Auf Wiedersehen, Pet Season 1 quotes

Oz

He's not gay. He thinks he is, but he's not.

Neville

Well, it’s just like exhibitionism, isn’t it? Like a cry for attention.

Oz

Exactly.

Bomber

Would it matter if he was?

Oz

Well it would to me!

Wyman

Well even if he is…

Oz

He’s not! He can’t be! There's never been a huckle in the Osbourne family and we can trace our lineage all the way back to the Second World War. Now, end of subject. Right?

Right, aye.

Neville

Of course.

Oz

It's always been the tunnel, not the funnel.

Oz

Well I suppose we could have a bite, I’ve got my tie on so I can get past Saddam Hussein on the door there.

Sarah

We could...not fussed...[leans over the table]...we could just have a couple of drinks...and go to bed.

Oz

(jaw drops) Could we have another bowl of twiglets first?

Oz

I was just flabbergasted, that’s all you know, I mean I’ve got nothing against gays son. It’s just that, well, I was brought up to believe that dickie-up-the-chufter is abnormal and vile. Ah, that came out wrong didn’t it…shite…sorry again.

Oz

Canny left hook, son!

Aye. Not bad for a poofter, eh?

My grandson saw it. He’s always on a computer.

Unbelievable! I mean, where do you plug in a computer in a wigwam?

Dennis

Moxey.

Yeah?

Dennis

Shut up!

Bomber

I did hear right, did I? I thought I heard the word ‘million’!

Yeah!

Dennis

You did aye. Mind you, we’ll have to take into account transportation and erection costs.

Neville

I’m getting an erection just thinking about it!

Oz

Better get it home to Brenda A.S.A.P.!

Tatiana

If he goes to the police…

Maybe we should kill him. Then you get the house, the business…everything…

Tatiana

Kill him? How?

Make it look like an accident…a car goes off the road…

Tatiana

Not the Bentley!

Sarah

Anyway, I don’t know the numbers, but they’re going to make you an offer.

Jeffrey

Ah!

Sarah

Oz did say if you were a bungable person..

Jeffrey

Vulnerable?

Sarah

No, bungable, from the verb to bung, to offer an illegal or illicit payment.

Jeffrey

Yes yes I’m with you, I’m pissed off he seems I can consider it. Cash was it?

Oz

Hold on, excuse me, but the facts are these. I conjured up that Red Indian oot of cyberspace and I’ve got Grangier primed and ready to jump, yes?

Barry

I think we should all calm down, alright. I’ve always found in business there’s a very fine line between altruism and self-interest. So why don’t we all sleep on it, eh?

Oz

(storming out) You sleep on it, you end up bastard and skint.

Barry

Look, I’m getting very pissed off with the tone of this interrogation!

Tatiana

Barry, let’s talk about this alone, just you and me.

No way kidda! Steal yourself, remember Godfather II…you know, when Diane Keaton begs Al Pacino not to lock her out of his life. And what did he do? Closed the bloody kitchen door on her!

Dennis

You know that dismantling sequence you showed us? What do you call it, you know, when it’s the other way round? You know, when you put the bridge back up again?

An erection sequence…[Moxey sniggers]…no jokes please, I’ve heard them all.

Dennis

Well could you do us one? We’ll pay you like.

What are yous up to?

Dennis

Nowt, nowt, nowt important.

Nothing.

How would you be paying?

Cash.

Where did you get this?

I sold my cello.

Oz

Hey Barry, you know what? If this was Big Brother, you’d be the first one oot that door!

Barry

I should be so lucky..

Who was he?

Goes by the name of Moxey. And he was working for those people who were pulling that bridge down in Middlesbrough.

First name?

Never had one. Just Moxey. Like Moby. Or Mantovani.

Yous all think I’m a murderer?

Dennis

Oz doesn’t mean that. He’s just playing Devil’s Advocate.

I’ve never hurt anyone in my life. I’ve just set fire to buildings. And I’ve always made sure they were empty…except that once. And I didn’t know the bloke had chickens!