Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · Season 1
Oh! Für wen sind die, denn? (Oh! Who are those for?)
Ist da eine Karte dabei? (Is there a card with it?)
Ja... Oh, es ist auf Englisch. (Yeah... Oh, it's in English.)
Hmm... [Reads the card] "To Yvette, from someone who has waited a long time."
[Laughs] Wass? (What?)
[Translating for Christa] "Fur Yvette, von jemandem, der schon seit langem warten."
[Confused] Wo ist denn Yvette? (Where's this Yvette?)
No, Oz! It wasn't my fault!
Don't hurt him, Oz!
[Pinning Moxey up against the wall, still covered in wet plaster] You won't take nowt serious, will yer? You, eh? Yer always pullin' some stunt or other!
Oz, it was Dennis, honest!
Dennis? Dennis is too straight up to play funny buggers!
Oz! Oz, it was a genuine mistake. It was a genuine mistake, really. [Oz flings wet plaster over Moxey's head] Look, Moxey's not malicious, is he? He's naive, right, but not malicilous.
[Getting up] Yeah. Right.
See? Just a genuine mistake, that's all.
[Turning on Barry] Well, so much for your bloody kismet, or whatever the hell you call it!
It's not my fault she weren't called Yvette, is it?
I feel a right berk now, though.
'Ey, Oz.
What?
Yvette... Christa, Kismet, whatever her bloody name is... I mean, what's the difference? What's in a name?
Aye. I mean, she may not be preordained from another life, Oz, but she ain't half got lovely bosoms.
Hello, Oz. Who bought you them, then? [Chuckles]
Get stuffed.
Oh, charming. Charming(!) No, seriously, though, what are they for?
Nowt. Money down the drain, man.
You bought 'em for someone?
It's none of your business why I bought 'em!
Yeah, all right! All right! I'm not trying to needle you.
Nah? You'd better not, neither, right? I've had a right bellyful today! [They walk towards]
Hey, what are you gonna do with 'em?
I dunno. Sling 'em, I suppose.
I'll take 'em off you.
How much?
How much did you pay for 'em?
Fifteen quid.
I'll give you half.
Half?! They're only two hours old, man.
Yeah, but they're still second-hand, eh? I mean, there's not much demand for second-hand flowers, is there?
They're as good as new, look.
They're wilting. Oh yeah, you should've put 'em in water, son, otherwise they wilt. Look at the petals. Definitely wilting.
Are they?
Yeah. Well past their prime, sunbeam. I think £5 is a bit over-generous, really.
It was £7.50 at the bricks!
Oh yeah, but they're wilting by the second, ain't they? I mean, the price goes down, son, even as we speak.
[Presenting the flowers to Christa] I'd like you to have these.
[On the phone as she watches] Es ist Ihnen ein kleiner Fehler mit Ihrer Buchhaltung unterlaufen. (You've made a small mistake in your accounting.)
Für mich? (For me?) And... it's not for Yvette, ja?
Eh? No, no... they're for you... from me.
Now, Wayne, what is going on? Who do these flowers belong to?
[Totally smitten] To her. As does my heart.
[Looking out of the window] Ich glaube, da wartet jemand auf Sie. (I think there's someone waiting for you.)
Ach, was soll ich denn jetzt machen? (Oh, what do I do now?) [She sighs as she takes the flowers] Men...
Sie können sich für die Blumen bedanken. (You could say "thank you" for the flowers.) [They leave the office. Dagmar locks up.] Alles klar. (All right.)
Wiedersehen. (Goodbye.)
Tschüss. Bis Morgen. Schönen Abend noch. (Bye. See you tomorrow. Have a nice evening.)
Hello. I was just passing.
Erm... Why you buy for me these?
Why did I buy..? I just felt like it. Y'know, impulse.
Thank you so much, ja? [Turns and approaches her car, but Wayne follows her] Um... They're very lovely.
It's no more than you deserve, is it, eh?
There were other flowers much like these... from Oz, I think his name.
Really? What a coincidence, eh? Look, my name's, um... Wayne.
[Chuckles] I know. [Wayne opens Christa's car door; she puts the flowers on the front passenger seat] Thank you very much.
My pleasure, love.
Er... you Englisch... you live there, ja?
Yeah, in the hut. Yeah. We call it the Stalag.
