American Dad! quotes

527 total quotes

Francine: Stan, I did some research on that kiosk at the mall. If you gave me $5,000 of your bonus, I could start a business selling my muffins. I think there's a real market for...
Stan: Ooh, ooh, uh, I... I'm sorry... sorry to interrupt, but, uh, real quick, this is the worst idea I've ever heard. Never gonna happen, but please, keep going.
Francine: Oh, just forget it!
Stan: Great call, Francine.

Francine: Stan, you're being ridiculous. We have a guest out there.
Stan: Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty.
Hayley: Dad, that's awful. Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Haagen-Dazs.
Francine: You apologize to your son.
Stan: For what? You brought fat into our house.
Steve: You'd like Debbie if you got to know her, Dad. There's a lot more to her than you think.
Stan: There's more of her?!

Francine: This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?
Stan: Well, honey, I-
Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.

Francine: What about Sanjen? I can't have an Indian baby! I don't even like Indian food!

Francine: What the FUCK is GOING ON?!
Steve: [doing cartwheels] I'll take care of you, Mom. I'm a wagon wheel!

Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
Stan: You made all this in one day?
Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.

Grandson: Hey grandpa, were you ever a shark?
Grandfather Klaus: YES! I was two sharks and a monkey! Now shut up and go to bed!

Grandson: Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?
Grandpa Klaus: No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.
Grandson: Are we part of the story, Grandpa?
Grandpa Klaus: Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".

Grandson: Whoa-whoa-whoa. You were a fish?!
Grandpa Klaus: Oh yeah, that.... But Stan he was a new man and he--
Grandson: Hold on a second. You, were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story than two grown-ups ice skating?
Grandpa Klaus: I was also roommates with Rick Schroder, you wanna hear about that?
Grandson: YEAH!!
Grandpa Klaus: [sighs] Okay, Rick Schroder sucks, h-he just... h-he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroder uses women. The end.

Hayley: [significantly fatter] Thank God we're going home. I think I gained the African 20. Seriously, I threw away more food than I ate.

Hayley: How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?
Stan: What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]

Hayley: I was so sick of Jeff, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have to figure out a way to win him back from my stupid brother.
Klaus: Your brother is not the problem. The problem is Agathor. Kill him and you'll get Jeff back.
Hayley: Oh, my God! You know how to kill him?
Klaus: The question isn't can I kill him. The question is: Do you like me?
Hayley: Not really.
Klaus: [disappointed] Oh. Anyway, I know how to defeat Steve.

Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
Klaus: I've had this flu for, like, 2 weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
Hayley: I was talking to Steve.
Klaus [sarcastically]: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!

Henry [to Roger]: You don't appreciate what I've done for you! I made you lieutenant! You were a cook when we started playing!

Klaus: Ja. Your suit is stuffed tighter than, um, some funny German word. Uh, sorry. I'm kinda running out of fish shtick. [gasp] Oh, and just like that I'm back!