The Joker quotes from Batman

The Joker

[laughing] And now people of Gotham City, the moment you have all been waiting for. [Continuously Laughing] The grand finale! The climax of my performance! The zenith of my career! The unmasking of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder!

The Joker

Hello, kiddies! A-meet the Joker!

Joker

We who laugh and run away, live to laugh another day!

Joker

Then, after I've gotten rid of Batman and Robin for good, I will rule the waves. Me, the Joker, king of the surf and all the surfers. Then, Gotham City! Later, the world!

Joker

Batman and Boy Wonder? Are your blindfolds in place? Very well, then. Ask yourselves, "What is wrong with this sentence?" "He who laughs last laughs good!" [laughs]

Robin

Holy grammar! Is that all?

Batman

He who laughs last laughs best, not good! Best! Best! Best!

Robin

Do you suppose "blindfold" might have something to do with it?

Alfred

If I may venture an opinion, sir, I think Master Dick may have put his finger on it.

Batman

Blindfold?

Alfred

No, sir. Grammar. The sentence was gramatically incorrect. One does not laugh good, sir. One laughs well.

Batman

Why, that's it, Alfred! Laughs well! Laughwell! Professor James J. Laughwell!

Robin

Holy safari! The one that just got back from Africa, with a collection of rare masks and objects of art!

Alfred

That's where the blindfold part would come in, sir.

Batman

And they're being stored at the Lasts Longer Warehouse! To the Batmobile!

Joker

[laughing] Have a sneeze on me, Batman!

Batman

No use, Joker! I knew you'd employ your sneezing powder, so I took an Anti-Allergy Pill! Instead of a sneeze, I've caught you cold!

Hey boss, hey boss, boss, boss, boss, look, look, look, they're up in the chimney!

Joker

I know that you fool!

Well how'd they get up there?

Joker

[Sarcastically] They took the elevator, what do you think!

It's a cool pad, Joker.

Joker

Huh, all you've seen of this cool pad, Cornelia, is that mirror. Vanity is a waste of time. I never look at myself.

Well I'm younger, Joker, and a girl; and it is a cool pad.

Joker

Well, it will do for the purpose.

Joker

Oh, The caped crusaders don't know what's in store for them. At long last, I'll have them out of my way permanently.

That's a long time, Joker.

Joker

The proceeds from my zodiac crimes will give me what I've always wanted. Complete control of Gotham City. Oh, yes. The caped crusaders are now solidly star-crossed. Venus. Venus, will you stop bouncing?

Your orders, Joker. A larcenous mind in a limber body. we must stay trim.

Joker

No.

Batman's no fool.

Joker

He's no match for me with the stars as my guide. Oh, get the door, Mercury.

Freight shipment. Collect. Two thousand four hundred fifty dollars.

What?

Joker

Just pay him, Mercury. Quick, give me a hand with this. Ha-ha-ha! Careful now. Careful.

What's inside, Joker? $2000 is a lot of money!

Joker

Ah, this merchandise is WORTH $2000!

Penguin

It's worth $200,000, you cheapskate! At least you could have sent me a plane ticket!

Joker

We had to get you into Gotham City without anyone knowing about it, Pengy. Especially Batman.

Penguin

You better have something good cooked up for that caped creep.

Joker

Oh, don't you worry, Pengy. The pot's being put on the fire right now, and Batman's in it.

Penguin

Oh, you are a man after my own heart, Joker.

Joker

Black, eh?

Penguin

Black as pitch.

Joker

Where are Uranus and Mars? They should have completed Operation Laundry Bag by now.

Maybe they ran into some trouble with the prison guards.

Joker

They better not. Operation Laundry Bag must be successful... in order for me to complete Aquarius and Capricorn. The final two crimes of my zodiac. Ha, ha. They're here. Yeah. Well, where is he?

In the bag.

Joker

Stupid. Why didn't you let him out?

We didn't have a chance. Warden Crichton's boys chased us all the way from the prison.

Joker

Well, quick, help me get him out.

Penguin

Waugh, waugh, waugh. You dolts. You buffoons. I might have suffocated.

I'm sorry, Pengy. I didn't mean to...

Penguin

"Pengy"? Mr. Penguin to you, sir.

Joker

Numskull, get Penguin's clothes for him! Hurry!

Penguin

Get my clothes for me? I've got them on!

Joker

Oh, so you do! For a minute, I thought those were prison issue!

Penguin

Prison issue?! This sartorial triumph, a prison issue?!

Joker

Well, sometime I'll give you the name of my tailor!

Penguin

Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind! Like right now!!

I don't have any other clothes for him, Joker. But... But I got news for you. Saturn called from the other hideout. Venus and the Caped Crusaders are gone.

Joker

Well, of course they're gone. The clam made a good meal out of them. Ha-ha-ha!

The Batmobile's gone too, from outside. The clam could haven't eaten that.

Joker

Are you trying to tell me Batman, Robin and Venus could all have escaped my clam trap?

Yeah, that's the way it looks from here, Joker.

Joker

Oh, Pengy. Then I really need your help.

Penguin

To do what?

Joker

To terminate Batman once and for all. While I conclude my Zodiac Crimes.

Penguin

Now you're talking. Together to the end, Jokey. Batman's end.

Joker

Ewww. Well, that's terrible. Terrible, Wayne. Why, even a 3-year old could do better than that. Here, let me show you. [Joker works with the clay and ruins the sculpture.] Ah, there, that's more like it.

Bruce Wayne

Yes. I see what you mean. That's about the level of a 3-year old.

Joker

I do the jokes around here, Wayne!

Bruce Wayne

I say that was one of your better ones.

Joker

Where's Bruce Wayne?

Alfred

Mr. Wayne is not at home, sir.

Joker

Too bad. I'll get my revenge later. Right now, I'll settle for cash. Where's the safe?

Alfred

My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery.

Joker

Oh, no? [points a gun at Baby Jane's head]

Alfred

...right this way, sir.

Joker

Alfred, old pal! Have pity! [whimpers]

Alfred

We Anglo-finks have a long memory.

Alfred

[to himself] I really shouldn't take pleasure in another creature's misfortunes. But, uh, occasionally, one may be forgiven for a slight twinge of satisfaction.

Joker

Let bygones be bygones. I'd like to shake hands with both of you. Can't we be friends?

Robin

I'd rather shake hands with a spitting cobra!

Batman

You're being cynical, Robin. To err is human, to forgive...divine.

Batman

[After being buzzed by Joker while shaking hands] Another...practical joke, Joker.

Joker

Not exactly Batman, it's my deadly joker buzzer, one by one your five senses will leave you. Then your lungs will collapse, and certainly you'll be KAPUT, FINI, DEFUNCT!

Joker

Ha-ha-ha! It's time for my ultimate ultimatum. Hear this. Now hear this. All citizens of Gotham City and the world. this is the Joker speaking to you from outer space. From inner outer space. Yes, advising you to... What's the matter, Verdigris? We've passed the city. We're headed right back to Flying Circus Hill. and the abandoned launching pad factory. Oh. Depress the Aerothermo Turret Resojets. Accelerate the Isothermal Oxyacetylene Vaporometers.

Huh?

Joker

Step on the gas!

This, uh, thingamajig is stuck here.

Joker

But we're headed right back where we started. Ooh! Ooh!

Well, at least it was a soft landing, poopsie.

Joker

Yes, but on the wrong planet. I wanted to rule the world from Mars! I like the looks of that place!

Batman

Yes, I think you'd be more comfortable there at the moment, Joker.