Alfred Pennyworth quotes from Batman

Joker

Batman and Boy Wonder? Are your blindfolds in place? Very well, then. Ask yourselves, "What is wrong with this sentence?" "He who laughs last laughs good!" [laughs]

Robin

Holy grammar! Is that all?

Batman

He who laughs last laughs best, not good! Best! Best! Best!

Robin

Do you suppose "blindfold" might have something to do with it?

Alfred

If I may venture an opinion, sir, I think Master Dick may have put his finger on it.

Batman

Blindfold?

Alfred

No, sir. Grammar. The sentence was gramatically incorrect. One does not laugh good, sir. One laughs well.

Batman

Why, that's it, Alfred! Laughs well! Laughwell! Professor James J. Laughwell!

Robin

Holy safari! The one that just got back from Africa, with a collection of rare masks and objects of art!

Alfred

That's where the blindfold part would come in, sir.

Batman

And they're being stored at the Lasts Longer Warehouse! To the Batmobile!

Gordon

Switchboard, Commissioner Gordon here. Plug me in at once into the Hotline Batphone circuit.

Alfred

I regret to say, sir, Batman and Robin are not at present available.

Gordon

What? Surely, you, you must be jesting.

Alfred

Alas, sir, I am not. Batman is enjoying one of his infrequent vacations.

Gordon

Ohh! Catastrophic! Unprecedented! Batman and Robin not available! You know what this means, don't you?

O'Hara

If you're thinking what I'm afraid you're thinking.

Gordon

Precisely, Chief O'Hara. The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived. This time, we're going to have to solve a case ourselves.

Alfred

[to Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara] My experience with women has been that they tend to believe what they want to believe. So, knowing you both to be conscientious gentlemen and faithful husbands, I'm sure that if you just tell both your wives that you were involved in some special and, uh, confidential assignment, that will suffice.

Commissioner Gordon

Have you ever been married?

Alfred

Eh -- Well, no, no.

Commissioner Gordon

Alfred, at the risk of sounding pompous, experience with women and experience with wives are two vastly different things.

Chief O'Hara

Amen.

[holding her umbrella-gun to Aunt Harriet's head] Batman! Stop or I blow the lady's brains out! Batman!

Alfred

Well hit, madam!

Joker

Where's Bruce Wayne?

Alfred

Mr. Wayne is not at home, sir.

Joker

Too bad. I'll get my revenge later. Right now, I'll settle for cash. Where's the safe?

Alfred

My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery.

Joker

Oh, no? [points a gun at Baby Jane's head]

Alfred

...right this way, sir.

Joker

Alfred, old pal! Have pity! [whimpers]

Alfred

We Anglo-finks have a long memory.

Alfred

[to himself] I really shouldn't take pleasure in another creature's misfortunes. But, uh, occasionally, one may be forgiven for a slight twinge of satisfaction.