[Bin Laden and his henchmen are in their cave]
At last we have nuclear bomb!
[an old bomb drops into view; it has cracks, is leaking and has been stuck together using sticky tape]
[Bin Laden turns round to see a smaller version of himself, both of which are doing the Dr. Evil pinky gesture. He turns back to his henchmen]
Initiate LAUNCH SEQUENCE!
[The henchmen drag the bomb and drop it into a big envelope, which is addressed to: Infidel Bush, White House, USA]
[one of the henchmen attaches a pigeon to the letter. The bird attempts to take off but cannot lift the mail]
I thought we had 2 birds?
[Jalal burps and feathers come out of his mouth. He cringes]
Well, it's nice that Jalal tabled his concerns about the war...
[the camera follows Bin Laden to his stone table. Jalal's head is on the table, with 2 other henchmen cowering behind the table]
Anyone else have any wobbles?
[after an accidental explosion]
Jalal! Get your arse over here.
Because that's where your legs are.
[Seaman is in the supermarket, browsing for shampoo]
DSDavid Seaman
Let's see here: Greasy hair? Normal hair? Stupid Hair? Ah, F**king Stupid Hair!
[Seaman puts the shampoo in his shopping trolly]
DSDavid Seaman
That's the one!
[The dining room all dirty of porridge. Victoria and Romeo are sitting there. David comes in the dining room]
DBDavid Beckham
How's the feeding going?
RRomeo
Oh, she's been an absolute bugger.
[Romeo takes spoon to feed Victoria]
RRomeo
Now come on, here comes the singer into the Versace shop. Open wide.
[Victoria takes the spoon, crawls to Romeo and throws the spoon on the floor. Then Victoria and David get angry at Romeo]
AAnnouncer
The ITV News at Ten with Ant and Dec.
AAnt
ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.
AAnt
Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?
[Dec slaps Ant on the head]
AAnt
And former news caster evicted by phone vote.
[cuts to Trevor McDonald, who is in a filthy alleyway]
TMTrevor McDonald
News just in: I am hungry and homeless.
AAnt
And now, the weather.
DDec
And now, the weather.
[cuts to Siân Lloyd in front of a map of the British Isles]
SLSiân Lloyd
Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales.
TBTony Blair
We have conclusive proof that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction and here it is...
[Blair holds up a piece of paper]
TBTony Blair
We kept the invoice... and if he doesn't pay up soon, he isn't getting any more!
BRBBC Reporter
The Press are ready, Prime Minister.
BBlair
How'd you want me for this one?
BRBBC Reporter
Well, the conference is about your weekend...
(office turns into countryside. Blair puts on a casual shirt)
BBlair
Ah, it's the weekend, and I'm relaxed. Downtime. Cup of tea. Jeans, with a crease, because I'm an ordinary guy.
BRBBC Reporter
The weekend with your family.
BBlair
Ah, Family! [clicks fingers. Cherie, Euan and Leo appear] Adoring wife, growing brood, baby in arms, family man. Just like you.
BRBBC Reporter
Your weekend in Europe.
BBlair
Ah, Europe! [Cherie and the kids disappear and the room turns back into the office] Controversial issue, let's talk it out. Jacket off, sleeves rolled up, sweaty armpits, as long as it takes. No bullshit.
BRBBC Reporter
The weekend which had to be posponed because of the war on terrorism.
BBlair
[office turns into the front of 10 Downing Street. Jack Straw appears at Blair's side] War. Sober suit. Furrow brow. No smile this time. Statesman-like. Not like you.
BRBBC Reporter
And the tragic loss of life.
BBlair
[black curtain descends] Ah, loss of life. Black tie. Voice cracks with... emotion. Manly tear in eye, men cry too. One of you again.
BRBBC Reporter
Which, since the weekend--
BBlair
Ah, weekend! Downtime, tea, Jeans! [scenery rapidly flickers]
BRBBC Reporter
Mr. Blair, just be yourself!
BBlair
[scenery stops half way through shift] Myself? Um, just... remind me?
[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House]
I think that should give you some idea of how delicate the balance of power is in the middle east.
You didn't understand a word of that did you, Mr. President?
Okay, do you want me to get Professor Leibstrom to explain it?
[the General goes underneath the table and, after a brief struggle, a sock puppet appears at the edge of Bush's desk]
(as Professor Leibstrom) Hello again, Mr. President. It's Me, Professoer Leibstrom.
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom! Ha Ha!
[camera pulls out to reveal the General, crouching under the desk while operating the sock puppet]
Quick General! You're missing the Professor!
I think Professor Leibstrom had better explain this. (as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!
BBush
Oh, I get it. The General leaves and then you come in. Don't think I know what's going on, because I do!
(as Professor Leibstrom) You do?
BBush
You two had a fight!
(as Professor Leibstrom) Uh... yeah, that's right.
BBush
Oh, Professor Leibstrom, you shouldn't fight with the General. Fighting never solves anything!
[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is staring at a painting of himself]
General, this mirror isn't working.