Wie bitte? (I beg your pardon?)
Stalag. 'Cos it's like a prisoner of war camp, y'know.
Oh! It's... nice camp, ja?
Nice? It's not exactly the Hilton, love, but it's okay, y'know. Just one of the hardships we have to endure to stay in your wonderful country.
Er... show me.
You what?
Ja. [She closes the car door] Show me. [Heads towards the lads' hut]
[Giving chase] Look, it's a bit basic, love. I mean, it's got old socks and crisps and things in it, you know! I really don't think you'd like it that much!
Here, Oz. Isn't that Wayne with your bird there?
She's not my bird, man. Not since I found out that she isn't who she wasn't.
Still very tasty though, ain't she?
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, when Wayne gets his evil hands on her, mate...
Eh? [They give chase, watching from a distance. They see Wayne and Christa enter the hut.] What's he up to?
[As Christa takes in the grim reality of how the lads live] Well... I did warn you, love.
It's, erm... like army.
Or like prison.
[Standing on Wayne's bed, hysterical] No, no!
[Also standing up] Don't worry, love. [Christa falls onto the bed] Get... stand up! [Oz enters]
You dirty bastard!
No, look, you don't understand! You don't understand... [Oz picks Wayne up by the back of his jacket and throws him out of the hut, face first into a muddy puddle.]
[Hysterical] He bite me, he bite me!
Calm down, pet. I've taken care of that dirty little turd.
[Enterting the hut with Moxey] What's the matter, miss? Did Wayne try to ravish you, miss?
No, there... there is a rat. [That puts Barry and Moxey back on edge!]
Okay, out with it. What's the matter?
Nothing.
Look, that was an excellent restaurant, that' You hardly ate a thing, you said even less.
I'm not feeling very well. Must've been the flight. You know I don't like flying. Anyway, you and Dagmar could have stayed.
Oh, of course we couldn't have stayed.
Don't you normally stay with her?
What's that remark supposed to mean?
Just drop it, Dennis.
No, I won't!
I'm tired.
You're upset. You're upset because I brought Dagmar.
Yes! I'm upset because you brought Dagmar! Sometimes you can be...
I can be what?
You can be really insensitive about how other people feel. You get an idea in your head, and you've got to see it through...
Look...
But you don't always think it through!
Listen, I know what's goin' in your life, right? I want you to know the same about me. I just want you to know the way things are.
You don't know the way things are.
Oh, really? Come on, inform me, then!
Don't get angry!
I'm not gettin' angry, man! Confused, maybe.
Look... I didn't come over here to sort things out. I could've done that on the phone. I came over here because our divorce isn't final yet.
I know it's not.
Well, I'm not sure I want it to be.
Now, look, just wait a minute. This divorce was your idea, if I remember correctly.
I know it was. And I know it hurt you. Well, it hurt your pride, anyway. And there were good reasons for splitting up. Very good reasons. But... [Sighs] Oh, I don't want to go through all that again.
Well, Vera... I wish I knew what you did want.
...I don't want a divorce. I want you to come home.
Oh, bloody hell. [There's an awkward silence.]
Fancy a drink? I got some duty-free gin on the plane. There are some glasses in the bathroom. [Dennis heads into the bathroom]
[To the barman] A large cognac, please, chief. [Notices Dennis] Hello, Den. What are you doin' here?
Nightcap.
Yeah? Me too. D'you want another?
Scotch, please.
[To the barman] That's a large Scotch too, please, squire. [To Dennis] I thought you were stayin' out all night.
No, I changed me mind. [Wayne goes over to Dennis. The barman puts their drinks on the bar]
Things not work out with, er, Dagmar and your old lady, then?
[Shakes his head] I thought I was just being above board, yer kna, straight and honest. Vera said I was showin' off.
Showin' off?
Showin' off Dagmar. I mean, she's a smart lass, isn't she? Attractive and honest. I dunno, that's probably what I was doin'. [Coughs]
Well, she is rather special, that Dagmar, ain't she? Mind you, so is her mate.
Christa? Hey, you an' me've... collared the clerical staff, havvn't we? Eh?
I wish I had, Den.
No? Things not work out, like?
She wouldn't let me get near her, would she? Mind you, I didn't want to, y'know. No, I didn't want to sort of come on strong and jump it, like.
Hey, you're slippin', aren't yer?
