Still fighting mental health, eh, Archie?
S2Maude
Archie, you have ruined my daughter's wedding!
Archie: Well, that makes us even, Maude, because you ruined my weekend!
S2 E1The Saga of Cousin Oscar
Was his death untimely?
Archie: Yeah, around lunchtime.
What do you want me to do? Spend $600 on a funeral for a guy who used to sit on my face?
Edith: He'll never do it again.
S2 E2Gloria Poses in the Nude
MMike
The most casual acquaintances kiss today.
Edith: They do it all the time on TV. Like Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson.
Archie: Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson don't kiss each other!
Edith: That's right. They're on different channels... It's Jerry Lewis that kisses Johnny Carson.
Archie: Will you stifle yourself?
Edith: I don't know who Merv Griffin kisses.
... I've been thinking about jogging for months.
Archie: Well, you don't have to drag (Mike) along, you can do that by yourself.
Lionel: Well, let me ask you a question, Mr. Bunker. Now, if you were walking down the street at seven o'clock in the morning, and you saw this black guy, all by himself, running through this neighborhood, what would you think?
Archie: I see what you mean there, Lionel.
Lionel: Yeah, I figured you would.
C'mon, give me your opinion, straight from the dingbat.
Edith: Well, I think you should mind your own business.
Archie: Who asked you?
... Dragging me off to a moving picture like that, it was absolutely disgusting!
Edith: Well, I'm sorry, Archie. How was I to know? I thought it was a religious picture: "Cardinal Knowledge."
MMike
We are talking about my wife and my best friend. And yes, I do trust them!... You see, there's your difference between your generations right there, Archie. You've been spending the last 30 years checking under every bed for a Communist and going around thinking you're better and holier than they are with your stinkin' Puritan ethic, and what have you got to show for it?
Archie: A wife who's home at ten o'clock.
Mike: Sure, and the fear and the mistrust of the whole rest of the world! Well, you can live with that fear, Archie, and you can live with that mistrust. I don't want to have any part of it, do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want any part of it!
(Mike is now on the telephone)
Mike: Szabo, what the hell are you doing with my wife?!
S2 E3Archie and the Lock-Up
These sinuses are murder. They fog up my whole head.
Mike: Well, that explains everything.
That's why your coloreds have to behave better, they gotta act nicer, they gotta try harder...
Lionel: Yeah, that's right, we's like Avis.
If Michael gets arrested, they'll book him and fingerprint him, and it'll be on his record. And then when he goes to look for a job—
Archie: When? When? When?
S2 E4Edith Writes a Song
I'm telling you, Edith, we're living in a jungle. That's what, a jungle. But you know what I got?
Mike: Malaria.
When it comes to defense, democracy's gonna have to wait.
I ain't no bigot. I'm the first guy to say, "It ain't your fault that youse are colored."
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