TV show quotes
... I happen to be very proud of my Polish heritage.
What heritage? You come from a long line of bowling teams.
Yeah? And you come from a long line of boneheads!
Huh?
You think with your mind closed!
And you eat with your mouth open!
You know you are totally incomprehensible?
Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense!
What is that smell?
Paul is burning incense. I think it's nice.
It smells like a house of ill refute!
In today's society, if something doesn't work, you throw it out.
Well, you don't work, maybe we'd better throw you out.
Oh Daddy, didn't they have any good weather when you were growing up?
I don't remember none.
I think they invented good weather around 1940.
Oh, I remember some sunny days.
That must have been before we met.
(Archie reads a newspaper article referring to one juror holding out on a case.)
"Lone juror." They should have said "lone dingbat".
(Archie finds out that his job has been spared)
What do you mean, 'Congratulations.' You don't have to congratulate me for nothing. See, there's nothing happening to me, you'd think I'm Lazarus rising from the bed.
You people involved, Lionel, with that women's liberation?
No, not too much. You see, we're still working on plain old liberation.
(Mike, Gloria, and Edith are stuffing envelopes; Archie reads the letter being inserted)
"Queens Free Clinic. A place for the high school dropout, the teenage runaway, that will produce free food, free medical attention, free treatment for VD." VD. Do you know what that means, Edith?
VD? No, wait, don't tell me. I know it's someone's initials.
Well, you ask a dingbat a question, you get a dingbat answer.
I better go look at the stew. (She leaves)
Daddy, I don't what this fuss is about. They have clinics like this all over the country.
Why should them dropouts get anything free? When I was a kid, you had to be in the Army to get free shots for VD.
Don't worry, Arch. I'm sure the Army still gets their share of the action.
(Edith returns)
I keep thinking it has something to do with flags and parades and things.
What did, Ma?
I know, VD Day.
(Archie and Mike are talking about the benefits of the USA)
They got the greatest country in the world here. The highest standard of living. The grossest national product.
These colored people are always trying to use a social situation to raise their station.
That's right. And using you's gonna launch them right into Cafe Society!
Every picture I've seen of God, he's white.
Well, maybe you were looking at the negative!
Let's try to talk intelligent, huh?
How come you married Daddy instead of (Freddie Witthauser)?
Edith: Well, I liked being called a "Goddess of Beauty", but somehow it seemed more permanent when your father called me a dingbat.
When I come home from work, and I say "What's new, Edith?", I want her to tell me what's new, even if it is twenty-five years old!
I invited Edith because I love her. And everywhere she goes, Archie goes. You know, like that Vaudeville act? There's the front end of the horse, and then there's Archie.
(Carol) was married before, she has an eight-year old son, she's had half-dozen affairs... So in all that heavy traffic, how did she manage that tricky U-turn back to purity and innocence?
Maude: God'll get you for that, Walter.
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