I'm smitten, Den. Now listen, don't tell the lads, right? Now, I can confide in you, can't I? Now I know you've probably got your own problems and all that, but I can bend your ear a bit, can't I?
Just carry on, bonny lad, I havvn't a care in the world, me(!)
Yeah, well, look, I'm serious about this Christa, right. I know it's madness, but I'm really bowled over. Now, don't tell the lads, eh?
My lips are sealed, all right?
I get embarrased just thinking about it, you know? "It'll never happen to me," I said. It bloody has, ain't it?
Hey... you really are serious, aren't yer?
I'm deadly serious, Den. Of course, er, never having been in this situation before, it's pretty hard to be certain about the symptoms. [Dennis chuckles] But I think... well, listen, I'm positive, sunbeam, that this is it. It's devastating, mate. Devastating.
Ahh, it's not the end of the world, that, man. Go for it!
Yeah, but I can't fathom it, can I? And the trouble is, we're shipping out in a week or two, ain't we?
So?
So I've gotta decide whether to go home or chance me arm here, ain't I?
Yeah, you're not the only one that's gotta make that decision.
You too?
[Nods his head] Mmm-hmm.
You mean home or Dagmar?
[Shakes his head] I mean Vera or Dagmar.
[Exhales] Blimey, Dennis. What are we gonna do?
Well, I was about to get pissed. You care to join me? [They chuckle]
Well, gentlemen, as you probably know there have been one or two changes in the Federal Government's attitude to Gastarbeiter - visiting workers. This is because of increasing unemployment here in West Germany. Oh yes, we have it too.
Yes, but ours is bigger than yours! [The others laugh]
So, we have had to look at ways of keeping more jobs for our own people. Up until now, you have worked here without paying tax or insurance, and that has been very convenient for all of us, ja? But, from next Monday, if you wish to stay and work here in Germany, you will have to apply for official registration and be issued with a license.
Ere, does that mean we gotta give up our British nationality? 'Cos I'm buggered if I'm becoming a German!
No no no, you do not understand. As members of the EEC you have the right to work here, but from now you must accept your financial obligations to the German state.
Well... can we not just graft here and then send wor tax home?
Don't be ridiculous, Oz!
I'm not being ridiculous! I just think it's a bit strong that we give Germany all our skill and labour, and now it's tryin' ta issue us with dog licenses and take what little pittance of money we earn off wor!
Just ignore him, Herr Grunwald.
So... if you could let me know as soon as possible if you wish to stay or not, we can get on with the paperwork.
I can let you know straight away, Herr Grunwald. I'm goin' back to England.
Me too, Herr Grunwald. Family calls.
I shall be sorry to see both of you go. Anyone else?
...Well, personally, I... I'm not quite sure yet, Herr Grunwald.
No, er, me neither.
[turns to Wayne and Dennis] And what about you, Mr. Patterson? [Dagmar looks through into Grunwald's office at Dennis. Oz turns to Dennis]
I haven't decided yet, Herr Grunwald.
Well, it looks as if no-one will be staying, ja?
I wouldn't be too sure about that, Herr Grunwald. [Referring to Wayne, who has been exchanging glances with Christa in the other office the entire meeting]
Well, this is a right puzzler, this one. I don't wanna go back home, but I don't really wanna stop here working in Germany, especially if I'm just gonna be workin' with Germans.
I thought you had a wife and a kid though, Oz.
Aye, and that's why he doesn't want to go back!
[Nods in agreement] True, true. What about you, Moxey? You'll stop here with us, won't ya?
Ah, as much as I like it, Oz, I can't say I relish the idea of paying tax, like. I mean, when you think about the squallid lifestyle that we lead at the moment, it's gonna be even worse with less money.
Sounds like another boy Blighty-bound to me!
No way, Bomb. There's even less chance of that happening.
How's that, like?
I've got a record, haven't I? I was in the nick for two years 'fore I come out here.
Yeah?
This was supposed to be me fresh start in life.
Ahhh, what did you get locked up for, eh?
Arson.
[Shocked] Arson?!
Yeah, I know! I didn't wanna tell you blokes, you know, in case you got worried, like, you know, about bein' in the same hut as me, like. Guess it don't matter now, though.
[Still shocked] Arson, eh? And you don't even smoke!
And how's that come about, Mox?
