[Neville signs the Official Secrets Act]
Do I need any special training or anything?
HLHeather Lane
Neville, you’re not Pierce Brosnan
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Tatiana and Barry reunited in Russia]
You look like shit, Barry
Yes well I’ve been held against my will and interrogated with all the mental anguish that implies…you look rather fetching.
[Moxey - on the run again - is picked up by Oz]
What’s the panic? I was in the middle of a dump when you called.
[Barry confides in his psychiatrist]
My mind was a whirlwind of conflicting emotions…just seeing her there…confusion, anger, regret, bitterness, and I have to admit, yes there were sexual stirrings; she was wearing these skintight boots that came just below the knee, miniskirt, and there was a flash of thigh in evidence. The perfume…Issey Miyake, I should know, I bought her gallons of it! You see I’ve missed our sessions being in Russia. I’ve felt naked because I’d lost the tools, the coping tools to help me. I know you’re going to say that I was retreating back into my co-dependency tendencies. It’s true, I just wanted to take her in my arms and forgive her and buy her something nice from Versace.
HLHeather Lane
It’s Heather. Double-O Geordie’s becoming a pain in the arse.
[Oz jumps on a plane after being refused to join the team]
PPurser
Mr. Osbourne
Yes.
PPurser
I wonder if you could follow me. Bring your personal effects.
Upgrade is it?
PPurser
If you’d just come with these gentlemen.
What’s up like? I’ve not been smokin’ in yer bog. I didn’t check a bag on so you couldn’t of found a bomb in it.
PPurser
We don’t want to alarm the other passengers, do we Sir?
Well I’m not a bloody terrorist. My name’s Osbourne not Osama.
SSuit
Don’t make us use force, Sir.
Force? I’ll show you a bit of force, son.
[Oz elbows Suit in nose, as passengers gasp in horror]
PPurser
You made the list, Mr. Osbourne.
What bloody list? The 10 most wanted?
PPurser
The O.E.D.
With my mates?
PPurser
You’re going to Cuba.
Aww. Well why didn’t you say so. Sorry pal. Well, bugger Bangkok. Ha’way Havana!
All I know Den, is that when you had a choice of either knocking this job back or cutting me adrift, you were “thinking it over”?
Is this going in your grudge bank, Oz? Because I’m your oldest friend.
That’s why I didn’t expect it Den.
[Oz is bearing a grudge, Dennis tries to resolve it]
D'you remember when we first met?
Nah.
It was on that housing estate in Cramlington.
It was Bedlington, actually.
Oh, so you do remember?
Well, vaguely.
You turned up on spec, right? Looking for a job and the foreman was away. So I hired you. When he came back, he was gonna give you the sack.
Was he?
Yeah.
Why?
Your mouth mostly. Also, you tried to chin him; that might have had something to do with it! And I stood up for you, right, I said this Oz might be a bit of a lunatic. But he lays more bricks in three days than most of us do in five
Well, that's true.
That's not what I'm talking about, man! Then the German gig came up, right, I spent three days traipsing every pub in Wallsend looking for your arse.
So, what are you trying to tell us, like? That I owe this glittering career to you?
No. I'm saying that I've always wanted you on my team!
Where's Oz?
The ballet.
Well who do you miss?
Well me son for one. I missed a lot of him growing up. Fortunately that included the moment he started putting his key in the back door, so to speak.
You had no right to lumber us with this!
I’m not trying to score brownie points with the Embassy, it’s all part and parcel of the job, right?! Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. And some days we pick up bloody bath tubs!
[On the journey to pick up the bath]
Right! Let’s play Road Kill Cricket!
How’s that work?
Anything dead your side of the road you score runs, anything their side they do!
How do you mean runs?
One for each leg: a dead chicken’s worth two, that goat would have been four if we’d started.
So a centipede’s a ton, right?
No insects! You’re being silly now Wyman.
Oh, forgive me.
What about a snake?
That’s a tricky one Oz, it doesn’t have any legs but it is an animal so it should qualify…
[The road back to Havana is blocked by a broken down hearse]
Well the stiff’s on this side of the road so that’s two runs to us, yes?
True!
[The guys are obliged to help with the coffin]
It weighs a ton!
We’ll have to help them offload it at the other end.
What now we’re bloody pallbearers!
Some days we saw planks. Some days we lay bricks. Some days we cart Cuban coffins. All part and parcel, Den says.
Moxey!
What?
Bollocks!
[Barry guards the bath and is approached by two local kids]
I know what you're thinking... what's this Gringo doing sitting in a bath, next to a hearse, in the middle of nowhere, reading Hemingway? Well I'd ask the same question if I was in your shoes... that's if you had any.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Auf Wiedersehen, Pet pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.