Mr Lucas quotes from Are You Being Served?

Shall I or shan't I? Should I or shouldn't I?

Mr Lucas

Is he or isn't he?

Mr Humphries

I don't know, but I'd think it'd help if there was a rush.

Mr Lucas

Mrs. Slocombe wants to know if she can borrow a couple of pairs of socks to stuff down her bra.

Mr Humphries

She's not going to talk to those workmen again, is she?

Mr Rumbold

Perhaps you'd like to open the box?

Mr Lucas

Or will you take the money?

Mr Rumbold

These aspirins don't seem to be doing any good at all.

Mr Humphries

Perhaps you need an icepack?

Mrs Slocombe

How about having a woman?

Mr Lucas

No, I think he's better to stick to the aspirins.

One for them and one for us, one for them and one for us, one for them and one for us. [Arab man holds up knife threateningly] All for them and none for us, all for them and none for us.

Mr Rumbold

Let's see how that sounds. Happy birthday, dear Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh.

Mr Lucas

Sounds like a bad attack of indigestion.

Captain Peacock

"What are we going to sing now? Uh, Uh-Uh, Uh-Uh-Uh or Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh?"

Mr Rumbold

Uh...

Mr Lucas

I'll settle for that.

Mr Rumbold

No, we'll have two Uhs.

Mr Grainger

I entirely agree! To Uh-Uh is human.

Mrs Slocombe

I notice she didn't cry like that when she thought it was me.

Mr Lucas

Funny that...

Mrs Slocombe

Oh, how ridiculous! What is there to learn about toys? All you do is bounce them, cuddle them or turn them on!

Mr Lucas

Just like girls, really!

Mr Humphries

[Mr. Rumbold is suggesting which shareholders each person should impersonate]

Mr Rumbold

There's Jeffrey Longman. He is 28, broad-shouldered, 6 foot 2, blond haired, blue eyed, wealthy yacht owner.

Mr Humphries

Ooh, I like the sound of that!

Mr Lucas

You're not tall enough.

Mr Humphries

I know, I just like the sound of it.

Mr Lucas

What are you talking about? Alexander the Great was only my age when he died and he was practically ruling the world.

Mr Humphries

Yes, but could he take an inside leg?

Mr Lucas

It slipped right down, Mr Harman!

Mr Harman

Well it can't have gone that far, tell her to speak up a bit, and try and get Captain Peacock on the same mic...

Miss Brahms

What if he shouted up her skirt?

Mrs Slocombe

[Angrily] No one is shouting up my skirt, saying they recognize the face!

Young Mr Grace

[Wearing glasses] I can't find me spectacles, you read it.

Mr Harman

Uh, yes. Now, this is the oldest. [Points to chest of drawers]

Mr Grace

The bow front with the short legs?

Mrs Slocombe

That'll be you, Mr. Goldberg!

Shh! I want to hear!

Mr Harman

The top's in very good condition, bit of dry rot in the leg, and the knob's going to fall off! [Mr Goldberg is shocked)

Young Mr Grace

What about that pretty little piece?

Mrs Slocombe

That must be you, Miss Brahms.

Mr Lucas

Well, it certainly won't be you!

Mr Harman

Outwardly, in very good condition. Unfortunately it's got a screw loose! And the knockers aren't genuine...

Miss Brahms

[Outraged] Blummin' cheek!!

Mr Harman

That brings me to this one, here.

Mr Grace

Oh, the big chest?

Mrs Slocombe

[Appears uncomfortable]

Mr Harman

Once used by a lot of soldiers, there was a lot of odd things found in the drawers, which once removed, you could plainly see the ravages of time. Oh, and there's rising damp in the bottom. Now, we come to the pouf.

Mr Humphries

[Looks embarrassed]

Mr Harman

Outwardly in very good condition. A bit older than it looks, a bit saggy in the middle, and probably worth hanging onto if you're prepared to have it stuffed!

Mr Humphries

[Faints, collapses into Peacock's arms]

Captain Peacock

Mr. Humphries!

Mr Humphries

I'm not free! [runs into the women's dressing room]

Mr Humphries

I thought you had sworn not to harm any living thing: animal, vegetable, or insect!

Mr Lucas

I didn't say anything about fairy cakes.