I was workin' on this building site, you know, back in Liverpool. Bastard site manager, had it in for us, like, kept dockin' my wages for no reason! And one day, you know, I just lost me rag. I set fire to his hut.
What, was he still in it?
Not for long, no. [Bomber chuckles] So there you go, record for arson. Dodge City address.
Where?
Kirkby. I reckon me chances on Merseyside are even worse than Everton's!
I see what you mean.
Well... [Slams his palm on the bar] Stop on, Moxey. That's the only thing you can do, really.
Yeah, I know, Oz, but, y'know once they get me name down on their forms and their files, it'll only be a matter of time before they find out about me past.
Hey, Dennis? You'll never guess what? Moxey's an arsonist!
[To the barman, completely ignoring Oz] Schnapps. [The barman brings the bottle over] Just leave the bottle. [He does so.]
You know something, Wayne, there's a real serenity and wisdom about you these days, you know.
Well it's the power of love, isn't it, Barry?
I suppose it is, yeah... What's it feel like? Love, I mean, being in love. Well, I don't really sparkle in the that department, see, between you and me, or in the adjacent one either! I'm the sort of bloke who looks at the three-year expiry date of a packet of johnnies and wonders if he'll ever use them in time!
Hey, come on. Your time will come, mate, and you'll know when it hits you, I'm telling ya!
Yeah... What's it feel like? [Quieter] What's it feel like?
Love is... love is sitting in a hut on a German building site, carving two names into a plank of wood without feeling a prat about it.
How's about if I contributed to a German heart disease charity fund, and instead of one of them little flags for me lapel, they put this tattoo on me arm?
Oh, very ingenious, that.
Even Brenda would see through that fairytale, man!
[Eyeing up Dennis downing the schnapps] I bet Dennis could come up with summat.
[In a drunken stupor] Not a chance.
What's got into 'im?
I dunno, but he's certainly taken hold.
I'll have a word with 'im, he'll talk to me...
[Shouting] Just stop right where you are, Oz!
Come on, Den. We're your mates. Whatever it is, share it with us.
Aye, a trouble shared is a trouble halved, eh? Aye, that was one of Vera's favourite sayings, that was.
Come on, Den. Snap out of it, man.
[Snapping] "Snap out of it?!" Will you listen to this lad, eh? Have you lot had any idea what it's like bein' kicked out of a marriage? It's like bein' asked to take down all those walls we've been buildin' brick by brick wi' yer bare hands. Imagine what that feels like, yeah? Aye, then imagine what it would be like if they came along and said, "Right, now put 'em all back up again."
We can help you, Den.
Thanks for the offer, Bomber, but you can't. I help you with your problems. Doesn't work the other way 'round. That's how it is! So all of you just, er... [Puts some money on the bar and takes the bottle of schnapps he's been drinking from and starts to leave the bar] ...just do me the only favour you can, will you, eh? Just leave me alone!
Meine Damen, hätten Sie Lust was zu trinken, heute Abend? (Ladies, would you like to come out for a drink tonight?)
Nein. Wir haben schon was anderes vor. (No. We've already made plans.)
[Blocks the door] Aber, komm schon. Ich beisse nicht. (Come on, I don't bite!)
Nein, wirklich nichts. (No, really nothing.) [Christa enters the office.]
Ja, ja. Zu beschäftigt mit den verdammten Engländern. (Yeah, yeah. Too busy with the bloody English!)
Morning, ladies!
Hello, Wayne.
Good morning, Wayne.
Erm... I brought you a little something.
Oh... [Wayne presents her with the plaque] Oh, Wayne, it's beautiful. You made it yourself, ja?
Well, y'know, on my union card it says "joiner", but I'm a sculptor, really.
Christa Oh, er... Dagmar, look. Erm... Wayne has made me a paperweight!
Very nice.
No. No, no, it's not a paperweight. It's a plaque, ain't it? Y'know, you're supposed to put it on the wall like, y'know... [Puts it atop the first aid cabinet] ...above your bed, like.
Oh, of course. Erm... it will look very nice there.
That's all right, then, ain't it? Erm, I wanna fill in one of those forms as well, if you'd give us a hand.
Which forms?
The, erm... work permits, whatever you call them.
[Getting up] You're staying?
Yeah. About the only one who is, by the look of it. [Dagmar turns around] Course, erm... a couple of lads haven't quite made their minds up yet, y'know.
