I need a beer here, Edith.
What do you want, bottle or can?
We never buy bottles.
Then I'll bring you a can.
Dingbat.
S1 E2Writing the President
(Edith is about to give the nun a donation at the door)
No more than half a buck. No matter what they tell you; most of what they get, they buy golden candlesticks with.
Dear Mr. President, Your Honor, Sir:
I personally don't agree with all the contegration on the college campuses. Or them ecology nuts, who only see disaster in this great country of ours. But like "Duke" Wayne would say, "We came off the mat before when the going was tough." And I know that, so long as we all work together, this nation under God shall not diminish from the earth.
Anyway, my regards to your vice, Mr. Agnew. And special regards to Mrs. Nixon, and Tricia, who I know you wouldn't let drink no water, exceptin' the best.
S1 E3Oh, My Aching Back
Ma, anything interesting happen to you today?
Edith: Actually, something interesting did happen today. Oh no, that was yesterday.
Archie (addressing Mike): Poland. The land that gave us rare and delicate dishes such as?
Gloria: Polish sausage is very good.
You ought to know, you married one.
RMr. Rabinowitz
In a court of law, you can't beat a station wagon filled with nuns!
S1 E4Archie Gives Blood
(Archie) never trusted doctors. I think it's because he don't like to pay them.
S1 E5Judging Books by Covers
Did you bring these things (cashews) into the house?
Probably.
Archie: What do you mean "probably?"
I mean, probably I did.
But "probably you did" could also mean "probably you didn't." That's the way it is with a word like "probably"... right?
(Pause)
Edith: Probably.
MMike
You know, I don't think there's one thing about us you agree with.
I agree with that.
S1 E6Gloria Has a Belly Full
I wake up on a Saturday morning, I'm all alone. There's no note, no nothing. There's nobody here.
Mike was home.
Like I said, there was nobody here.
You give my daughter a baby, and you can't even support a goldfish.
What we do is take all our spray cans and shove them into special shelves. So what you could do is... shove yours.
(pause)
You know, a guy could take that two ways.
MMike
Yeah, but knowing Lionel, he probably only meant it one way.
Yeah, he's a good kid.
With all the money you pay them, can't the doctors help themselves?
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