How come you married Daddy instead of (Freddie Witthauser)?
Edith: Well, I liked being called a "Goddess of Beauty", but somehow it seemed more permanent when your father called me a dingbat.
S2Archie Is Jealous
When I come home from work, and I say "What's new, Edith?", I want her to tell me what's new, even if it is twenty-five years old!
S2Maude
I invited Edith because I love her. And everywhere she goes, Archie goes. You know, like that Vaudeville act? There's the front end of the horse, and then there's Archie.
WWalter
(Carol) was married before, she has an eight-year old son, she's had half-dozen affairs... So in all that heavy traffic, how did she manage that tricky U-turn back to purity and innocence?
Maude: God'll get you for that, Walter.
Still fighting mental health, eh, Archie?
Archie, you have ruined my daughter's wedding!
Archie: Well, that makes us even, Maude, because you ruined my weekend!
S2 E1The Saga of Cousin Oscar
Was his death untimely?
Archie: Yeah, around lunchtime.
What do you want me to do? Spend $600 on a funeral for a guy who used to sit on my face?
Edith: He'll never do it again.
S2 E2Gloria Poses in the Nude
MMike
The most casual acquaintances kiss today.
Edith: They do it all the time on TV. Like Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson.
Archie: Merv Griffin and Johnny Carson don't kiss each other!
Edith: That's right. They're on different channels... It's Jerry Lewis that kisses Johnny Carson.
Archie: Will you stifle yourself?
Edith: I don't know who Merv Griffin kisses.
... I've been thinking about jogging for months.
Archie: Well, you don't have to drag (Mike) along, you can do that by yourself.
Lionel: Well, let me ask you a question, Mr. Bunker. Now, if you were walking down the street at seven o'clock in the morning, and you saw this black guy, all by himself, running through this neighborhood, what would you think?
Archie: I see what you mean there, Lionel.
Lionel: Yeah, I figured you would.
C'mon, give me your opinion, straight from the dingbat.
Edith: Well, I think you should mind your own business.
Archie: Who asked you?
... Dragging me off to a moving picture like that, it was absolutely disgusting!
Edith: Well, I'm sorry, Archie. How was I to know? I thought it was a religious picture: "Cardinal Knowledge."
MMike
We are talking about my wife and my best friend. And yes, I do trust them!... You see, there's your difference between your generations right there, Archie. You've been spending the last 30 years checking under every bed for a Communist and going around thinking you're better and holier than they are with your stinkin' Puritan ethic, and what have you got to show for it?
Archie: A wife who's home at ten o'clock.
Mike: Sure, and the fear and the mistrust of the whole rest of the world! Well, you can live with that fear, Archie, and you can live with that mistrust. I don't want to have any part of it, do you hear what I'm saying? I don't want any part of it!
(Mike is now on the telephone)
Mike: Szabo, what the hell are you doing with my wife?!
S2 E3Archie and the Lock-Up
These sinuses are murder. They fog up my whole head.
Mike: Well, that explains everything.
That's why your coloreds have to behave better, they gotta act nicer, they gotta try harder...
Lionel: Yeah, that's right, we's like Avis.
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