[Getting the forms] You want me to, erm... to write this for you, ja?
Yeah, please, if you would, love. My German never got past Donner and Blitzen.
[Laughs] Okay. [Grabs a pen] Please, your full name.
Look, you do know why I'm doing this, don't you?
[Smiles back at Wayne] I think I can guess.
Right... It's Wayne Winston Norris.
Oh, 'ey! What a day. I'm shattered [Flings his tools into storage]
Wayne signed on, then, Oz.
Yeah.
Gotta put up wi' you, have I?
Oh, cheers. It's his charm that knocks me out, you know(!)
Pour us a cup of tea, Nev.
Oh, aye! [Heads to the stove]
You know what, Nev? He's gettin' really bossy these days, in't he?
Aye, I reckon it's Barry's Planet of the Apes theory has gone to his heid. [Carries the kettle to the table while flailing his arms like a monkey]
Howay, man, just pour the tea.
Yeah, of course, the advantage of being a chippie is you don't have to work in the hot sun all day, y'know.
I blame Barry for all this palaver, yer kna. He's got us all convinced that we're missing Dennis's "leadership".
Yeah, yeah. Look, come on. What are we gonna do about him, eh? I mean, we've all leant on him enough for the past six months. It's time we gave the poor sod a hand.
Well that's just the trouble. He'll not let us.
Maybe it's his pride, eh?
M-maybe he just don't trust us.
Just to avoid any more embarrasing scenes, I, er... shan't be goin' over the club tonight. I'm goin' down to town to get legless. So you lot will be safe where you are. [Leaves the hut]
I reckon instead of examining our behaviour, Professor bloody Barry should have a look at him! I've never seen a man so withdrawn. He's nae thought for his mates...
Neville Oh, aye? Maybe you should pool your knowledge of budgies with Barry's knowledge of chimps! Between yer, you might find a solution.
There's nae need for that, Nev, I'm just tryin tae...
Oh, isn't there? Seems to me you couldn't care less about Dennis!
I could, I could.
Oh aye?
All right, all right. I'll prove it, then. [Gets up and leaves the hut to follow Dennis downtown...]
It's a bit of a choker, isn'it?
Is he gonna be all right?
Aye. They've just sedated him. Had to give him a blood transfusion. Over two litres. It's a good job the ambulance got there so quick.
What happened, for God's sake?
Oh, there was a bit of a rumble in this Bierkeller with some German lads. Magowan turned up. Oz got his arm slashed with a beer glass.
Magowan. I might have known! That man could start a fight in an empty house! An' Oz isn't far behind!
You've got it wrong, Neville. It's my fault. I started all the trouble.
You did?
Aye.
Doctor, this is one of Mr. Osbourne's colleagues, Neville Hope.
Hello. [Neville shakes her hand]
How do you do, Doctor?
Your friend is a very lucky man.
Aye, I know. We're very grateful for what you've done.
Don't thank me for doing my job, Mr. Hope. [She goes into Oz's room] Guten Abend. Ist alles gut? (Good evening. All is well?)
Alles gut. (All good.)
I just wish you men could settle arguments without resorting to violence.
This isn't typical, Doctor.
I see a lot of people injured in stupid drunken fights about football or women.
Yeah... is he going to be all right, then?
Oh, yes. He's lost a lot of blood, but that's been replaced. I've given him a sedative to help him rest. And, er... fortunately the wound isn't too large. He'll have a scar, of course. But, if he wishes, that can be put right.
Put right?
[As they leave Oz's room] Yes. Cosmetic surgery, skin graft, whatever.
Oh, I hope you don't mind me askin', Doctor, but while you're here, is there anything I can do about this? [Takes off his coat]
Look, Neville, I don't think this is the right place or time.
Oz won't mind, Dennis. And I've gotta do somethin' aboot it. [Rolls up his sleeve to show the doctor his tattoo]
Doctor [Glancing briefly at the tattoo] Who is Lotte?
I don't know. But it's not the wife. That's just the trouble.
So... this is an unwanted souvenir of your time in Germany.
Very much unwanted. I've already lied to the wife once about it. I bandaged it up and told her it was an injury. I cannae keep doin' that all me life, can I? [The doctor just looks at Neville.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Auf Wiedersehen, Pet pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
