All in the Family · 293 quotesMMike
I tried fixing that toilet again, I can't do it. Maybe we'll just have to get another one.
Gloria: Yeah. Two heads are better than one.
2nd most-quoted character in All in the Family: in 60 of its 293 quotes
Most scenes with: Archie Bunker (9), Edith Bunker (4), Gloria Stivic (2)
Lines by Mike 49
MMike
Racial balance is important in everything. Take education: Why do you think it's so tough for a black student to become a doctor?
Archie: Because nobody wants to see a black guy coming at them with a knife.
MMike
"Deduct three years for wealthy or poor."
Archie: Wealthy or poor? What the hell else is there?
Gloria: Middle-class, which is what we are.
Mike: Well, actually, we're lower-middle class.
Archie: As I remember it, we was "upper" until you joined the family.
MMike
I'm not used to sleeping on this side of the bed!
Archie: Well, when I sleep with Edith, my wife, I sleep on this side of the bed.
Mike: Well, when I sleep with Gloria, I sleep on that side of the bed.
Archie: But you are sleeping now with the guy that OWNS the bed!
Scenes with Mike 11
MMike
You know, I don't think there's one thing about us you agree with.
I agree with that.
S1 E5 Judging Books by Covers
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What we do is take all our spray cans and shove them into special shelves. So what you could do is... shove yours.
(pause)
You know, a guy could take that two ways.
MMike
Yeah, but knowing Lionel, he probably only meant it one way.
Yeah, he's a good kid.
MMike
... I happen to be very proud of my Polish heritage.
What heritage? You come from a long line of bowling teams.
MMike
Yeah? And you come from a long line of boneheads!
Huh?
MMike
You think with your mind closed!
And you eat with your mouth open!
MMike
You know you are totally incomprehensible?
Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense!
S1 E7 Now That You Know the Way, Let's Be Strangers
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MMike
In today's society, if something doesn't work, you throw it out.
Well, you don't work, maybe we'd better throw you out.
S1 E8 Lionel Moves into the Neighborhood
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Oh Daddy, didn't they have any good weather when you were growing up?
I don't remember none.
MMike
I think they invented good weather around 1940.
Oh, I remember some sunny days.
That must have been before we met.
S1 E8 Lionel Moves into the Neighborhood
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(Mike, Gloria, and Edith are stuffing envelopes; Archie reads the letter being inserted)
"Queens Free Clinic. A place for the high school dropout, the teenage runaway, that will produce free food, free medical attention, free treatment for VD." VD. Do you know what that means, Edith?
VD? No, wait, don't tell me. I know it's someone's initials.
Well, you ask a dingbat a question, you get a dingbat answer.
I better go look at the stew. (She leaves)
Daddy, I don't what this fuss is about. They have clinics like this all over the country.
Why should them dropouts get anything free? When I was a kid, you had to be in the Army to get free shots for VD.
MMike
Don't worry, Arch. I'm sure the Army still gets their share of the action.
(Edith returns)
I keep thinking it has something to do with flags and parades and things.
What did, Ma?
I know, VD Day.
S1 E12 Success Story
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These colored people are always trying to use a social situation to raise their station.
MMike
That's right. And using you's gonna launch them right into Cafe Society!
S1 E13 The First and Last Supper
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I wonder what they say when they sneeze...
Archie: Who's that, Edith?
Edith: The Chinese. I mean, do they say "God bless you" or "Buddha bless you"?
Archie: You really wanna know, the Chinks just sneeze and say nothing. They can't speak English.
Mike: Why couldn't they say "Buddha bless you" in Chinese?
Archie: Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".
Mike: That's Japanese.
Archie: Same thing.
Mike: It's NOT the same thing.
Archie: You put a Jap and a Chink together, you're going to tell me which is which?
Mike: That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.
Archie: Sure, you'd talk to them. You'd say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"
MMike
I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
Archie: Why don't you take a short walk on a long pier?
Mike: You can't even get THAT right! It's "Why don't you take a LONG walk on a SHORT pier?
Archie: Then do THAT.
MMike
C'mon, Archie, two measly dollars. Didn't you ever bet on anything?
Archie: Yes... I bet that my daughter would marry a human being and lost!
HJHenry Jefferson
Bunker, you ain't going to get away with this. You've been cheating us for 400 years!
Archie: What are you talking about? You've only been on the block for two years.
Henry: I'm talking about how you white people come to Africa to steal us, and then when you was through stealing us, and when we went around to watch you, you stolen our whole country!
Archie: I've never even BEEN to Africa!
Henry: Neither have I, and THAT'S your fault, too!
S3 Edith's Winning Ticket
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I don't have to have my dinner the minute I walk in the door.
MMike
Since when?
I just thought that maybe you'd like to go over to my chair and sit and study over there.
MMike
Huh?
Yeah! Hey, listen. I do my best thinking in that chair. When I'm in that chair, I don't know what's going on.
My mother always said, if God had intended people to smoke, He would have put chimneys on their heads.
MMike
So what are you saying? Cigar smoking is an inalienable right?
Archie: It's for the aliens, it's for the native born...
More All in the Family characters
All All in the Family quotes →
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Edith BunkerJean Stapleton · 43 quotes
Gloria StivicSally Struthers · 21 quotes
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Louise JeffersonIsabelle Sanford · 5 quotes
MaudeBea Arthur · 4 quotes
HHenry3 quotes
PaulGregory Sierra · 3 quotes
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