No time to explain, Sir. I have an urgent call for you on the satellite video link. It's, uh... Saddam Hussein.
[TV drops down from roof. The screen shows Saddam Hussein in his office]
SHSaddam Hussein
Ah, Mr. Bush. So you want to bomb old Saddam, eh? Fair enough. But would you want to bomb... Tiddles?
[a kitten jumps onto Saddam's desk. Bush and the General gasp]
SHSaddam Hussein
Or Fluffy? or Tufty?! Yes, gentlemen, from now on myself and all military targets will be protected by a kitten shield. [stroaking kittens] Won't they? Yes they will! Yes they will! End Transmission.
Can I have one, General? I gotta have one of those cute furry things!
[General gives Bush a fake, Saddam-style mustache]
Yeah! [turns to painting] Awww, but I don't look no different.
[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House. Bush is playing with army soldiers and tanks]
Good news, Sir. Iraq seems to be co-operating fully with UN inspectors. Looks like an all-out conflict can be avoided.
[having a tantrum] I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! I WANNA WAR! All the other cool presidents have had wars!
[Starts throwing his toys at the General]
But Sir, you just had a war, and you didn't even finish that one!
Well I'm gonna hold my breath until you let me have another one.
[Bush holds his breath. His face starts turning blue]
Oh, now sir! Oh, I think I'd better fetch Professor Leibstrom.
[General goes underneath the table and brandishes the sock puppet]
(as Professor Leibstrom) Hello!
Ha Ha Ha Ha! Professor Leibstrom!
(as Professer Leibstrom) I know! Instead of having a war, why don't we have an ice cream?
Yeah, an ice cream! With Chocolate sauce!
(as Professor Leibstrom) Oh Yeah.
NO! (as Professor Leibstrom) Sir, nobody else wants a war... except perhaps Britain.
Let's have a war with Britain then!
[Bush and General are in the Oval Office in the White House]
Sir, I must protest in the strongest possible terms!
General, I'm the president of the United States of America. When I say jump, you jump.
[General starts to jump up and down]
Mr President, why the jimny do we have to have a bouncy Whitehouse?
Because all the terrorists bombs will just bounce right off of it.
(sarcastically) Oh, silly me!
Look at this! (Bush starts to jump up and down) I can do a star, Egypshine, Bruce Forsite!
Okay, I'm bored now. Let's play darts!
[a popping sound is heard and the bouncy Whitehouse starts to deflate. Bush starts to cry]
Well, it's your own fault.
{The camera fades and the viewer rejoins after the bouncy Whitehouse has been fully deflated]
General, I never thought I'd say this... blow up the Whitehouse! (sobs)
Ugh! (starts to inflate the Whitehouse using his breath)
[Bush and the General are in the Oval Office in the White House, where Christmas decorations have been put out. Bush is holding a present wrapped in wrapping paper; the present is in the shape of a puppy]
Oh, come on General! What is it?
[dog in wrapping paper barks]
Now no opening util tomorrow, sir.
[the General walks off screen]
[alarms go off]
General! The flashing warning thing's gone off! General? General?!
CComputer
WARNING: potential hostile inbound. Request action.
Okay George, don't panic. Now what is it dad used to say?
[George Bush Senior appears in a thought bubble]
GBGeorge Bush Senior
Son, don't ever, ever, EVER... press the red button.
Something about pressing the red button.
[Bush presses the red button and the camera cuts to a shot of the moon, where a sleigh passes infront of it. The sleigh is shot down by defences. the General appears]
Sir, what in god's name is... can you smell roast venison?
[The sleigh crashes into the room. Bush inspects the wreckage and puts on some disembodied antlers]
Look General, I'm a lion! Moo, moo!
BGBill Gates
Well guys, welcome to the most high-tech home in the world: House 2001.
SSon
But I just got used to our old place, House 2000.
BGBill Gates
That thing's completely obsolete. Check out these new features!
WWife
It looks exactly like the old one.
BGBill Gates
Not at all. It's a lot more expensive (sniggers)
[Gate's family laugh in the same fashion]
BGBill Gates
And get a load of this multi-phonic cyber cinema.
[Gates clicks on the control panel and a huge screen appears in the room. The screen crashes halfway through deployment]
DDaughter
Why's it done that?
BGBill Gates
Try double clicking it.
WWife
It seems to have frozen.
BGBill Gates
It's fine. We... probably just need go out and come back in again.
[the family step outside the house and close the door. After a brief moment they all come back in again to find that everything has vanished]
SSon
Where's it all gone?
BGBill Gates
Um, it should be here, er...
WWife
Did you remember to save it?
BGBill Gates
I thought I did. Er... don't panic!
DDaughter
Let me have a go!
WWife
Don't you press that!
BGBill Gates
LET ME JUST TRY SOMETHING!!!
[Gates hits the control panel and a Windows like text box appears in front of them]
SSon
It says the house has performed an illegal operation and will...
[the house disappears and the family are in the desert, where their house used to be]
BGBill Gates
Don't worry guys, I'm already working on House 2001.1!