Melissa Schemmenti quotes from Abbott Elementary

Melissa

Yeah. Plus this is Philly. I mean, you can't hock a loogie without hitting something historic around here.

Melissa

Look at 'em. Those Liberty kids keep cutting our kids in line.

Melissa

But she's been doing that since before I even got here.

Melissa

Melissa really is the best of us, and I'm just a lowly piece of (bleep) god.

Melissa

Hey! You guys! You own that Paddy's Pub. That's the skeeviest bar I've ever been to. You're a bunch of lowlifes!

Melissa

I don’t answer calls from numbers I don’t know. Or numbers I do know.

Janine

Hey!

Melissa

Oh. I-I got... I got a conflict.

Janine

You don't know what it is yet. My class is putting on a step show next Friday. We made so much progress.

Barbara

Oh, we hear you in there, stomping the yard.

Melissa

Yeah, you sound like a regular Major Payne.

Janine

Yes, well, we are building something.

Barbara

I love a good step show. It's so good for the kids.

Janine

Right?

Ava

Who gave you permission to put this on my wall? Is this Comic Sans?

Melissa

So this Zack, he lives with you?

Jacob

Yeah he just moved in last month.

Melissa

And that's going...well?

Jacob

Yep! He's so great!

Ava

So he knew you and was like..."More?"

Jacob

Mmm...

Barbara

Even in a world where Ava could put together a competent presentation...

Melissa

Mm-hmm.

Barbara

...it still does not change the fact that the Superintendent can't stand her and, by extension, us.

Melissa

The nerve on that guy.

Barbara

Yeah, well, maybe this will be the year where the school board finally awards me that Advancement Grant that I have been applying to for 10 years.

Melissa

They will if we make them. Just like a little... gentle arm-twisting.

Barbara

A little arm twist never hurt.

Janine

After making many phone calls and pretending to slip on a beer can at the Flyers' arena, I've managed to get the only celebrity that matters to come surprise our kids on the first day of school. America's favorite orange, furry sweetheart, Flyers mascot, Gritty!

Melissa

Yes!

Janine

Yes!

Ava

You should've said that as soon as you stood up. No need for those other words you said. Yes, Janine!

Barbara

The kids are gonna love this.

Melissa

Yes!

Janine

I know, right?

Gregory

I don't get Gritty.

Jacob

And it's been almost a year, okay? It is beyond time that they reboot "Spider-Man" again.

Janine

Yeah, you're right. I love it. But who can replace Tom Holland?

Melissa

I'll tell you who... That little magical cutie, that Harry Potter.

Gregory

Daniel Radcliffe?

Melissa

Yeah.

Janine

Really?

Melissa

Yeah. Oh, God. I'm gonna regret this, but... you just come to my place tonight.

Jacob

What time? I mean, can I come? I need you to help me with my wine pairings. Zach... he gets embarrassed when I ask the clerk for the, "second least expensive bottle."

Melissa

Well, I couldn't think of a reason why you can't quick enough, so yeah, I frickin' guess you can, buddy.

Janine

Yay.

Melissa

And we'll just get rid of that.

Janine

Whoa.

Melissa

Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag. Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks that her class can outread you, but that ain't gonna happen. So what time is it?

Game time!

Melissa

That's right. Deja, Levi, Bryana, come on up here for a second. Alright, listen up. You three are very strong readers, so I'm gonna need a lot of pages from you. Can you handle it?

We got this, Ms. Schemmenti.

Melissa

Alright! That's my girl. Go get 'em, kids.

I'm gonna read more books than anyone.

Yeah, right.

Melissa

Levi, Mya's gonna do her best, alright? Just like everybody else.

Melissa

Single-file line, most flammable kids first, and remember... no running!

Ava

Everybody out! This is a real fire in the teachers' lounge! This is a real fire! This is not a drill! Hootie-hoo!

Janine

Wait, Ava, where are you going?!

Ava

I'm protecting my peace. The firefighters are almost here. Y'all got it!

Janine

Okay, real fire.

Gregory

Um, okay, um... A-Alright, two, three, four, five.

Janine

You guys up. Turn that way.

Barbara

I hope this isn't another assembly about a new e-mail system. I am not doing two-step verification. They can just hack me.

Melissa

They did hack you. Remember when your account sent out all that pornography?

Barbara

I do not.

Melissa

Okay.

Janine

Hey. Is that seat taken? 'Cause I can stand. It builds chair-acter.