Richard Fish quotes from Ally McBeal

Richard

"Problem" is just a bleak word for challenge.

Richard

She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle and clueless. I feel like Elaine.

Richard

You know, I had a great aunt once who said if you stare at a beautiful woman too long, you turn to stone. She was partially right.

Richard

Camaro. Isn't that a muscle car?

Richard

Er... love without sex is er... meaningless... Senior Fishism!

Richard

Mmmm lesbians.

Richard

The key to successful parenting is knowing when not to.

John Cage

You and I are friends, albeit we typically zig and zag in different directions. I'm concerned that uh this trial, well...

Richard Fish

What?

John Cage

I'm worried about the fallout. Like you said, Harry Wah's an enormous client, and uh how do I put this?

Richard Fish

Just say it, John.

John Cage

I'm better than you. I fear that this trial will cost us not only a major client but could uh jeopardize our friendship.

Richard Fish

Because you're better than me.

John Cage

Yes.

Richard Fish

And you think you'll beat me.

John Cage

Yes.

Richard Fish

Let me tell you something, John. You can't possibly overestimate how much you underestimate me. And if you're under the impression that you'll overwhelm me with your little stunts, understand this; I'll be all over you the minute you try. I'm not your underling in there. You have nothing over me, and under the heading of...

John Cage

Richard, there are just far too many over and under's going on here. My point is this; no one beats me in court. You won't beat me in court.

Richard Fish

She said that?

Yes!

Richard Fish

Well, so, she had a dream. That doesn't...

No, it's not the dream! She was suggesting that she and I explore being a couple. And Richard, I have to admit I've always harbored feelings for Ally.

Richard Fish

Oh, gee, there's a flash. Look, John, there ARE ethical considerations here. The only question you have to ask yourself is: Can you sleep with Ally without Nell finding out?

How DARE you.

Richard Fish

I didn't TELL him!

You were ABOUT to!

Richard Fish

No, no, no. I was just ...

You had NO right.

Richard Fish

Mark is a FRIEND of mine!

I've HAD boyfriends before. Things have been JUST fine.

Richard Fish

They have? Wait, how?

I tell them I'm Catholic.

Richard Fish

I'm confused. Catholic girls have penises? 'Cause I thought ...

I tell them I'm against pre-marital sex!

Richard Fish

No, I'm still confused. What other kind of sex IS there?

Let's not forget that Lizzie Borden was found innocent of killing her parents.

Richard Fish

Oh, she did it; the jury just took pity on her for being an orphan.

Georgia Thomas

Well, by all means let's hear your opinion, Richard.

Richard Fish

Simple. Men and women. Friction.

Georgia Thomas

That's it? Friction?

Richard Fish

Friction, friction, friction, orgasm. Fishism. Are we going to dance or not?

Ally McBeal

Richard, I'm going to ask you one more time, did you hire me based on my looks?

Richard Fish

[Sighs] Ally, did we know each other in law school?

Ally McBeal

Not... really.

Richard Fish

Mmm-hmm. Did I interview you for the job?

Ally McBeal

No.

Richard Fish

Did I ask to see a reference or a transcript?

Ally McBeal

No.

Richard Fish

So, all I had to go on was looks. Why bite the hand that wants to touch you? [Richard fingers Ally's wattle, she slaps him away]

Ally McBeal

So, this had nothing to do with my ability as a lawyer.

Richard Fish

What ability? I'm still looking for that. Kidding. Ally, you, Ling, Nelle, you're smart. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. But you have to remember, people hate lawyers. The clients think their lawyers are only out to screw them. It's just easier being screwed by a beautiful woman. Vulgarism, but ...

Ally McBeal

[Turning to walk out] I can't believe this.

Richard Fish

Don't tell me you don't trade on your looks every day, Ally. You wake up each morning, you pull out the lip gloss, the rouge, the blush. What for, to brush up your intellect?

John Cage

[Answers his phone] Hello? What do you mean you're going into court?

Richard Fish

I got it all at Radio Shack, John. And I've got a miniature earpiece and the mike fits on my lapel. It should be easy.

John Cage

Well, don't- don't be ridiculous, Richard. I can't argue your case for you over the phone.

Richard Fish

No, you don't. You feed ME the arguments. Just like that show. Uh, what was it? Cyrano de Burger King? Whatever.

Richard Fish

I want this to be a place of compassion. Should we fire them?

John Cage

Well as acts of compassion go, that wouldn't be my first choice.