A character in Abbott Elementary
Played by Sheryl Lee Ralph
Abbott Elementary · 136 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Abbott Elementary: in 36 of its 136 quotes
Most scenes with: Janine Teagues (15), Melissa Schemmenti (11), Gregory Eddie (7)
After making many phone calls and pretending to slip on a beer can at the Flyers' arena, I've managed to get the only celebrity that matters to come surprise our kids on the first day of school. America's favorite orange, furry sweetheart, Flyers mascot, Gritty!
Yes!
Yes!
You should've said that as soon as you stood up. No need for those other words you said. Yes, Janine!
BarbaraThe kids are gonna love this.
Yes!
I know, right?
I don't get Gritty.
Would you look at this? The kids love it, and the juice is flying off the trays.
Yeah, maybe next year we could get real meat.
Mmm. Mm. What's that I taste? Is that the nectar of sweet victory? Yeah, the kids are having more juice, but less sugar, and they seem very happy.
BarbaraThat's nice, dear.
BarbaraI hope this isn't another assembly about a new e-mail system. I am not doing two-step verification. They can just hack me.
They did hack you. Remember when your account sent out all that pornography?
BarbaraI do not.
Okay.
Hey. Is that seat taken? 'Cause I can stand. It builds chair-acter.
BarbaraI know. I was like, "Mm!"
You don't have to make a decision. Well?
Well, what?
What's with the hat?
Oh, this? It's nothing.
BarbaraIt's the loudest nothing I ever saw.
Boy, you just can't mosey in here with a brand-new hat and act like you're not wearing brand-new hat.
BarbaraPeople have thrown dirt on my name. Others have given flowers. But it’s all a garden to me.
Barbara, I’ve never seen you fail a child. You always find a solution
BarbaraOh, please. I do not always have the answers. But I always show up. And that’s what matters
BarbaraFeeling under the weather?
It's cold and flu season somewhere.
BarbaraWell, I'm sure that's true. Lovely of you to come by and see Janine at work. It meant so much to her. She talks about you all the time.
Can you believe she's never invited me here before?
BarbaraI really can't. You've raised a wonderful daughter. I hope you're extremely proud.
I am. You know, she's a Penn grad. Her sister, on the other hand... well, you win some, you lose some.
BarbaraI have had the great pleasure of watching Janine grow so much. I mean, this year alone, working for her students and on herself, building up the confidence and the money to treat herself to a much-needed vacation.
BarbaraThey're not all bad.
I think they're cool.
Mnh.
I actually like them this year.
Shocking.
I don't know. I feel like they've been unequivocally and universally worse than they've ever been. From unhelpful to unbearable.
Good morning, Abbott Elementary!
BarbaraAva! Your needed in the gym!
Yeah, there's a bunch of teachers in there saying Princeton's better than Harvard.
OH HELL NO!
[Ava runs out of the office.]
Okay, we have like two minutes so can you please fill us in on the rest of this genius plan?
BarbaraAva said she stopped listening to the Town Women.
City Girls.
BarbaraBut I know there's one song she cannot resist. Jacob, whip out the Walkman.
Phone.
BarbaraOpen up Napster.
Spotify.
BarbaraJesus, close your ears. Come on.
[Ava runs into the gym.]
Princeton is the Temple University of the Ivies!
BarbaraNow Mr. Johnson!
Let go of your butts!
[The lights turn on and Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up" starts playing with Ava dancing]
BarbaraGood morning. Good morning. (Gasps) Good morning.
Good morning Mrs. Howard.
BarbaraTariq.
Huh?
BarbaraWhat are you doing here? Janine's down at the district now.
Dang, she moved to D.C.?
BarbaraAnd take your presumably sticky hands off of my student.
You mean take my definitely sticky hands off of my son.
BarbaraTo quote Maury Povich, you are not the father.
And to quote the hip-hop legend Shaquille O'Neal, his biological didn't bother. See, I've been dating his mama for like seven weeks, so technically, I'm a stepdaddy right now. Ain't that right, Tariq Jr.?
Trigger warning, one of my students has ringworm.
BarbaraRingworm?!
D'oh! Get back.
I did not have ringworm.
Jacob, we have to protect the entire school.
This is not fair.
BarbaraThe last time you washed your legs.
I love you, Jacob. But I will beat you down.
After weeks of hard work and sleeping under my desk a few nights, I did it.
BarbaraAva, take down that tree. And Janine, get back under your desk. We are not doing a Christmas-themed show anymore.
BarbaraSNAKES IN THE GARDEN!! You're criminals!
C'mon! Is it a crime to dump 100 gallons of baby oil in the Schuykill?
And 500 Paddy's Pub t-shirts?
And a Cybertruck?
(together) YES!
Yeah, the judge thought so too.
She's right. We're criminals.
My son was excited to read that book to me at bedtime.
BarbaraAnd why are you going to sleep before your son?
I am sleepy.
BarbaraAttention, everyone.
Attention, everyone.
BarbaraI need a final head count for karaoke.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Abbott Elementary pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
