Commissioner Gordon quotes from Batman

Commissioner Gordon

I don't know who he is beneath that mask of his, but I know when we need him, and we need him now!

Chief O'Hara

Commissioner, there's only one man living who can unmask False Face.

Commissioner Gordon

Chief O'Hara, you've spoken for all of us. Our only hope is that tower of power for right and justice, the Caped Crusader!

False Face

[posing as Commissioner Gordon] But False Face must be caught before he plots another sinister scheme!

Batman

Absolutely accurate, False Face!

Chief O'Hara

But Caped Crusader, that's the Commissioner!

Batman

Is it? Then why is a right-handed commissioner holding his handkerchief in his left hand?

Chief O'Hara

Saints alive! It's False Face!

So you finally fumbled, False Face!

False Face

For the moment!

Commissioner Gordon

I lost him!

Robin

Luckily, Commissioner, he found us!

Chief O'Hara

Impersonating a police commissioner! Well, the warden will be working out a warm welcome for you!

False Face

[to Batman] Game and set to you, Caped Crusader! But wait! You may yet meet your match!

Gordon

Maury Wills better than Honus Wagner?

O'Hara

50 times better.

Gordon

You're an ignorant oaf, Chief O'Hara. I wonder why I keep you in my department.

O'Hara

[sarcastically] Your royal highness! Often I wondered why I don't resign.

My name is Pauline. My lawyer's name is Mr. Oliver Wendell. Why don't you look him up and buzz him?

Gordon

No use, Batman. She's hard as nails.

O'Hara

Knows her legal rights, too.

Batman

A frustrated, would-be actress. A star that was never born. Venting her disappointment on society.

Gordon

Switchboard, Commissioner Gordon here. Plug me in at once into the Hotline Batphone circuit.

Alfred

I regret to say, sir, Batman and Robin are not at present available.

Gordon

What? Surely, you, you must be jesting.

Alfred

Alas, sir, I am not. Batman is enjoying one of his infrequent vacations.

Gordon

Ohh! Catastrophic! Unprecedented! Batman and Robin not available! You know what this means, don't you?

O'Hara

If you're thinking what I'm afraid you're thinking.

Gordon

Precisely, Chief O'Hara. The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived. This time, we're going to have to solve a case ourselves.

Alfred

[to Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara] My experience with women has been that they tend to believe what they want to believe. So, knowing you both to be conscientious gentlemen and faithful husbands, I'm sure that if you just tell both your wives that you were involved in some special and, uh, confidential assignment, that will suffice.

Commissioner Gordon

Have you ever been married?

Alfred

Eh -- Well, no, no.

Commissioner Gordon

Alfred, at the risk of sounding pompous, experience with women and experience with wives are two vastly different things.

Chief O'Hara

Amen.

Batman

Right now, Robin and I are off to nail Mad Hatter.

Gordon

The Mad Hatter? At a time like this? Who cares about that pipsqueak's inconsequential crimes?

Batman

Any crime, no matter how large or small, Commissioner Gordon, is a violation of a public right and common law, and the criminal or criminals committing such an offense must be apprehended, for the sake of all human morality.

O'Hara

What she [Pussycat] needs is a good slap on the wrist.

Gordon

That's enough. You know I'm violently opposed to police brutality.

Batman

Chief O'Hara, may I have the keys to your patrol car?

Chief O'Hara

...are you insured?

Give him the keys, O'Hara!

Chief O'Hara

Yes, sir.

Commissioner, there are a bunch of flower children out here to see you.

Gordon

Flower children? Alright, send them...wait a minute, Bonnie, hold on, hold on a second.

Batman

We'll go down the window and go down the Batropes. Otherwise, we'll be mobbed.

O'Hara

Mobbed? In police headquarters?

Robin

The flower children think we're cool, man, like we turn 'em on, you know.

Batman

Yes, please be gentle with your visitors, Commissioner. Although it may not be understood by more literal minds, in their own way, they're doing what they can to correct the world's woes with love and flowers.

Gordon

I'm sure they won't find caviar on the menu at Gotham State Prison.

Batman

Probably not, but they will get a well-balanced diet thanks to Warden Crichton's emphasis on proper nutrition.

Batgirl

Are you ready to be incarcerated, King Tut?

King Tut

With the greatest pleasure. You could jail me for a million years and I wouldn't flinch an inch. Oh, at last, Nirvana is within my grasp.

Commissioner Gordon

You appear to be quite breezy for a man about to be tucked away.

King Tut

I know, and so would you if you knew what I know; and if I know you, no doubt you know what I now know. Why waste my time with someone who knows, I have to find someone who doesn't know. [to Chief O'Hara] Do you know? No.

Batgirl

Sounds like The Riddle of the Sphinx.

King Tut

Nothing so simple as that, dear lady. I hold the key to the riddle of the ages. You're too late, Dynamic Dimwits.

Robin

Holy waste of energy.

Batman

What has he told you?

Chief O'Hara

Nothing. He's been running off at the mouth about some secret or riddle.

King Tut

The beans, so to speak, are about to be spilled. Batman and Robin, prepare to meet the end of your usefulness. Lady and gentlemen, Batman and Robin are... [BABBLES]

Robin

It's only gonna prolong the agony, Batman.

Batman

Not necessarily, Robin. That blow on his head could be exactly what saves us. I certainly hope so.

King Tut

Where am I?

Commissioner Gordon

You were about to tell us a secret, King Tut.

King Tut

King Tut? My name is William Omaha McElroy... and I'm professor of Egyptology at Yale University.

Batgirl

You don't remember what you were going to tell us?

King Tut

Who do you have a purple mask on, lady? I'm going to be late for class.

Commissioner Gordon

Uh, just a moment, professor.

Chief O'Hara

You can't walk off like this.

King Tut

Harvard people, nice speaking to you.

Gordon

Batman, you unscrambled that safe's combination in three seconds flat! How did you do it?

Batman

With my Three-Seconds-Flat-Bat-Combination-Unscrambler, Commissioner.