ArchieIf God had intended white people to dance with coloreds—
Mike: He'd have given us rhythm, too.
Played by Carroll O'Connor
All in the Family · 293 quotes
Most-quoted character in All in the Family: in 123 of its 293 quotes
Most scenes with: Mike (9), Edith Bunker (6), Gloria Stivic (3)
Lines by Archie Bunker 107
ArchieArchieWhat's this all about here?
Edith: Oh, I don't know. I won't know until tomorrow.
Archie: You know, you better keep a sharp lookout.
Edith: What for?
Archie: For the dingbat catcher.
ArchieFirst time in my life, I bowled a 227 game. Now what do you got to say about that?
Edith: I was arrested.
S3 Edith Flips Her Wig
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ArchieNo dice to no psychiatrist!
Mike: Why not?
Archie: Anybody that goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined!
S3 Edith Flips Her Wig
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ArchieLucky me. I got the only Polack who showers regularly.
Mike: Here's a dime, Arch.
Archie: Oh, a dime ain't going to pay for all your showers.
Mike: No, but it'll pay for yours.
ArchieThey don't like a guy like McGovern who's running around changing his mind all the time. They want a man like Nixon who don't change for nothing!
Mike: You're right about that, Arch. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over again.
ArchieTake your gorilla. Your gorilla wants his kid to grow up better than him too! But the kid grows up, and there he is, still a gorilla!
Archie(regarding Mike's Uncle Casimir) He's got two strikes against him from the start.
Mike: What do you mean by that?
Archie: Well, he's Polish, strike one... and, he's Polish, strike two.
ArchieAll I'm saying is that I don't want to discuss no wedding arrangements with a substitute-ski!
Archie(to Edith) How is it always when you do the best thing, it turns out the worst?
ArchieAll them surgeons, they're highway robbers. Why do you think they wear masks when they operate?
ArchieMcKenzie costs more because the best always cost more. That's how you tell what's good in America: it costs more.
ArchieThis is one of the greatest days of my life.
S3 Archie and the Bowling Team
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ArchieWhere's Gloria?
Mike: Oh, she said she'd stop by on her way from work.
Archie: I wish you could say you'd stop by on the way from work.
Mike: (sarcastic) You know Arch, it's really a thrill visiting you.
S3 Archie Goes to the Hospital
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Archie(to Kelsey) Why don't you go back to bartender's school and take a course in "shut up"?
ArchieYou're Bill Mulherin's kid brother.
ArchieHow do you do it? How do you stay so young?
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