Jacob Hill quotes from Abbott Elementary

Jacob

Look, guys, I don't know. She just said she's dropping by with a special surprise.

Jacob

She was being rude. I get it now.

Jacob

Let me know if there's anything you need. And I mean "anything".

Jacob

We can discuss the facts or what happened all day, until we're blue in the face. You know?

Jacob

I said if you're ready to have some fun, let me hear you!

Janine

Huh. What thing?

Jacob

You know, that thing, where you look at something and you're like, "That's good."

Janine

Well, I'm adding a filter that's gonna rain glitter, so...

Jacob

That's not gonna compete with singing parrots. It just needs a little showmanship.

Janine

Well, I'm not a showman.

Janine

You know, a lot of people are slow to warm to Tariq, but you guys get along so well. Maybe you should come out and get pizza with us this weekend.

Jacob

Oh, I can't. I'm busy on Saturday.

Janine

I didn't even say a date yet. W... Oh, I see what's happening. You don't want to be the third wheel.

Jacob

No.

Janine

No, don't worry. I actually know a great guy I want to set you up with.

Jacob

Uh, thanks, but I don't know how my boyfriend would feel about that.

Janine

Your what?

Jacob

My boyfriend.

Janine

You have a boyfriend? What's his name?

Jacob

Uh, Zach.

Janine

Zach? And how long have you two been dating?

Jacob

Like a year, plus another year.

Janine

Jacob, how did I not know any of this? You've never mentioned him. Well, actually, I guess I just answered my own question.

Jacob

I thought you knew. I mean, I could've swore I told you. My friends say I won't shut up about him.

Janine

Your friends? I thought we were friends.

Jacob

We are. Yeah, we're friends. We're just, you know...

Janine

"You know" what?

Jacob

W-Work friends. We don't talk about real deep stuff.

Janine

You told me when you got a tapeworm in Zimbabwe.

Jacob

Um, um, yeah, I was... I was trying to be helpful, in case you ever go to Africa. Look, work friends are still friends. They're just, like, friends in one place.

Janine

Well, I thought we were friends in all places.

Janine

We're going about this all wrong. You know you don't build a dam in the middle of a river, you build it before the water comes.

Jacob

That is so wise.

Ava

[simultaneously] What the hell are you talking about?

Melissa

So this Zack, he lives with you?

Jacob

Yeah he just moved in last month.

Melissa

And that's going...well?

Jacob

Yep! He's so great!

Ava

So he knew you and was like..."More?"

Jacob

Mmm...

Janine

What the hell, Gritty? You're supposed to be here next Monday! What are you doing here?

Jacob

Okay. He says he's scheduled for today.

Janine

What? No.

Jacob

And it's been almost a year, okay? It is beyond time that they reboot "Spider-Man" again.

Janine

Yeah, you're right. I love it. But who can replace Tom Holland?

Melissa

I'll tell you who... That little magical cutie, that Harry Potter.

Gregory

Daniel Radcliffe?

Melissa

Yeah.

Janine

Really?

Melissa

Yeah. Oh, God. I'm gonna regret this, but... you just come to my place tonight.

Jacob

What time? I mean, can I come? I need you to help me with my wine pairings. Zach... he gets embarrassed when I ask the clerk for the, "second least expensive bottle."

Melissa

Well, I couldn't think of a reason why you can't quick enough, so yeah, I frickin' guess you can, buddy.

Janine

Yay.

Melissa

And we'll just get rid of that.

Janine

Whoa.

Janine

Would you look at this? The kids love it, and the juice is flying off the trays.

Jacob

Yeah, maybe next year we could get real meat.

Janine

Mmm. Mm. What's that I taste? Is that the nectar of sweet victory? Yeah, the kids are having more juice, but less sugar, and they seem very happy.

Barbara

That's nice, dear.

Jacob

Psst! I think we might just be able to nip this commercial in the bud. Melissa called in a favor.

Janine

And now you've made me an accessory.

Jacob

She's got a friend who's a lawyer.

Janine

Oh, fun. Okay.

Jacob

Yeah.

Mr. F. A. D. E.!

Tariq

Aw, yeah.

Janine

Hey.

Hey.

Janine

Hey. Happy birthday.

Jacob

Happy birthday, Ayesha!

Janine

That's my friend, Jacob.

Jacob

Great to meet you!

Yeah, nice to meet you, too.