of music you have on a workout tape--if you're skinny and you wanna get fat!
Yeah. It's like you put this on, then you like pig out.
And then every now and then, you just go "I GIVE MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOU!!!"
Yeah. And then you just sit there and get fat.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Beavis and Butt-Head pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.